DEAR MISS MANNERS
When friends visit your home for the first time, is it impolite not to show them through your home? I was brought up believing it was almost impolite to do so.GENTLE READER - Far from being a required part of hospitality, house tours, while not actually forbidden, must be accompanied by an excellent excuse from the host and a whole chorus of requests and protests from the guests.
Miss Manners understands perfectly well what you mean by an offer being "almost impolite." A house tour is an invitation to admire a whole range of possessions that may not interest or amuse the tourists, and it is therefore presumptuous of the host to offer one. Yet requesting one seems to demand that people who have extended hospitality in their communal rooms also present their private rooms for inspection.
But suppose you have a host who would love showing off, and a guest dying of curiosity? How can they manage to get together?
The host can initiate the idea by saying that he or she has just finished moving in or redecorating, or mentions some point of historic or other interest in the house, or offer to show an object located elsewhere in the house that has come up in the conversation.
A guest can only bring the subject up by discussing how interesting the house is and saying brightly, "I'd love to see it some time, if you don't mind," the "some time" allowing the host to smile blandly and agree to that indefinite future, or to jump up and begin at once.
If there is such a tour, however, guests must remember to pronounce everything charming. The tediousness of this for either or both parties, if there is no genuine interest, explains why the tour must be deliberately and mutually negotiated.
DEAR MISS MANNERS - Over the past year my family and I have attended a few weddings, and we hope you can tell us what is the proper etiquette when there are plenty of leftovers from the sweet table at a reception.
I say you should eat what you want and take home any leftovers, knowing that it would be a waste of food if it was not eaten. My family says you should eat what you want and leave the leftovers alone, or take home any leftover pastries only if they are served at each table and the bride and groom don't mind if you take them.
GENTLE READER - What did you have in mind here? Tapping the bridal couple on the shoulders during their last dance and asking them if you could run off with their food?
Miss Manners gathers that your plans involve more than taking home two bites of wedding cake to put under your pillow so that you can dream of your future spouse. Is going off with two or three layers of uneaten cake more like what you were considering?
It is kind of you to worry about food waste, but that happens to be the problem of the hosts. Perhaps they have plans for it. Perhaps, unless you plan to outlast them, not everyone will be finished eating by the time you decide that there is enough to sustain you later.
Miss Manners has defended the practice of the so-called doggie bag at restaurants, but the case is different; there the diner has purchased the food. Guests are offered refreshment at an event, not a share of the investment for future use.
Feeling incorrect? Address your etiquette questions (in black or blue-black ink on white writing paper) to Miss Manners, in care of the Deseret News, P.O. Box 1257, Salt Lake City, UT 84110. The quill shortage prevents Miss Manners from answering questions except through this column.