DEAR MISS MANNERS - I am a businesswoman in my early 40s, divorced, with no children. In my travels, I met a man in his early 60s who is handsome, charming and very successful. I think something might develop between us.
Recently he visited me, staying in a guest room. After he left, I discovered that he had forgotten something - his girdle.I don't know what to do. Ordinarily, if my visitor had been a woman, I would return it without hesitation. If my male friend had left, say, his shorts, I would also not hesitate.
If I do nothing, he may assume that I found the item in question, regard it as something shameful, and thus not feel he can acknowledge it. I would like to return it and somehow let him know that I don't mind at all if he wears a girdle. Any suggestions?
GENTLE READER - Every once in a while, Miss Manners has an opportunity to throw in a bonus. You did not ask her to help you encourage this gentleman, in addition to solving the delicate etiquette problem with his girdle, but she has a solution that will do both.
Invite him again (signifying that you found nothing unpleasant about your discovery) and then leave the girdle in the guest room (allowing him to retrieve it without discussing it).
DEAR MISS MANNERS - Our dining-room table has three chairs at each side, plus an armchair at each end. What is the correct seating arrangement when there are four or six people at the table? Does one remove the unused chairs to the wall, or leave them in place?
GENTLE READER - Once upon a time, four was considered the minimum number of places to set at a table, even when fewer people were dining. This has little to do with your question. Miss Manners is mentioning it because she is the last person still on earth who remembers, and she has gotten tired of waiting for a suitable question in response to which she can use this choice piece of information. She keeps the practice alive herself, only to the extent of having a minimum of four chairs at the table, but does not actually set phantom covers, for fear of guests' murmuring, "Well, she's finally crossed the line."
Now - you were asking about genuinely extra chairs, above the magic number. Yes, they go against the wall. At a very long table, it would be awkward to have only one person at each side with the hosts far away at the ends. Four people can be grouped with the host (or hostess) at one end, and one guest to one side and two (or one and then the host) to the other. Or you can have two people on the middle of each side, facing one another. Six can usually spread out enough to use the table conventionally, but it is also permissible not to use the ends, or to use only one of them.
DEAR MISS MANNERS - My husband and I spent our own money to treat ourselves and others to a grand celebration of our decision to marry. We spent six months of our life, and thousands of dollars, planning a big wedding.
Many families we invited responded for the entire family, or for the husband and wife. Unfortunately we discovered that many husbands and children "do not like to go to weddings." Out of the 150 guests expected at the wedding, only 40 showed up.
Miss Manners, I do not care about the money we wasted. What hurt was the emotional devastation we felt when we stood to walk down the aisle of a church filled with loved ones, and discovered that the church was empty, save for two rows.
It was the same feeling when we entered a large reception hall with place settings for 150 people, and found only 30 people.
This was supposed to be one of the best days of our life, and it was horrible. I wanted to write this letter to let people know what happens when they decide not to go to a wedding, or think that sending one representative of the family is sufficient to satisfy any social obligations they may feel.
GENTLE READER - Miss Manners knew this was where we would end up once people started regarding social invitations as negotiable, transferable and non-binding.
Going to the pseudo-parties given by businesses, and patronizing restaurants, has given people the incredibly rude idea that among their friends, as well, they may send representatives, drop by or not as their moods dictate, bring extra people, demand special foods, and so on.
Wedding invitations are particularly sacred, but all social invitations must be treated with respect or there will be no order, pleasure or point in extending hospitality. Miss Manners hopes people will learn from your experience, and is sorry you had to be the victim of such callousness. But please don't remember this as just a horrible day. You had each other, didn't you?
C) 1989 United Feature Syndicate Inc.