"Let me call you sweetheart." That's what my dad used to sing to my mother as he romantically rowed with her in Liberty Park in their courting days. It was "their song," although I can't prove that my dad regularly called my mother "sweetheart." Mostly I remember him calling her "Mother," while she called him by his first name, Leo. Since her first name was Lavinia, "Mother" may have been easier to say.
That is one of the reasons I was interested in the results of a survey conducted for Korbel, the California wine company (by R.H. Bruskin Associates, a market research firm that interviewed 1,000 male and female adults), to determine the country's "Top 10 Terms of Endearment."The survey revealed that "honey" is the overwhelming favorite term of endearment for both men and women, with more than one out of four respondents (26 percent) saying that they refer to their "special someone" as "honey." Nearly twice as many married people vs. singles (32 percent vs. 18 percent) prefer this pet name. Women, also, are more likely than men (31 percent vs. 22 percent) to call their beloved "honey."
I was interested to hear that because I had always supposed that the use of sweet names might tend to be sexist as applied to women. The survey also suggested that many men and women prefer no pet name at all. A distant second with only 6 percent is just using "his/her name" to address one's spouse or significant other.
Rebecca Sydnor, Korbel's director of romance, says, "In the past, it was more common for men and women to call each other by favorite pet names. Our survey revealed that a definite change in attitude has taken place. Many of us don't use pet names, perhaps because of societal and behavioral changes. To an increasing extent, stereotypes of men and women, often reflected by pet names, are no longer acceptable. This has put an emphasis on relationships based on equality, respect and friendship."
That is good news. Especially after you read further down the list. No. 3 is "baby," followed by "sweetheart," "dear," "lover," "darling," "sugar," "pumpkin" and "angel" (tied), and No. 10 is "precious" and "beautiful" (tied).
The survey even included some of the more unusual pet names such as "toots," "huggybear," "little red," "punky," "tootsie," "buddy" and "pupkins."
I have heard of people who use names every bit as bizarre as that - "sweetcakes," "babydoll" and "honeybun," for example. How can you view your spouse with respect and equality when you call her "Little Red"? Or "Huggybear"? I suppose you can argue that the use of any of these incredibly stupid names is a signal of an intimate relationship, but I think that kind of intimacy is expendable. It seems more like parent to little baby than lover to lover. In fact, we use terms like that when we talk to little kids, and the use of the terms to a spouse implies paternalism. The next step is bound to be baby talk.
Coochy Cooooo!
Almost as bad is the habit many people have of calling each other "Mom" and "Dad." The survey didn't reveal how many married people actually do it, but I bet there are a lot! It is probably done initially to encourage little kids to refer to their parents with respect - and then with force of habit it continues on into old age. Calling each other "Mom" and "Dad" not only destroys intimacy, it sets up an unnatural relationship that may even encourage spouses to treat each other as parental figures instead of intimates.
All every woman needs is to have a husband who treats her as he would his mother.
All of this suggests that the first name is still the best way to go. But if the choice is between "Mom" and "Punky," I'll take the latter. Better to be childish than over the hill.