Fathers who devote more time and attention to their families will not only help their children, but their own personal growth as well, says a Brigham Young University researcher.
Alan Hawkins of the College of Family, Home and Social Sciences advocates "kicking men home for awhile."I am concerned about messages that dictate family as a feminine construct," he said. "The widespread notion that the family is central to women but peripheral to father is absolutely the wrong notion."
Although articles are prevalent about a how a father's involvement or lack of involvement affects children, Hawkins is equally concerned with what being committed or not committed to a family does for adults.
From his perspective, the issue becomes a matter of personal growth.
"If a father leaves, is distant or absent much of the time, his development gets shortchanged," Hawkins said. "Although it sounds a bit stereotypical, children force parents to grow up and learn to moderate their own egocentrism.
"Most wives experience profound development with marriage, children and their decisions toward work, career and/or community work. Active motherhood can make a parent more functional."
However, economic pressures that arrive with children tend to send the father out of the house.
"Structural forces move men away from the hearth, because in our society most men define themselves by their work, not by their nurturing skills. The exceptions are cases where the father must work hard to sustain the family economically. In such families, usually blue collar, there is a sense of sacrifice and missed families.
"Yet for most men, whether they decide to enmesh themselves in fatherhood is usually a voluntary way of living; with women, this development is routinely forced on them."
Other social forces that may leave fathers out of parenting are divorce, non-marital child rearing with uninvolved fathers and fathers who leave home and develop a sense of disconnection with their children.
Hawkins said a model family would have an equitable arrangement where men have daily family interaction.
"This means tending the children, cleaning the toilets and cooking the meals. It is not so much a matter of talking about what is unfair. It comes down to the idea of what a family is all about. It is not all about Mom doing all the work at home. It communicates how important and committed each spouse is to the family."
Hawkins' academic research is reinforced by his own experience. He underwent a complete role reversal for 21/2 years with his wife who had a hard-earned law degree in hand and was anxious to see if she could be a good attorney.
"Being at home full-time gave me an insight into women's lives that I think would have been impossible almost any other way," he said.
He quickly discovered new things about himself. He said he once considered himself to be the most patient person in the world, but with two young children, he found it disconcerting to see how quickly he could become impatient and lose control.
"You learn to move your own agendas to the back burner and focus your energy and thoughts on helping others. I gained new understanding about the value of nurturing and connecting with children."
He said he no longer can accomplish much of his academic work at home because his eyes have been opened and there's too much domestic work to be done. Within five seconds he can assess whether the children need attention, if a floor needs to be scrubbed or anything else needs to be done - and he usually tries to do them.
"It becomes frustrating for women to always have to ask their mates for help or to deal with spouses who don't sense what needs to be done at home."