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Opinion: How should Utah’s political leaders dress for Halloween?

From Ted Lasso to Scooby Doo, political leaders echo the characteristics of several fictional characters in real life.

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Parents and children parade through the Cedarwood senior living community during the community’s Halloween parade last year.

Parents and children parade through the Cedarwood senior living community during the community’s Halloween parade in Sandy on Thursday, Oct. 22, 2020. Columnists Frank Pignanelli and LaVarr Webb imagine what costumes Utah politicians would wear this year.

Steve Griffin, Deseret News

For the past several weeks, Utahns have been frightened by apparitions and haunting illusions — mostly emanating from Washington, D.C. But it’s also Halloween this weekend. Our politicians love free goodies even more than the rest of us. We utilized various artificial intelligence algorithms to determine what costumes they will be wearing as they seek treats and threaten tricks.

Gov. Spencer Cox will be dressed as Ted Lasso the football coach turned soccer manager. (For those of you who don’t have Apple TV, this award-winning fictional character is beloved by viewers for his incredible ability to be always positive and upbeat and for transforming enemies into friends.)

Lt. Gov. Diedre Henderson will be Wonder Woman as she uses her magic lasso to corral those pesky individuals claiming voting irregularities.

The Independent Redistricting Commission members (those left of center) will be dressed as the Bad News Bears dysfunctional baseball team trying to capture attention while irritating incumbent lawmakers.

The other redistricting commission members (those right of center) will be dressed as farmers and cowboys, emphasizing that each congressional district must include a large rural component.

Rep. Steve Christiansen and his fellow claimants of election fraud will be dressed as Scooby Doo and the Mystery Inc. gang, having fun looking for any evidence, any whatsoever, of voting scams in Utah.

Legislative redistricting chairs Sen. Scott Sandall and Rep. Paul Ray will wear railroad engineer caps, signifying that the redistricting locomotive is barreling down the track and you’d better get on board or get run over.

Congressmen Chris Stewart and Blake Moore will be each wearing military uniforms to help convince the redistricting committee that both should have a portion of Hill Air Force Base in their new districts.

President Joe Biden will be Casper the friendly ghost because he’s nice. Utahns don’t like his policies, but he has a nice smile.

Former President Donald Trump will be wearing the hockey mask of Michael Myers, the villain in many “Halloween” movies, hoping to terrorize liberals in an upcoming sequel.

Sen. Mike Lee will be costumed as the Norse god Thor, so he can use the big hammer to squash liberals, big technology companies and those not respectful of the Constitution.

Independent U.S. Senate candidate Evan McMullin will be dressed as Don Quixote (no further explanation necessary).

The announced major party candidates opposing Sen. Lee (Becky Edwards, Ally Isom, Nick Mitchell, Austin Searle, Allen Glines) will be dressed as the 1969 Miracle Mets with the hope that wondrous phenomena do actually occur.

Attorney General Sean Reyes will be dressing as Teddy Roosevelt the “trust buster,” reflecting his attempts to bust up Big Tech.

Salt Lake City Mayor Erin Mendenhall will don the mask of diplomat Henry Kissinger, representing her ability to keep left-wing City Council members and constituents happy, while balancing the scrutiny of conservative legislators.

Congressman Burgess Owens will be wearing a suit made of Teflon. Apparently, attacks upon him — or even comments made by him — bounce off without causing harm.

Sen. Mitt Romney will return as the Dark Knight — mysterious in his ways but trying to instill common sense into the dark corridors of the nation’s Capitol.

Salt Lake County Mayor Jenny Wilson will again assume the nun habit of Mother Teresa, demonstrating her concern for those afflicted in the pandemic while hoping to shame state leaders.

Congressman John Curtis is superhero Plastic Man, able to stretch himself across the state and the political aisles in preventing global warming and protecting states’ rights in public lands.

House Speaker Brad Wilson will sport the attire of Atlas, the demigod, shouldering the multitude of appropriation requests from those seeking a piece of the federal generosity.

Senate President Stuart Adams will seek treats as Gandalf the Grey, effortlessly and effectively leading his fellowship of senators through the scary forest filled with protestors, lobbyists and House members.

Senate Minority Leader Karen Mayne is Flo, the Progressive Insurance spokeswoman, reminding everyone that a unique style of relentless determination and earnestness does succeed.

Minority Leader Brian King is the cartoon character Underdog, fighting for right of the opposition to oppose anything, at any time, no matter what.

State Auditor John Dougall returns again as Baby Yoda, rooting out mediocre performance in state government.

Former Sen. Orrin Hatch is the Great Pumpkin. We know he is out there and we have fond memories but there haven’t been any sightings and we wish him well.

Pignanelli & Webb will be dressing again as a couple of gone-to-seed potted plants, reflecting both their intelligence and personalities.

Republican LaVarr Webb is a political consultant and lobbyist. Email: lwebb@exoro.com. Democrat Frank Pignanelli is a Salt Lake attorney, lobbyist and political adviser. Email: frankp@xmission.com.