When his kindergarten teacher asked him what he wanted to do when he grew up, Ben Oyler didn't hesitate - "I want to go on a mission."
But a little more than four years later, July 4, 1986, Ben died of AIDS, the Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome. A hemophiliac, Ben contracted the disease through the blood transfusions that had helped keep him alive."He had lived only a short 94 months," his mother, Chris Oyler, said when she learned her son was dying of AIDS. "He had never driven a car. Never gone to a prom. Never held his own child."
Never served a mission.
Until now.
Two years after Ben's death, his life is teaching people about the plan of salvation through a television movie to be aired by CBS on Nov. 1. The movie, "Go Toward the Light," is a touching film portrayal of how Grant and Chris Oyler and their family dealt with the death of their child. The movie is based on a book by the same name, a condensed version of which was reprinted in the November issue of Readers Digest. The message of the book and movie is universal, but includes many uniquely LDS insights into life and death.
"We felt it was important to share the experience Ben had with other people," said Sister Oyler, a Primary teacher in the Monterey (Calif.) Ward. "The impact he had was great. We could at least do our part on this side of the veil."
Sister Oyler and her husband, who was called to be bishop of the Monterey Ward two months after Ben's death, visited Utah for the October general conference, and talked about Ben and the book and movie based on his life.
"During Ben's illness, we wanted to keep our privacy," Sister Oyler related. "We wanted to have as normal a life as possible. We wanted to be able to take Ben to the store without causing a scene.
"With AIDS, people are really paranoid," she said. "And to a little boy, rejection can be hard to take."
Ben was one of the first children in California to contract AIDS, and subsequent events, such as the local school board barring him from attending school, drew worldwide attention.
The press didn't release the Oylers' name throughout the ordeal, but the day after his death, several movie producers began calling, wanting to do a movie. The Oylers tried to be gracious as they rejected the offers that came on "the worst day of all."
Interview requests also began pouring in from the media.
"We sure didn't want to give interviews," Sister Oyler said. "It was hard enough just going through the experience, let alone talking about it."
But the Oylers felt somewhat of an obligation to tell Ben's story. So they agreed to do an interview at home with a trusted friend who worked at a television station. But the television story only caused more frustration for a family that was still in mourning.
As time passed, the Oylers decided to put their feelings on paper and tell their story - "the way we wanted to tell it." Working with television producer, Beth Poulson, and Los Angeles Times writer, Laurie Becklund, Sister Oyler wrote a book based largely on a journal she faithfully kept during the 13-month experience.
"The more we got into writing the book, the more we felt this was right," Sister Oyler said.
Bishop Oyler said they received reassurance at the 1987 October conference that telling Ben's story was the right thing to do when President Howard W. Hunter of the Council of the Twelve quoted from Cervantes - "When one door closes, another opens."
"We were just beginning to realize how many doors were opening for us," he said.
Ben's story isn't preachy, but it does contain a strong message that families are forever and death is not the end. These doctrines that comforted the Oylers during their tremendous trials captured the attention of those who were involved in helping the Oylers share their experience.
"What was neat was having non-members embrace the truths of the plan of salvation," Bishop Oyler said.
Sister Oyler recalled how in one meeting of film producers, her husband explained the relationship between the spirit and the body by using the example of a hand and glove. He told how the spirit comes into the body at birth, slips out at death and then lives on forever.
"You couldn't believe that room," Sister Oyler recalled. "They said, `Tell us that again. We've never heard anything like that before.' As Latter-day Saints, we sometimes take it for granted that we know these things. I left that meeting realizing how blessed we are."
The Oylers said they felt like they had strong testimonies of the gospel before Ben contracted AIDS, but their faith then was minute compared to what it is now.
"We learned to really trust in and depend on the Lord," Sister Oyler said.
As she wrote the book and participated in the filming of the movie, she shared her beliefs in many ways. During one scene, one of the actors, playing Ben's Grandpa Ralph, came out of a cabin with a cup of coffee in his hand.
"I went up to the producer and said, `My stepfather is Mormon; he wouldn't drink coffee,' " she related. The producer said the cup could contain hot chocolate or something other than coffee, but Sister Oyler persuaded him to leave the cup out of the scene.
Later, during a scene at a restaurant, wine glasses and coffee cups were prominently displayed on the table. She approached the director and told him that she and her husband wouldn't drink wine. The director responded by saying, "lose the wine glasses." Then just before they started filming, she added that they wouldn't drink coffee, either. After the director said "lose the coffee cups," he told Sister Oyler, "This the changesT never happens on other movie projectsT, I hope you know that."
"I just kept thinking - avoid the very appearance of evil," Sister Oyler said.
On another occasion, a cameraman told Sister Oyler that since the filming began, he had taken his family back to his church and had his children baptized.
Those kind of experiences have helped the family to know that the message of the gospel is getting through.
With the completion of the book and movie, the Oylers are learning to be a family again. They have three other sons, one of whom, Danny, was born eight months before Ben died. Recently, their two older sons Beau, 9, and Aber, 6, have been giggling a lot at seemingly inappropriate times.
At first their parents were upset with the giggling, but then they realized that their children had repressed happy feelings so long, they needed to express joy again. The children were just being normal.
"Everything was so serious for so long," Bishop Oyler said. "You get so caught up in the stress, anxiety and heartbreak, you forget what it's like to have those moments of carefree laughter."
Sister Oyler added that they are just starting to enjoy life again. Writing the book helped her to get many of her feelings of sadness out in the open.