HARRIS: Mornin', Wojo. What you lookin' at?
WOJOHOWICZ: Oh, hi, Harris. Just a picture inna paper.HARRIS: Picture? Of what?
WOJOHOWICZ: Wull, that's what I dunno. You tell me - doesn't that look like Barney?
HARRIS: Barney? Lemme see. No way, man. Barney never dressed that good in his life.
WOJOHOWICZ: You mean the tuxedo? Maybe not, but look at the face. That's gotta be him.
DIETRICH: Not necessarily.
WOJOHOWICZ: Oh, hi, Dietrich. Whatta you mean?
DIETRICH: It's a well-known scientific fact that certain genetic combinations can recur down the centuries even across widely spread family and geographical lines.
HARRIS: You mean it's a lookalike? Or maybe even his twin?
DIETRICH: That or he's on the lam. Does it give a name?
WOJOHOWICZ: Yeah. It says it's somebody named Hal Linden and that he performed the other night with somethin' called the Utah Symphony.
HARRIS: Performed? You mean he played an instrument?
WOJOHOWICZ: Yeah, that too. A clarinet. But it also says he sang.
HARRIS: Sang? I don' know 'bout the clarinet, but I ain't never heard Barney sing!
WOJOHOWICZ: Wull, these people did. It says it was the orchestra's "annual retirement-fund benefit" and that he came out on the second half and "treated them to a variety of Broadway standards from `Kismet' ("Rhymes Have I") and `Bells Are Ringing' to his own Tony-winning role as the patriarch of `The Rothschilds.' What's a "patriarch"?
DIETRICH: Traditionally the male head of a family, the father or father figure the rest of the family looks up to.
HARRIS: Hey, that does sound a little like Barney. What else's it say?
WOJOHOWICZ: It says he's "smoothly professional without being slick," that he "worked well with the orchestra" and, let's see, that his singing "got better as he got warmed up." It also says he "interacted flavorfully with the Dixieland combo when he pulled out his clarinet, offering stylish solos not only there but in the finale of the Mozart Clarinet Concerto, where his playing had not only technique but personality." Whatever that means.
HARRIS: I think it means it can't have been Barney. I mean, can you imagine him soloing with an orchestra?
DIETRICH: Stranger things have happened. There've been policemen who became movie and television stars, and prime ministers who soloed with orchestras.
WOJOHOWICZ: Wull, I don't think that's what happened here. It says this Linden came off Broadway, after playing with some big bands, then went into movies 'n' television. That at one point he "even recalled the vaudeville era, complete with imaginary top hat and cane, in `Smile, Smile, Smile.' " That he led the audience in the same song an' even got them to feed him straight lines in some of the jokes he told.
HARRIS: He told jokes? Now I know it wasn't Barney.
WOJOHOWICZ: It says he also praised Salt Lake City "for supporting a world-class orchestra" and that earlier the orchestra did some stuff on its own, including . . . what's that word?
DIETRICH: Berlioz.
WOJOHOWICZ: " . . . Berlioz's `Roman Carnival' Overture, Ravel's `Pavane for a Dead Princess' and the Suite from Strauss' `Der . . . .
DIETRICH: "Rosenkavalier." It's the knight who presents the girl in the opera with a silver rose.
HARRIS: Sounds like they got themselves a little silver that night, too.
LEVITT: Mail call! Dietrich, Harris, Wojohowicz . . . .
HARRIS: Hi, li'l Levitt. What's the matter? You got one there you can't figure out? (Looks at letter.) Hey, Woj, you aren't gonna believe this.
WOJOHOWICZ: Let's see. "12th Precinct, Capt. Miller, care of . . . .
ALL: "Hal Linden"?