Sheila Hunter has loving hands. All day long those hands are kept busy loving - loving Joshua, her 11-year-old son; Gina, her teenage daughter; and Don, her husband.
But it doesn't stop there. Her hands also care for her mom, Erma; and her dad, Roy.Hunter is part of what gerontologists are calling the "Sandwich Generation" - people who are raising families of their own but are also having to care for aging parents.
Hunter, 44, doesn't mind being a Sandwicher.
"Since I was small, I promised my mom I'd never leave her or make her stay alone," Hunter said.
True to her word, Hunter has made sure that her parents have not had to be alone as they have grown older and less independent. For the past three years, Sheila Hunter's parents have shared her Orem home; two months ago, Hunter moved her father, who is 84, to a nearby nursing home.
Love and responsibility
"I had a great love for them, a great sense of responsibility for them," Hunter said. "I wanted them to come live with me while they were still healthy and able to have fun."
Erma thought it was worth a try. But her friends were less than enthusiastic about the proposition and encouraged the Houchens to continue living in their Cedar City home.
"Everyone said there are no houses big enough for two families," Erma said.
Some of Hunter's friends also tried to discourage the melding of the families.
"I had quite a few friends who said `You're going to be sorry. It is not going to work out.' But it is a lot easier to have them here than in a home close by, and having to go there to scrub floors, do chores and tuck them in at night."
Nay to the naysayers
The naysayers have been proven wrong, however, and now Hunter can count 15 friends who are considering caring for their parents in their homes. One of those friends is Linda Starks, whose father is 85 and mother 72. Starks still has seven children at home ranging in age from 5 to 18.
"I think it is more desirable if they can stay in (the child's) home as long as possible," Starks said. "It is more of a personal thing when you take care of them yourself."
Hunter says successfully merging two families under one roof depends on a big-hearted spouse, flexibility and an open mind.
"It depends on the parents," Hunter said. "You have to see how you get along with them when you're not living together. That is kind of the way you'll get along with them in the home.
"You've got to be honest and tell each other what bothers you and what doesn't or there is going to be stress," Hunter said. "Set rules and regulations like you would with kids. Mom has to listen to the hot rock or whatever Gina is listening to, and the kids had to get used to hearing the TV way up loud."
One study has shown that older individuals in relatively good health, who prefer to live near relatives and who endorse family interdependence adapt most successfully to being cared for by adult children. Most often, it is an adult daughter who lives geographically close to the parents who becomes the caregiver.
"At her age (Erma is 81) she can't clean the furnace or take care of the yard," Hunter said. "I don't have to worry about her bills, or people breaking in. She feels secure here."
"I feel safe and protected," Erma agreed.
Issues to consider
People considering forming multigenerational families should consider issues such as:
- How they feel about old age.
- How their family deals with illness or financial problems.
- Whether everyone will have adequate privacy.
- What services are available in the community to supplement their role as primary caregiver.
Hunter says caring for her parents was "just in (her) background." But she also prepared herself to be a caregiver by reading books on aging and related topics.
But nothing prepared her for the first time she had to give her own father a bath.
"I was so humiliated and embarrassed I thought I would die," Hunter said. "But I knew I had to do it. I stood outside (the bathroom) and said `Oh, help me God.' "
She wasn't the only one embarrassed. "Dad said `I never thought it would come to this,' " Hunter said. The embarrassment didn't last long for either of them, however.
"When you start taking care of them, you change," Hunter said. "When it comes, it comes and you get used to it."
Financial and physical burden
The role reversal of child caring for parent in intimate ways is just one of the problems caregivers such as Sheila Hunter have to face. While caring for an elderly family member at home is less expensive than institutionalizing them - nursing home costs average $20,000 to $25,000 a year - it can still be a financial burden.
Providing physical care can also be difficult - lifting a parent into and out of bathtub, for example, and dealing with physical problems such as incontinence. Guilt and emotional fatigue are also common among caregivers.
"Anyone, especially when they reach the point where they can't care, will feel guilty that they can't provide all the care," said Kirsten Ball, coordinator of the gerontology certification program at the University of Utah.
"That is where they need to read things about dealing with the stress of being a caregiver and realize there are things they can't do. When you are caring for someone and are on call 24-hours a day you've got to be physically and emotionally drained," Ball said. "People just aren't prepared to be called on at all hours of the day and night."
Dad goes to the nursing home
Two months ago, Hunter had to put her dad in a nursing home because she could no longer physically care for him.
"He couldn't get up, he was incontinent and confused," Hunter said. "His doctor said there is no way he could stay home. He said if it was his own (father) he would do the same thing."
Ball said Hunter's dilemma is not unusual. "Usually people do everything they can to keep their family member home, even past the time when it is appropriate to keep them at home," he said.
The move to the nursing home was hard on everyone - Roy, Erma and Hunter. He continually asked when he could go back home to the sun-filled room with a bay window overlooking the back yard in Hunter's home - a place he had come to love so much.
"Of course, I wanted him home, too," Hunter said. "All of us feel guilty."
"It's hard," Erma said. "You just have to take it."
Hunter and her husband and mother come to visit Roy several times a day, checking to make sure he has all his favorite things within reach - copies of his favorite supermarket tabloids, mints and other candies, and fruit.
"There are a lot of personal things there is no way the staff could know," Hunter said. "They give a lot of individual care but not all the quirks and things they've liked all their lives."
That's where Hunter's loving hands come in.
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Living a good life
Average life spans in selected states:
STATE AGE
Hawaii 77.02
Minnesota 76.15
Iowa 75.81
UTAH 75.76
North Dakota 75.71
Nebraska 75.49
Wisconsin 75.35
Louisiana 71.74
South Carolina 71.85
Mississippi 71.98
Washington D.C. 69.20