JANUARY
-Labor negotiations break off with Local No. 1004 of the Brotherhood of Little Dutch Boys, who walk off the job at Quail Creek Dike, near St George, shortly after midnight. A 40-foot-high wall of water from breached dam sends about 1,500 New Year's revelers, many dressed as table lamps, scurrying for higher ground.
-True story: Unsuccessful independent gubernatorial candidate Merrill Cook resolves he won't file for any elected office in 1989. Of course, there are no filing deadlines in 1989 - other than for municipal offices.
-Doctors operating on Gov. Norm Bangerter's badly deteriorated right knee tell him he'll never run as well as he did in November 1988; Democratic Party Chairman Randy Horiuchi calls a press conference to suggest shooting the old political war horse and selling him for glue. Merrill Cook buys a glue factory.
-Forty-eighth session of the Utah Legislature convenes with Bangerter asking for a $19 million tax cut and refill on his Percodan.
-Dorothy and Toto make a whirlwind stop in Sandy.
-Partly true story: Utah House passes bill making English the state's official language; then declares war on French-speaking Quebec.
-Utah House, on a roll, passes another bill making English the official language of Spain, France and the Republic of San Marino.
FEBRUARY
-Panguitch Bill (Alder) fails to see his shadow upon emerging from his cubicle at the U.S. Weather Service. He does notice an awful lot of snow on the ground, however, prompting him to predict it will eventually melt.
-Watchdog group Common Cause reports that Sen. Jake "Can We Talk" Garn earned nearly $209,000 in honorariums for speeches given to special interest groups during the past five years. Asked to comment, Garn said, he'd be happy to, for "a small fee."
-In sports, Utah Mailman Karl Malone is selected MVP by his Postal Service peers at the 39th All-Star Game for Letter Carriers Over 6-Feet Tall. Malone won the honor by correctly delivering a package simply addressed "Magic" to Earvin Johnson, a Southern California magician.
-Walking in the wing tips of predecessor David "Showtime" Wilkinson, Utah Attorney General Paul Van Dam, flanked by cardboard cutouts of Jim and Tammy Fae Bakker, appears on Fox Broadcasting's "America's Most Unwanted' to announce he'll defend the "TV Evangelism Decency Act," recently passed by the Utah Legislature.
-Provo entertainer Marie Osmond testifies during the Gary Sheets fraud trial that she's expecting and she plans to give her doctor a blank birth certificate and have him fill in the baby's name.
MARCH
-A highly poisonous Pakistani carpet viper bites snake handler William Haast, triggering an intensive international search for antivenin. Haast, who has been bitten 148 times, recovers to be bitten another day. The snake dies several days later when no antihuman can be located.
-Results of a National Enquirer reader's survey show that 72 percent of those responding want the doctor to name Marie's baby Elvis.
-Horiuchi submits to a 30-day psychiatric exam at Utah State Hospital after publicly admitting he's considering seeking a third term as state Democratic chairman.
-U.S. District Judge Thomas Greene strikes down Utah State Prison ban on Indian sweat lodges. Antiperspirant stocks skyrocket on Wall Street.
-University of Utah chemist/masochist B. Stanley Cold Cream and his British colleague Martin Margarine call a press conference to subject themselves to tremendous ridicule and scorn by late-night talk show hosts with a startling announcement that they have developed a new method to remove cherry Kool-Aid stains from carpet. The U. public relations department immediately and totally without justification hails the Cold Cream/Margarine compound, known by its highly scientific name, "Cold Goop," as one of the great discoveries of the late 20th century - ranking with the talking Parkay tub, cheese-flavored microwave popcorn and the Disney Channel (if you have small kids who drink Kool-Aid).
APRIL
-The Legislature OKs $5 million study to see if Cold Goop will remove Hawaiian Punch stains too.
-Nerdy Texas A&M University scientists announce Cold Goop successfully removed grape Kool-Aid stains; they are unable, however, to replicate the process using cherry Kool-Aid.
-Same nerdy A&M scientists begin testing Cold Goop on crayon marks.
MAY
-Horiuchi, looking fresh and relaxed after a frontal lobotomy and two months of electroshock treatment, announces he's Elvis and starts work on his Las Vegas lounge act.
-Three Timpanogos Mental Health Center officials plead guilty to charges they misappropriated $3.5 million in state funds after no one believes their story about a lucky weekend in Wendover.
-True story: Spring City Mayor Ron Christensen unplugs the town's cable TV subscribers for more than an hour to assure a large turnout at a town meeting to decide the fate of a proposed sewer system.
JUNE
-Utah remains the youngest state in the nation, according to the U.S. Census Bureau. The planned celebration has to be called off, though, when the bash is inadvertently scheduled after everyone's bedtime.
-Dog and pony show put on by the Salt Lake Winter Games Organizing Committee in Iowa is so successful that Utah organizers will not only be the U.S. Olympic Committee's bid city in 1998 and 2002, but they'll also host next year's Iditarod along with the Preakness and Belmont stakes.
