Diane Medved, the author of "The Case Against Divorce," starts out with a confession: "This isn't the book I set out to write," she admits. "I planned to write something consistent with my previous professional experience - helping people with decisionmaking . . . When I conceptualized this book on divorce, it was in that mold - a guide to help people decide if separation is appropriate.
"In my private practice, I'd seen plenty of struggling couples, and in every case I anguished along with them when they described manipulation, lack of attention or emotional dissatisfaction. I knew from their stories, as well as my own experience, the heart-wrenching desperation that precedes separating and the liberation that leaving represents. I originally thought that staying together in turmoil was ultimately more traumatic than simply making the break."But, continues Medved, "to my utter befuddlement, the extensive research I conducted for this book brought me to one inescapable and irrefutable conclusion: I had been wrong. The statistics and anecdotes I gathered forced me to scuttle my well-prepared plans. I had to face the fact that writing a `morally neutral' book showing divorce to be just another option - a life choice no better or worse than staying married - would be irreparably damaging to the audience I wanted to help."
What Medved found when she scratched below the surface feelings of people she interviewed was that "the truth was hard to avoid. Often in a rush of tears, they described the suffering and anguish they had endured - nights of fantasies about the husband or wife who left them; days of guilt after abandoning a once-devoted mate.
"They talked about the nuts and bolts of daily life, of uprooting, of shifting to an apartment and splitting possessions, of balancing parental duties with now-pressing work demands. They spoke of changing relationships with their children, who moved from innocent babes to confidants to arbitrators and sometimes to scapegoats. And they mourned a part of themselves never to be recaptured. The part they had once invested in a marital or family unit was now destroyed."
Medved was aghast at her discoveries but, she says, "the more I heard . . . and read . . . the more I was forced to concede that the ruinous stories of my divorced clients and interviewees were true. Divorce was catastrophic - but not in the commonly acceptable terms of a simple year or two thrown away." Instead, she notes, "the aftermath of divorce is so pervasively disastrous - to body, mind and spirit - that in an overwhelming number of cases, the `cure' that it brings is surely worse than the marriage's `disease.' "
Noting exceptions that make divorce clearly the only recourse - such as physical and mental abuse or situations when one partner refuses to stay in the marriage or withdraws to the point that the other is truly alone - Medved concludes: "When I look at the balance of the bad and the good that divorced individuals endure, my only possible conclusion is that people could be spared enormous suffering if they scotched their permissive acceptance of divorce and viewed marriage as a serious, lifelong commitment, a bond not to be entered into - or wriggled out of - lightly."
For anyone seriously contemplating the termination of a long-term relationship, Medved's book is a must. And toward what goal? In part, to become realistically appraised of the "permanent distrust, anguish and bitterness that divorce brings." No one, Medved observes, ever emerges from a divorce unscathed. Here are just a sample of her observations in that respect:
- There are few events in life more stressful than divorce. The Holmes "Social Readjustment Rating Scale," which lists the life events most shattering to one's equilibrium, shows marital separation and divorce as the second and third most stressful situations (after the death of a spouse) that anyone can experience.
- The anger that results from a divorce may linger for years. In one study, 41 percent of remarried women and 30 percent of remarried men were "very angry" fully 10 years later.
- In any new relationship, people are still followed by the shadows of a first relationship. They tacitly expect to have every good thing they had in the old relationship - plus! That doesn't happen. They are also doomed to repeat past patterns that led to marital problems in the first place.
- Divorcing partners have to "confront their own sense of failure, wondering if they are guilty of not doing as much as they could have or should have, along with the despair that they have been deselected as the uniquely wonderful person in their spouse's life."
- The single life isn't what it's cracked up to be. Ask anyone - the "swinging singles" life is full of frustration, rejection and disappointment, says Medved.
- Divorce hurts people, bringing out selfishness, hostility and vindictiveness. It ruins a person's idealism about marriage. It leaves emotional scars from which one can never be free. It costs a bunch of money - and significantly reduces standards of living.
- Divorce hurts others. It devastates children for at least two years and probably for life. It hurts a family by splitting it in two; both family and friends are compelled to take sides. It forces a person to be hardened against people he or she once loved.
Not everyone will agree with these observations, Medved admits, but from this columnist's perspective they're worth considering. In many instances, it's not too late to save a relationship if you're willing to do the work. As Medved observes, nearly every marriage has something worth preserving, something that can be restored, and revitalizing it can bring triumph and ongoing reward, sparing you and those concerned from the greatest trauma of their lives.
- Dr. Larsen is a therapist practicing in Salt Lake City.