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Grab the kids and gather round this season’s biggest television event

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A lighthearted look at the news of the day:

Coming this fall to a TV network near you, an event sure to unite the country and get us all to recognize those Russian-implanted fake political memes when we see them on Facebook and Instagram — impeachment hearings!

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Yes, grab the kids! Get a blanket! Gather around the television set! Then pick it up and heave it out the window.

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My guess is whoever Russia appointed to be in charge of fomenting contention in U.S. democracy is enjoying a prolonged vacation by the Black Sea. No need to kickstart a perpetual motion machine.

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The transcript of President Trump’s phone conversation with Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskiy was alarming. Imagine Zelenskiy saying he hopes he wins more elections just so he can get more phone calls from Donald Trump!

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Halfway through the phone call, the subject turned to defense, and Zelenskiy tells the president, “... we are almost ready to buy more Javelins from the United States for defense purposes.” No wonder Ukraine is having trouble with Russia. Can’t we do better than to sell them a few spears?

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Zelenskiy reminds Trump that the last time he went to New York he stayed at the Trump Towers. There’s an inappropriate hint at a free night’s stay if I ever heard one.

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I read through the entire whistleblower’s account. I can save you the trouble. Turns out nobody ever actually blows a whistle.

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More hamburger chains are beginning to offer burgers made with plant-based substitutes that look and taste like beef. Sort of puts a new twist on those old commercials with Clara Peller. Where, exactly, is the beef?

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Here’s an idea worthy of a government grant or two: Get scientists to work on a real beef burger that tastes like it’s made entirely of plants. Call it the “impossible to sell” burger.