-U. President Chase Peterson announces he'll rename one of his grandchildren "Jim," in honor of filthy rich guy James L. Sorenson's $15 million gift to the university. Peterson will also rename Fluffy, the family cat, for an extra $500,000.
-Peterson's daughter calls a press conference to announce she will not name one of her girls "Jim."
-Over vehement objections by conservationists, the Utah Wildlife Board approves opening day of the sandhill crane hunt for Sept. 2.
-Angry conservationists approve Utah Wildlife Board hunt for Sept. 1.
JULY
-The FBI announces the disappearance of three urinals, valued at $140,000 each, from Hill Air Force Base was actually the culmination of an elaborate two-year sting operation to break up a sophisticated ring of military personnel and civilians specializing in stealing grossly overpriced military lavatory fixtures. In the past year, the ring reportedly stole hundreds of thousands of dollars of grossly overpriced military lavatory items. Among the items stolen were a dozen toilet paper dispensers valued at more than $254,000 and carrying a street value of $63.
-UP&L sends Reddy Kilowatt packing to the Outmoded Corporate Symbol Retirement Community in Sun City, Ariz., where he'll share a room with the Big Boy.
-Patent attorneys pulling down a $34,000 monthly retainer are rich, as well as red-faced, to learn a private energy consultant and former Salt Lake County Commission candidate has already registered the name Cold Goop(R) with the Utah Department of Commerce.
-The Utah Department of Transportation begins another summer reign of terror with a frightening commuter double feature: "Name That Detour" and "Highways From Hell."
AUGUST
-Sorenson commiserates with fellow filthy rich guy Jon M. Huntsman, who had a university sports arena, an Olympic-style competition for seniors in St. George and a leadership center in Philadelphia all named after him for a piddling $11 million.
-In a complete surprise, delegates of the newly created MERRILL COOK FOR ANYTHING PARTY unanimously elect glue magnate Merrill Cook to be their state party poobah, vice poobah, secretary poohbah, treasurer poobah and entertainment committee poohbah.
-Entertainment Committee Poobah Merrill Cook hires a new popular Japanese Elvis impersonator to headline the MCFAP fund-raiser.
SEPTEMBER
-Sorenson withdraws his gift to the U.; a National Enquirer reader's survey shows that 69 percent of those responding still think Peterson ought to rename his grandchild Elvis.
-Deseret News/KSL poll shows 61 percent of Utahns think Cold Goop(R) is genuine. Many of these same respondents also claim to have had their picture taken with Big Foot, or say they were part of the welcoming party when a cigar-shaped UFO landed on the outskirts of Goshute, Sanpete County, on Sept. 14, 1968.
-Utah's classrooms sit vacant as teachers stage a one-day statewide strike, demanding that Zsa Zsa go free.
-True story Part I: After four days of fruitless searching for 10-year-old Joshua Dennis, authorities say they're sure the missing boy isn't inside the abandoned Hidden Treasure Mine in Tooele County.
-True story Part II: Rescuers emerge with Joshua Dennis from the Hidden Treasure Mine.
-Conceding he's one of the Postal Service's top paid employees, Karl Malone says he's satisfied making $1.2 million more than the average letter carrier in Utah and will continue making his deliveries for the Jazz in 1989-90 and beyond.
-5-foot 10-inch Larry H. Miller buys the Salt Lake Golden Eagles, saying he always wanted to be an owner his players could look up to.
OCTOBER
-Carnage abounds as hundreds are killed or maimed during the opening of the annual Utah deer hunt. Several deer are shot also.
-Wasatch County commissioners anticipate rejecting Sorenson's latest gift-giving effort - 160 acres of right of way for the county's new $11 million highway between Heber City and Kamas in exchange renaming Heber City - Sorensonville.
-Director of the Utah Retirement System resigns after an audit uncovers he invested the system's money in Idaho Lottery tickets.
-TCI Cablevision announces it has lured Martin Boorman from his Paraguay retirement to head up the company's new Cable Gestapo. Those caught pilfering the company's signal will be rounded up and trucked to work camps in Parowan, where they will be forced to watch AWA Prime Time Wrestling and reruns of the Brady Bunch. Company officials assure the public this stepped-up enforcement will not affect a long-standing policy of terrible reception, snitty receptionists and outrageous rates.
-Sorenson changes his name to U.S. "Post" Office.
NOVEMBER
-Rep. Howard Nielson proposes buying Amtrak a box of Huggies.
-Construction worker plunges 45 feet to his death after being suspended by his hard hat from an I-15 overpass to demonstrate the bonding capabilities of Syn-crete.
DECEMBER
-Merrill Cook secretly enters "Candidates Anonomyous" rehab center under the assumed name, Mills Crenshaw.
-West German newspaper Der Newspaper reports that East German officials had tried patching a tiny crack in the Berlin Wall with Syn-crete earlier last month.
-Merrill Cook checks out of rehab center and declares he's cured. He says he won't run for any elected office for the rest of the decade.