There are times in a relationship when verbal communication just doesn't seem to work. Even with the best of intentions, talking turns to fighting and neither party remembers to communicate in a way that works for the other person.
There is an alternative, says John Gray in his book "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus." You can write your feelings in the form of a love letter."Writing letters allows you to listen to your own feelings without worrying about hurting your partner. By freely expressing and listening to your own feelings, you automatically become more centered and loving," he says. Plus, writing out your negative feelings is a potent way to become aware of how unloving you may sound.
Writing a letter releases your pent-up emotions, thus making room for positive feelings to emerge again. After becoming more centered, you can then approach your partner in ways that are less judgmental and blaming. As a result, your chances of being understood and accepted are much greater. And there is a bonus. After writing your letter you may no longer feel a need to talk or even to share your letter with your spouse.
So how do you write a love letter when you're spitting mad? Disappointed? Or frustrated? This is where Gray's Love Letter Technique comes into play. First, you do get to express all those ugly old feelings you have, which sounds fair. But when you get to bedrock, where your more loving feelings are, you also get to express them. That's fair, too! Here, then, are guidelines for writing a basic love letter:
1. Address the letter to your partner. Pretend that he or she is listening to you with love and understanding.
2. Start with anger, then sadness, then fear, then regret and then love. Include all five sections in each letter.
3. Write a few sentences about each feeling; keep each section approximately the same length. Speak in simple terms.
4. After each section, pause and notice the next feeling coming up. Write about that feeling.
5. Do not stop your letter until you get to the love. Be patient and wait for the love to come out.
6. Sign your name at the end. Take a few moments to think about what you need or want. Write it in a P.S.
Gray demonstrates with a Love Letter written by Michael to Vanessa after the two had argued:
Dear Vanessa,
1. Anger: I am angry that you get so emotional. I am angry that you keep misunderstanding me. I am angry that you can't stay calm when we talk.
I am angry that you are so sensitive and easily hurt. I am angry that you mistrust and reject me.
2. Sadness. I am sad that we are arguing. It hurts to feel your doubts and mistrust. It hurts to lose your love. I am sad that we fought. I am sad that we disagree.
3. Fear: I am afraid of making a mistake. I am afraid I can't do what I want to do without upsetting you. I am afraid to share my feelings. I am afraid you will take me wrong. I am afraid of looking incompetent. I am afraid you do not appreciate me. I am afraid to talk with you when you are so upset. I don't know what to say.
4. Regret: I am sorry I hurt you. I am sorry I don't agree with you. I am sorry that I became so cold. I am sorry that I am so resistant to your ideas. I am sorry that I am in such a hurry to do what I want. I am sorry that I hurt your feelings. You do not deserve to be treated that way. I am sorry that I judged you.
5. Love. I love you and I want to work this out. I think I could listen to your feelings now. I want to support you. I understand I hurt your feelings. I am sorry I was so invalidating of your feelings. I really love you so much. I need to be me and I support you in being you. This time when we talk, I will be more patient and understanding. You deserve that.
I love you,
- Michael
P.S. The response I would like to hear: "I love you, Michael, I really appreciate what a caring and understanding man you are. I trust we can work this out."
When in a glitch, write and share love letters with each other, but be flexible, Gray urges. In a time crunch simply write a mini love letter or just carry on an inner dialogue with yourself, following the steps and expressing what you feel, think and want - without editing yourself in any way. Expressing your feelings in any way brings back the loving feelings.
And, says Gray, "When you take the time to listen to your feelings, you are in effect saying to the little feeling person inside, `You matter. You deserve to be heard and I care enough to listen.' "
Dr. Larsen is a therapist practicing in Salt Lake City.
John Gray is presenting a seminar for singles and couples on the topic "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus," on Dec. 4 and 5 in Salt Lake City. Call 1-800-821-3033 for information.