Divorced women are easier to develop a relationship with than single women are, a friend told me over dinner the other night.
Although he has never been married himself, he finds it easier to get close to a divorced woman than a single woman even if she has several children and life experiences that differ from his.There are simply fewer walls, he said. And fewer criteria he must meet. Divorced women are more realistic about what they want a man to be and what they expect from him in a relationship.
His attitude surprised me. Given the human inclination to take the road of least responsibility, I assumed men would prefer a single woman and her cat to a divorced woman and the possible entourage of children, an ex-husband and the cat.
I was wrong.
Children are certainly a complication, men acknowledged. Particularly to a man who has none of his own. But that complication is offset by the ease of drawing emotionally close to a previously married woman.
Their reasons varied, but each of the several men I talked to said they found it easier to develop a relationship with a divorced woman than one who hasn't married.
Divorced women are simply more flexible than single women, they said.
One lawyer, 43, dates mostly never-married women, he said. But two of his three serious relationships in recent years have been with divorced women.
"The women I've dated who have never married are in their mid-to-late 30s, for the most part," he explained. "By the time you are that age, you are set in your ways. That is a trite phrase. But they really have developed a rigid lifestyle. These women are used to doing things the way they want to do them.
"But someone who has been married didn't invest all those years developing her own lifestyle. She has had to make compromises and deal with the eccentricities of another person.
"But as time goes on, it becomes more and more difficult for a never-married to fit somebody into the structure of her life."
Another attorney, in his mid-40s, agreed.
Both men are seriously involved with divorced women after dating several never-married women.
However, each man said that divorced women can be more difficult to get to know initially.
"It might be easier to meet someone and date someone who has never been married," the second attorney said. "Single women aren't as cautious or hard to get to know initially. They are more into a dating mode, perhaps. But once you get past the initial stage and a divorced woman's initial cautiousness, it is easier to develop it with someone who has been married."
Having been previously married himself, he found that divorced women understood him better. "A real big item you have in common is the agony of divorce and being able to relate and support each other that way. If someone hasn't been through a marriage and divorce, it is hard for that person to really understand on the same level as one who has been through it."
Another man, a lobbyist, said relationships with previously married women are more to the point. They know what they are looking for, he said. So they realize quickly when they haven't found it and move on. When they do want to keep a relationship, they are more adept at drawing close to a man.
This man is quitting his Washington, D.C., job later this month to move to Utah and marry his fiance - a divorced woman with two children.
"Women who have been married before are just more experienced with emotional closeness. They know the ups and downs of relationships. They know what works and what doesn't," he said.
So doesn't dating the scores of men single women go through over the years give them the same experience? (Please, those Friday nights have to count for something.)
Apparently not, according to statistics. Women who have been married before are statistically more likely to marry again than women who have never married.
All this would explain the experience of one colleague's sister. The sister didn't date much before her marriage, the colleague said. "But now that she's divorced with one child, she's never dated so much. The florist shop across the street told her if she moved, they'd go out of business."- The Deseret News welcomes comments from readers on this topic or others pertinent to the Single-minded column. Please address letters to Single-minded, c/o Marianne Funk, Deseret News, P.O. Box 1257, Salt Lake City, UT 84110; or contact her or the writer of the column at 237-2100.