Do you have wild, ferocious moments in which you just let your anger fly? Along with the paperweight, the nearest dish or the hairbrush you're holding? And when you explode, do you scream, strike blows, say unforgiveable and unforgettable things? If so, you may be suffering from adult temper tantrums.
You have all the symptoms? If so, you're not alone. Not many adults survive their stressed lives without having an occasional temper tantrum. The problem comes, of course, when tantrums occur frequently and begin wearing on relationships and damaging people.It's natural to get angry. Anger is a physiological state of readiness that prepares you to act when you're threatened or hurt. Nothing more.
Once you experience anger, however, you have choices as to how you express it. If you erupt whenever you're frustrated, you're not deciding how to behave. You become a wild machine on automatic. Your habits take control of you. You hurt other people.
Gaining self-control. The most common excuse adults use for tantrums is "I just can't control myself."
But it's not that adults can't control their behavior - it's that sometimes they don't. The assumption adults make that they are driven by feelings they can't control is convenient - but not accurate. Adults are totally responsible for their anger outbursts and can - if they choose - change the way they express anger.
One reason adult tantrum-throwers often don't think about changing themselves is that they typically blame others for their tantrums: "You annoyed me," "You got on my nerves," "You made me lose my cool."
The truth is, however, that no one can make you explode - you alone are responsible for that decision. To reflect the fact you're in charge, then, you need to explain your loss of control in reference to yourself: "I let your behavior annoy me," "I let you get on my nerves," "I made me lose my cool."
The fact that anger is a choice - and that you are in charge - is actually good news because having a choice paves the way for bringing anger explosions under control.
"How do I change?" The first step is to face yourself squarely. Do you want to change? Do you want to take full control of your behavior? Are you willing to spend the energy required to stay ahead of your anger? And, finally, are you willing to change the negative outcome of encounters with others? When people have anger explosions, their unwitting goal is usually to hurt or humiliate others, to make them feel guilty, or to retaliate.
To successfully change your anger pattern, then, you have to commit to a new goal of working through the problem and leaving the encounter without resentment - no easy task if your aim in the past has been to punish.
If you're ready to commit to a change program, here are steps you can take:
- Start paying attention to physiological signals that warn that you're getting angry. Maybe your face flushes, your body gets tight or your fists clench when you're close to exploding. These warning signals indicate you need to retreat and get yourself back into control.
- Keep a daily anger diary and record each time you become angry. Do an "anger autopsy" to discover the situations and events that trigger your anger. You will find patterns, and you can then plan ahead to handle your anger differently.
- Record in your diary what you say to yourself when you're angry. You feed your anger with your own heated self-statements. "Who does he think he is?" "He can't do this to me," "I'm going to show him," are all examples of "hot thoughts" that inflame anger.
Labeling other people ("You jerk!") or their actions ("That was rude!") is a form of "hot thoughts" that will fire up your anger. Identify specific behaviors of others that hurt you - and avoid gross generalizations that stereotype others and feed your fury.
- Practice exchanging "hot thoughts" for "cool thoughts" - thoughts that cool you down rather than heat you up. For example: "I need to keep my cool, or this situation could really get out of hand. I can cope. Take deep breaths. That's right. That feels better.
"I can handle this. If I lose control, I'll be the loser.
"Whatever he says doesn't matter. What really matters is that I control myself."
Avoid "hot thoughts" in which you invent negative motives that "explain" the behavior of others: "She's unfair," "He's just like that," "She's stupid."
Instead, concentrate on "cool thoughts" sympathetic to the other person's position: "She must be very hurt by something I've done to insult me like that."
- Notice your self-statements. If they read "red hot," delay any response until you've cooled down.
- Use a key word like "Stop!" or "Think!" when you realize your physiological warning signals are flashing or your self-statements are "red hot."
- If you find that despite your best efforts, your anger keeps erupting, seek help. Chronic anger and irritability are key symptoms of a chemical depression, a physical disorder that, like ulcers or diabetes, may need to be treated medically.