On the days when the sun shines, the meetings all get started on time, the traffic is not bumper to bumper, the kids are polite and cooperative, and the roast beef is cooked just right, Darlene begins to feel distinctly uncomfortable.
She's a person with an especially large bag of generalized or "free-floating" anger. The tension of that anger is always with her and it builds to unbearable proportions if she doesn't regularly unload it. So if in the course of a normal day she can't find some "valid" excuse for venting her feelings, she has to manufacture one.Adelaide Bry - author of an article called "What's Your Anger Style?" - terms Darlene an Instigator - a person who's spoiling for a fight. She uses Maddy as another example of someone who's ripe for a confrontation. Many times Maddy's anticipation of someone else's negative response is what "primes" her anger, says Bry. When she and her husband were considering various plans for the coming summer, there were three or four places Maddy really wanted to go. "Though I wasn't at all sure that Tom would veto any of them," she says, "I got myself into a real state imagining that he might. By the time we actually sat down to talk, I was sure he'd reject my ideas, and I was spitting mad. I said I wanted to go to Portugal in this nasty, hostile tone of voice, and, of course, he reacted badly, and we got into a fight, just as I knew we would. I guess I wanted that fight."
"Trigger-happy" anger most often doesn't work to anyone's advantage. Instead, it usually stirs up anger in other people and drives wedges in relationships. If you're a person who gets too mad too often - and wants to do something about it - here are strategies that may help:
- Think back to the last time you were an Instigator, encourages Bry. "On paper or in your mind, try to reconstruct the incident step by step. How did you manipulate the circumstances so that you could vent your feelings? At what point did you realize you were angry? What came first, the anger or the situation? What did you gain by creating anger? What did you lose? Can you think of other ways of managing the same situation?"
- If you have a stress-conductor in your life such as a spouse or child who attracts and absorbs your stress when you're angry, make a conscious effort to stop unloading on that person. That means that you'll also need to make a conscious effort to decide where to vent the tension you accumulate throughout the day, say, perhaps through regular exercise. Deep breathing, meditation, jogging or even counting to a hundred can help in specific instances to relax muscles and resolve the physical component of anger.
- When you experience anger or tenseness, delay any response. Take time out to get calm, clear, centered and relaxed. If you're lathering up in the middle of a conversation, simply listen and then disengage by saying, "I need a little time to sort my thoughts out. I'll get back to you shortly to talk about this."
- Decide at whom or what you're angry. It may be something specific that's resting below the surface. If need be, talk to a friend to see whether any subjects set you off. The point of such self-scrutiny is not to work yourself into a froth but rather to unlock feelings that you do have, whether you like them or not. Get them out into the open and then decide what to do about them.
- Beware of blasting off. Acknowledging your own angry feelings does not mean pouring out your wrath at other people. Ventilating your rage freely and frequently simply results in your feeling even more angry and hostile and in your rehearsing your anger rather than moving on to a constructive solution.
- Decide whether to act on your angry feelings. Before speaking out, ask yourself the following questions: "What is it about the situation that makes me angry?" "What do I think and feel?" "What do I want to accomplish?" "Is the degree of my anger warranted?" "Am I poised to use this incident to dump anger that simply doesn't belong?"
Andrea Thompson, author of an article called "How (And When) to Be Angry," comments about the decision to act: "There is always a choice, and it has a lot to do with personality and experience and circumstance. In some situations, keeping your own counsel is the path of wisdom or the mark of civilized behavior.
"It is probably not in your best interests to lash out in a vituperative burst at your boss or at a suspicious-looking stranger on the street whose loud radio playing infuriates you. And telling an aged aunt that the way she repeats her stories drives you up the wall is only cruel. But choosing to hold your peace in such situations is a far cry from stifling anger. Knowing whom we're angry at, and why, then choosing not to act angry can help the anger fade."
If you do decide to act, do it without insulting, blaming or attacking another person. In any specific situation, ask clearly for what you need and want. If you can do this in a manner that respects the right of other people to feel differently than you do, and that invites, rather than demands changes from them, you'll be using your anger in the service of your own dignity.