Pignanelli & Webb: Well, it is Thanksgiving weekend, and the only political controversy is who gets the last piece of pumpkin pie. Although it is a time for relaxation with our families, your columnists have been busy using drone technology to eavesdrop on conversations about what people appreciate during this holiday of gratitude. Here’s what we learned:
Every man, woman and child: We are extremely grateful that we can now watch TV and enjoy all those pharmaceutical and automobile advertisements, instead of the constant barrage of negative advertising from the Lee and McMullin campaigns and PACs that supported them.
All Utahns: We are truly blessed to be regularly reminded that a small group of hard-working individuals — who were dismissed by elitists — have demonstrated teamwork, humility and perseverance to overcome difficult obstacles. We are referring of course to our local heroes, the new Utah Jazz (first place in Western Conference!).
Utah parents: We are grateful that Taylor Swift is ignoring Utah on her concert tour, so we don’t feel any pressure to buy tickets for our teens and endure all that hassle.
National pollsters, campaign experts, political wise men, media pundits: We are grateful Americans have a short attention span and will likely forget that we once again missed on our predictions and expectations this political season.
National news media: We are grateful for former President Donald Trump and his return to the national spotlight. He is a ratings machine, giving us daily stories and more advertising revenue. His new presidential bid will keep viewership and readership high among those who both love him and hate him.
National Democratic leaders: We are grateful to Trump and his army of election deniers. Without them this would have been an awful election year.
National Republican leaders: We are grateful to Trump and his army of election deniers. Because of the losses they caused, we can now purge them from our ranks and move on to new leaders.
Advertising agencies, newspapers, TV and radio stations, graphic artists: We are deeply grateful for the cornucopia of blessings our democracy delivers, especially a Supreme Court that reaffirms First Amendment rights of unlimited spending by super PACs and eager billionaires. May they prosper and raise ever more dollars to spend with us on their right-wing and left-wing causes.
Sen. Mike Lee: I am grateful to President Joe Biden, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, and Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer. They made such great foils in my campaign advertisements that prompted guaranteed Republican votes.
Sen. Mitt Romney: I am grateful to not have to repeatedly say “I told you so.” Political experts in the media, and even high-profile Republicans, are verifying what I said all along: Trump and his acolytes would hurt Republicans this election year.
Salt Lake County Mayor Jenny Wilson: I am grateful for Suzanne Harrison’s election to the County Council. Thank goodness the Council is no longer veto proof.
State Auditor John Dougall: I congratulate all my fellow politicians in their electoral successes. But I’m thankful none of them broke my record for the highest number of votes collected in a statewide race.
Gov. Spencer Cox: I share the gratitude of many that elections are over along with the unrelenting pressure for fundraising. Now it is easier for me to solicit support for my gala next week.
Lt. Gov. Deidre Henderson: I am grateful that once again Utah elections are near perfect. Even hard-core election deniers are muted.
Congressman John Curtis: I’m grateful the election is over because now I can get back to wearing my crazy socks.
Congressman Chris Stewart: I am thankful that American democracy triumphed and a Republican majority controls Congress. I now hear that wonderful word, “chairman.”
Congressman Burgess Owens: I appreciate the expressions of confidence made by the voters, and that they didn’t care I blew off the debate.
Congressman Blake Moore: I am grateful for my diplomatic experience because it is going to be needed inside the new, rowdy, Republican Caucus.
Salt Lake City Mayor Erin Mendenhall: I am grateful for the generally peaceful relations between my office and the City Council, the Legislature, the governor and pretty much everyone else in the state. Just what I need for my upcoming election in 2023.
Senate President Stuart Adams and House Speaker Brad Wilson: We are grateful for the Utah economy … and for the munificent surplus we will have next session.
Salt Lake Chamber President Derek Miller: I am grateful for hard-working Utahns, visionary politicians, fair regulators, and creative business leaders that make this state so attractive for companies to move their operations. I just hope they bring water with them.
Jason Perry, moderator, Hinckley Report: Always grateful that Utah leaders make local politics — and my show — interesting.
Pignanelli & Webb: We’re grateful that the elections are over, the holidays are here, and that the politicians we annoy have a sense of humor — at least most of them!
Republican LaVarr Webb is a former journalist and a semiretired small farmer and political consultant. Email:email@example.com. Frank Pignanelli is a Salt Lake attorney, lobbyist and political adviser who served as a Democrat in the Utah state Legislature. Email: firstname.lastname@example.org.