In December, at La Caille at Quail Run, the night glitters with candlelight and Christmas ornaments, silver and polished glass.
A fire burns in the hearth. White linen covers the tables. All is elegance. At precisely 6 p.m., the first guests arrive. They are students from the teen living class at Eisenhower Junior High.The students have spent months preparing for the night's tasks: Coats to be checked. Three forks to be maneuvered. Orders to be placed. Bread to be broken, then buttered.
Pleasantries must be exchanged. Anchovies must either be eaten or plucked neatly from the salad - the word "yuck" is to be avoided. Prime rib must be cut in graceful gliding motions.
Refinement. You can get it young. Or get it later.
"We are teaching the students manners so they can be responsible adults," says their teacher, Chris Moore. "They need to learn to treat others with respect. To learn how to act in the world today." Their waiters graded the students on how well they acted.
Utah schools teach manners now. So do private companies.
"Etiquette training is in demand, no question," says Ann Marie Sabath, founder of a Cincinnati-based manners school called At Ease Inc. "There's more than enough business to go around."
Sabath has 25 trainers around the country. In Utah, she markets programs to Girl Scouts, college students, and, in ever-growing numbers, to businesses.
Grown-ups, she says, are eager students of the social graces.
"We call our corporate program, `Polish that Builds Profits,' " says Sabath. "We teach sales and management teams how to be more effective. Take telephone courtesy. We teach people to ask someone to hold, versus just putting them on hold; to ask them if they have time to talk instead of just jumping in with a conversation.
"We teach them how to establish rapport, how to treat men and women as colleagues, how to deal with business greetings and introductions.
"When you know the rules, you act more confident. People want to be around you."
Confident kids don't take drugs, Sabath says. Confident college students make a better impression in job interviews.
Confidence is something Chris Lee was seeking to build in her children, when she helped bring a national program, Jon D. Williams Cotillion, to Salt Lake City.
Six times a year, Williams and his wife come to Utah to host dancing and deportment classes and parties where children practice what they've learned. Children in grades three through eight are invited to join, at a cost of $150 a year. Girls must wear party dresses and white gloves. Boys must wear suits, ties and dress shoes.
Lee says she was born in Oklahoma where social skills were very important. The old traditions serve modern children very well, she believes. "Families seem to move so much. When you are thrown into a new situation it's nice to know what's expected of you."
At last year's Christmas party, Williams gave reminders before the dancing began. "Now gentlemen, be sure you areseated straight in your chairs," he said. "Ladies, let's try not to lose any shoes tonight.
"Don't forget, firm handshakes.
And between numbers he offered tips."Ladies, take a step forward. Smile and look sincere."
"Gentlemen, don't forget to escort your partner back to her chair. Ladies don't forget to thank your partner."
"When you bow, bow from the waist. A curtsey is a slight step to the right. Bend your knee. We had one of our students meet the Queen of England last year."
A curtsey? How important will that be to girls in later life? Isn't that perpetuating sexual stereotypes of women as the weaker sex?
Not so, he says. "We really promote equal opportunity. Not only do the boys take partners for a dance, the girls take partners just as often. We tell them, "It's an equal opportunity world, ladies. You can ask a man to dance.
"We are basically training students to respect other people. We say, `Use your best judgment. Boys, there will be women who don't want you to help them on with their coats. Girls, you should open doors for other people and help people on with coats.'
"We specify that bowing and curtsying could be embarrassing. So use your judgment as to when to do it. We live in modern times. But some older people might like to be acknowledged that way," Williams says.
"The most important thing we try to teach is presentation, confidence and communication."
Many of the people she meets in the business world, says Sabath, are trying to modify the social skills of their youth. They may have been taught that women don't stand for men. That men pick up the check for lunch.
Today, says Sabbath, they ask questions like these: Should a woman stand when a male client enters her office? Who should pay for a business luncheon? How does a woman get the check when she is taking men to lunch?
The answers (yes; whoever suggests the luncheon; and tell the server you'd like your guests to order first) show some rules have changed.
Meanwhile the girls and boys of Eisenhower Junior High are learning traditional rules. Like Williams, Moore says it's not so much the specifics but the idea of respect and courtesy she's trying to foster.
They welcomed everything Moore taught them, says LaMar Reed. "I didn't know what silverware to use. I didn't know how to escort a lady and take off her coat. I didn't know how to order for anyone else. And now I know."
Counting the limousine ride and dinner, students spent about $35 on their special evening. It was money they earned themselves. And money well-spent, according to student Taneel Pace.
"It made me feel older. It was excellent. There is life outside of school, that's what Miss Moore is trying to put across."
Pace's mother says Taneel uses better manners around the house. "She doesn't put her leg up on the chair when she eats, since she was in the class."
Eventually ninth-grader Melinda Herrera may question some of what happened at La Caille. She may wonder why the boys at her table jumped to attention when she stood up - while the other girls stayed seated. She may, when she's a grown woman, prefer to pull out her own chair and order her own meal.
Right now, however, Herrera's view of etiquette is uncomplicated. She studies manners, she says, because "knowing these things might give me more success on a date."
An etiquette quiz for teens
From the Baron/Scott board game, "Mind Your Manners."
1. You're at a school dance after a football game. Should you feel obliged to dance with everyone who asks you?
A. Only if you're not very popular. It beats standing alone.
B. No. Only dance with the jocks.
C. If you say no to someone who asks you to dance, you should not accept any other invitations.
2. You are at the movies and the people behind you are talking loudly. What should you do?
A. Say, "Shut up, loudmouth."
B. Move to another seat.
C. Say, "I'm sorry, but I can't hear anything while you're talking."
3. You are at an opera and you are bored to death. You should:
A. Sleep, as long as you don't snore.
B. Try to make the best of it.
C. Go out and sit in the lobby.
4. Should girls shake hands when being introduced?
A. Yes.
B. Only when being introduced to an older person.
C. Only if the girl is older than 14.
5. When is the term "How do you do?" appropriate?
A. When it's Howdy Doody time.
B. In a formal situation.
C. Anytime you're meeting someone.
6. Is a curtsy ever proper?
A. It is appropriate for little girls when meeting an important person.
B. No. This is the 20th century.
C. Only if you are a Southern belle.
7. You are still eating your salad when your hamburger arrives. On which side of the main course plate should your salad plate be placed?
A. To the left of the plate.
B. At the top of the plate.
C. To the right of the plate.
8. Your grandmother is taking you to the country club for lunch. If you are a boy, should you hold the chair for her?
A. Yes. Boys should hold chairs for women, especially at nice restaurants.
B. No. Only men should hold chairs for women.
C. No. Grandmothers are capable of seating themselves.
Answers:
1-C, 2-C, 3-B, 4-A, 5-B, 6-A, 7-A, 8-A.