Hulk Hogan starring in a feature film. My, my.
If you're a Hogan fan, you may be interested in this movie that has him as wrestling star Rip, who only seems to be able to conquer his opponents when his younger brother Randy (Mark Pellegrino) is in the crowd.
Hogan is obviously trying for the Arnold Schwarzenegger musclebound movie crown, but Schwarzenegger need have no fears. In fact, on the acting front, even Chuck Norris needn't feel challenged.
"No Holds Barred" has Hogan overacting outrageously in the ring, with his eyes bugged out and his teeth clenched as he grunts and groans and spits and fumes.
Out of the ring? He's no different. Hogan has two expressions: Grimacing and not grimacing.
The story has Rip as a media star wanted desperately by the World Television Network, headed by evil Tom Brell (Kurt Fuller). Why he doesn't just settle for a new sitcom or cop show is never satisfactorily explained. In the world where this film takes place, wrestling is apparently the supreme spectator sport and the only major TV ratings draw.
So Brell demands that Rip come to work for him. Rip declines. It seems he has a contract elsewhere, and his word to his current contract-holder is even more solid than the paper with his signature.
So Brell has his henchmen try to kill Rip, but, as you might guess, the henchmen are clobbered instead. Then Brell comes across Zeus (Tiny Lister), a maniac he trains to take on Rip in a no-holds-barred battle in the ring — to be televised exclusively by WTV, of course.
But just in case Zeus isn't enough, Brell also has his henchwoman Samantha (Joan Severance, of "See No Evil, Hear No Evil") attempt to seduce Rip. Unfortunately, she falls for him instead. So Brell has her assaulted and then kidnaps her. But first he has Zeus pound the tar out of Rip's baby brother.
For some reason no one ever notifies the police about any of this mayhem — maybe this is set in the same town as "Road House."
Will Rip win the big climactic match? Will Randy recover? Will Brell get his comeuppance? Has Hulk Hogan watched too many "Rocky" movies? (He was in one, after all.)
First-time feature director Thomas J. Wright, whose background is primarily in television, guides "No Holds Barred" with an obvious eye to its future video potential — lots of closeups of sweaty, grimacing faces and lots of noise.
But everything is so cartoon-like, alternately silly, sentimental and bone-crunching, most adults are likely to start looking for the exit after 10 minutes. In addition, it's surprisingly vulgar, so parents probably won't want their kids to see it.
"No Holds Barred" is rated PG-13 for violence, profanity and vulgarity.