DEAR MISS MANNERS - What do you think about somebody who doesn't cry at a funeral?
This man lost his wife after a long illness. I saw him cry before she died - it hurt him to see her suffer - but at the funeral he didn't cry. I'm wondering why. I know he loved her. He says he'll never marry again. Why no tears at the funeral?GENTLE READER - Miss Manners prefers to say what she thinks of someone who monitors a widower at his wife's funeral, in (disappointed) expectation of a dramatic manifestation of his deepest emotions.
The kindest thing she can manage is that you do not understand grief. Perhaps you are lucky enough never to have suffered a loss.
It is not uncommon for people to be temporarily sustained by the formalities of a funeral, so that their emotions are subdued, sometimes even numbed. Violent outbursts of grief are more likely to take place during the supposed return to "normal" life, when the mourner realizes that his loss is permanent.
Except for vulgar Victorian and earlier funerals at which professional "mourners" were hired to weep and wail over the caskets of strangers, etiquette has never concerned itself with whether people cry at a funeral. Miss Manners advises you not to concern yourself with it, either, but to offer any bereaved friend what solace you can.
DEAR MISS MANNERS - A young lady who works with me said she had met a wonderful middle-age man who so excited her that they became intimately involved on the first date - but only after he had shown her the town, including dinner and dancing at a very expensive establishment.
However, he had to leave her apartment earlier the next morning than she did, and after he had departed, she returned to her bedroom to find $50 in her dresser. Her evening of joy was suddenly transformed into feelings that bordered on outright hatred - "How could he do something like this to me? What kind of lady did he take me for, anyway?"
The next time he called, one day later, she bawled him out and refused to see him again.
Another lady at work said she would have seen him again so she could punch him in the face.
A third lady, the ex-spouse of a multimillionaire, responded to the two younger ladies, "I'm old enough to be your mother, so I'm going to give you some advice. A lady never asks for money after such a romantic evening; however, should a gentleman offer money, she never refuses."
Is the third lady correct?
GENTLE READER - Third lady? Miss Manners doesn't count any "ladies" in this anecdote. Neither, apparently, did the gentleman. You, at least, made a halfhearted attempt to convince Miss Manners that the person in question was so felled by overwhelming passion as to overcome the circumspect practices of an otherwise respectable life.
Miss Manners is not saying that you were successful. The mention of the expensive evening suggests that barter was indeed in her mind. But there seems to have been no such effort at persuading the gentleman, who therefore drew his own conclusions.
Perhaps your young colleague believes that spending the night with a near-stranger is merely a conventional way of getting to know someone better. In that case, this experience should teach her that the belief is far from universal.
DEAR MISS MANNERS - I am a 62-year-old widow, planning to remarry. Those invited to the marriage ceremony will be limited to family, and I shall personally invite them.
But how shall I word the invitations to the afternoon wedding reception-tea with dancing? My parents are both deceased. I feel it would be awkward to extend the invitation in my deceased husband's name. To use my maiden name perhaps would be acceptable, but with what title? Miss? Mrs.? Or, heaven forbid, Ms.? How should the announcements be worded?
The tea dance will be held at the local Senior Citizen Auditorium, which has no small tables available, so I will only be able to have chairs for my guests. All I can think of to serve are finger foods such as small sandwiches and shortcake-type cookies. Should forks and small plates be available for the individual servings? This could be difficult for the guests to manage standing up.
Is having a wedding cake de rigueur? Or could I have petits fours instead, which would eliminate the need for plates?
There is a need for social etiquette guidelines for us senior citizens.
GENTLE READER - No, you seem to be doing fine. Unlike many young brides, you are concentrating on the pleasure of your guests, rather than declaring that it is your day to boss everyone around as you please.
Sandwiches and cookies are excellent fare for a tea dance. You could substitute petits fours for a wedding cake, but Miss Manners would think it a shame. Wedding cake is one of the delights of a wedding reception, and it can easily be eaten by people who are standing up, with only a plate and fork.
Since you dislike "Ms.," the correct and useful honorific for ladies using their given names with married surnames, Miss Manners suggests that you send informal invitations in the form of individual letters, which you will simply sign.
Planning a wedding? If you need Miss Manners' advice on whom to invite, what to wear, who pays for what, etc., send two dollars for her "Weddings for Beginners" pamphlet to: Miss Manners, in care of this newspaper, P.O. Box 91428, Cleveland, OH 44101-3428.
Feeling incorrect? Address your etiquette questions (in black or blue-black ink on white writing paper) to Miss Manners, in care of this newspaper. The quill shortage prevents Miss Manners from answering questions other than through this column.