Pam Bolton knows pain. She knows anger, frustration and helplessness. And she knows, after six years, how to help others deal with the overwhelming emotions involved when a child dies.
The Twin Falls, Idaho, schoolteacher lost a daughter to cancer in 1965. In 1983, her popular, pretty, sensitive 17-year-old daughter committed suicide."I watched my other daughter die for three years," she said. "The suicide was so much harder, because it's unexpected and because of the questions you start asking."
Bolton has recently begun speaking in public about how to handle grief and spoke recently with Compassionate Friends, an Idaho Falls support group for parents who have lost children.
Her message is simple: "People need to know they're not alone," she said. "I went through my grief alone, and I didn't realize other people had the same problems. When something like that happens, you're miserable; you feel like you can't go on, the pain is so great. You feel angry with the child that killed themselves. And even God - oh, boy, it's a very hard struggle even with the Lord."
ZoeAnn Bolton left an ambiguous note in her bedroom and disappeared. Three days later, she and her boyfriend were found dead at the bottom of a mountain.
"I lived in North Ogden at the time, and I could look out my window and see the curve they chose to drive off," Bolton said.
"A parent or loved one will ask over and over, `Why? Why? Why?' " Bolton said. "I finally was able to quit asking why and start wondering what I could do to help other people."
Bolton said she always wondered about ZoeAnn's choice to die, but said she realized that the girl didn't understand the permanence of the decision.
"I think they thought they could ride the mountain down, but a rock got in the way and the car flipped over," she said. "ZoeAnn died instantly, and I won't have any grandchildren. They're gone now, too."
Bolton now tells people that these feelings are normal, that others experience them and that they are necessary in order to go on with life.
"We live in a society that says you're a weakling if you need help," she said. "It's extremely hard for someone to say they can't do it by themselves and come to a group."
Her talk to Compassionate Friends centered on how to handle the holidays, a hurdle she says is hardest the first year and just perceptibly easier the second.
"I tell people to take care of themselves," she said. "They don't have to have Christmas. There's only 10 things written in rock, and having Christmas isn't one of them."
Those who have living children may find great comfort in taking care of them, but Bolton said these things vary, depending on the grieving person and the dynamics of the household.
"That's why I tell people to run away," she said. "Go to Florida and sit in the sun. Take off and go skiing for Christmas weekend."
Compassionate Friends, which started out as a support group for parents who had lost babies to sudden infant death syndrome, is branching out into several different support groups, including one for the survivors of people who commit suicide, said Martha Johnson, coordinator.