DEAR PROFESSOR: Last December my sister-in-law told me a "true story" which her brother, a landscaper, heard from a colleague.
I tried to tell her about the guy in Utah that collects these stories, but she had no doubt that this story is true:"A lady bought a cactus plant from her brother's colleague, and the night after it was delivered she heard a creaking noise coming from it. The next morning the cactus was still creaking, so she called the landscaper.
"He told her to get out of the house, taking any pets and children with her. He rushed over in a van, wearing a decontamination suit, and went in after the cactus.
"As he was walking back to the van with it, the cactus exploded, releasing thousands of baby scorpions." - C.G., CHAPEL HILL, N.C.
DEAR C.G.: I'll guess that the landscaper got his stock from a branch of Frank's Nursery, part of the largest plant nursery chain in the United States. Frank's is the usual victim of this wild report.
If so, your story is a standard version of a legend I call "The Critters in the Cactus." If not, the people at Frank's - who have been bugged by this fictional story for years - should be relieved that it may be switching targets.
Urban legends about spiders found nesting in cactuses or yuccas imported from Central America surfaced in Scandinavia and Great Britain in the early 1970s. In 1985, a rash of "Spider in the Yucca" yarns zeroed in on plants supposedly bought from Marks & Spencer, a British retail chain.
The plants were said to have hissed, squeaked, shaken, quivered, quaked and even screamed when they were watered. Specialists from M&S reportedly came and removed the infested plants while wearing protective clothing and using metal extending arms.
I heard my first American version of the story in February 1989 from a reader in Kalamazoo, Mich., who was told the cactus had been bought at - you guessed it - Frank's Nursery. The plant moved when it was watered, the motion being caused by "a tarantula having babies inside the plant."
No sooner did I mention the Kalamazoo story in a column, than I started hearing it from elsewhere in the Midwest.
Several readers in suburban Chicago wrote to report stories about cactuses, usually purchased at Frank's, that wiggled when watered and were found to harbor deadly spiders or scorpions, sometimes numbering in the thousands.
Elaine Viets, columnist for the St. Louis Post Dispatch, heard the same story in her area and checked with Frank's district office. She learned that the legend was circulating in Illinois, Indiana and Ohio as well as Missouri.
Viets also heard from a reader who heard the story in Buffalo, N.Y., with the variation that someone had dug up a cactus in the Southwest and brought it home.
When the illegally-acquired plant started moving, the person put it outside and called firemen; they supposedly torched the plant, flushing out a nest of tarantulas. At least Frank's didn't get blamed for that mess!
I've also heard the infested-cactus story from Cincinnati; Minneapolis; Milwaukee; Royal Oak, Mich.; and now Chapel Hill, N.C.
Frank's or some other "prominent florist" is always mentioned, and the plants either move, "breathe," or make noises when watered or tended. Store officials or firemen are called, and they remove (or burn out) numerous spiders or scorpions - often "newborn" ones. (How can you tell?)
In her letter, the Milwaukee reader guessed, "If I heard it twice, I figure you've probably heard it a hundred times."
Not quite, but I have heard about "The Critters in the Cactus" enough times to recognize it as an urban legend that's driving a large nursery chain right up the wall.