You probably suspected it all along, but now the truth is out - men and women are from different planets.
And just who is spreading the news? John Gray, the author of "Men Are From Mars, Women are From Venus." Reports Gray: "Not only do men and women communicate differently but they think, feel, perceive, react, respond, love, need and appreciate differently. They almost seem to be different planets, speaking different languages and needing different nourishment."Gray's thrust is to resolve much of the frustration in dealing with the opposite sex. Once you remember that your partner is as different from you as someone from another planet, it's much easier to accept the differences.
Imagine, then, that men are from Mars and women are from Venus. We'll skip Gray's sort of unbelievable story about how the Martians and Venusians happened to find themselves together on Earth and get to the core issue: In what ways are these interplanetary beings so very different?
First, the Martians. A Martian's sense of self is defined through his ability to achieve results, says Gray. A Martian values power, competency, efficiency and achievements, and everything on Mars is a reflection of these values.
Martians are more interested in `objects' and `things' than people and feelings. Even today on Earth, while women fantasize about romance, men fantasize about powerful cars, faster computers, gadgets, gizmos and powerful technology. Men are preoccupied with `things' that can help them create results and achieve their goals.
"Achieving goals is very important to a Martian because it is a way for him to prove his competence and thus feel good about himself. And for him to feel good about himself he must achieve these goals by himself. Someone else can't achieve them for him. Martians pride themselves in doing things all by themselves. Autonomy is a symbol of efficiency, power, and competence."
Therefore, and this is important, Martians do not like being corrected or being told what to do. To offer a Martian unsolicited advice "is to presume that he doesn't know what to do or that he can't do it on his own." Martians "are very touchy about this, because the issue of competence is so very important to them."
Well, guess who likes to give Martians unsolicited advice? That's right. The Venusians!
To understand this quirk, you have to understand Venusians, Gray reports. Venusians "value love, communication, beauty and relationships. They spend a lot of time supporting, helping and nurturing one another."
Unlike the Martians, whose sense of self is defined through achievement of results, the Venusians' sense of self is defined through their feelings and the quality of their relationships. They experience fulfillment through sharing and relating."
"Everything on Venus reflects these values," notes Gray.
"Rather than building highways and tall buildings, the Venusians are more concerned with living together in harmony, community and loving cooperation. Relationships are more important than work and technology. In most ways their world is opposite of Mars."
And, get this: On Venus, "everyone studies psycholgoy and has at least a master's degree in counseling." Venusians are very intuitive and on their planet "a sign of great love is to offer help and assistance to another Venusian without being asked." Thus, offering help is not offensive, and needing help is not a sign of weakness. As a result, Venusians have no conception that offering advice may offend Martians. While an offer of help to a Venusian can make her feel loved and cherished, a similar offer to a Martian can make him feel incompetent, weak, and even unloved.
Now the plot thickens. Since, on Venus, it is a sign of caring to give advice, the Venusians believe that when something is working it can always work better. Their nature is to want to improve things (which is, from their point of view, an act of love). And guess who they are willing to improve. Yup. The Martians.
To this end, Venusians become Home Improvement Committees.
Martians, on the other hand, are more solution oriented. "If something is working, their motto is don't change it. Their instinct is to leave it alone if it is working. `Don't fix it unless it is broken' is a common expression."
So, says Gray, "When a woman tries to improve a man, he feels she is trying to fix him. He receives the message that he is broken. She doesn't realize her caring attempts to help him may humuliate him. She mistakenly thinks she is just helping him grow."
The picture becomes even more complicated as Martians and Venusians try to communicate. When a Venusian has feelings, a Martian puts on his "Mr. Fix-It" hat and immediately offer some "jewels of advice." His way of showing love is to try to help. By using his abilities to solve a Venusian's problem, a Martian feels he can be valued and thus worthy of her love.
The Venusian, of course, just wants to receive the kind of caring, listening, and emotional nurturing she is used to getting from fellow Venusians. The Martian is now in trouble, says Gray: "He has no idea that by just listening with empathy and interest he can be supportive. He does not know that on Venus talking about problems is not an invitation to offer a solution." And, because the Venusian continues to be upset and rejects his solution, the Martian feels useless and finds it increasingly difficult to listen.
This expose of the stark differences between Martians and Venusian but scratches the surface of what there is to learn. If you want the rest of the scoop, you'll have to consult the manual, which includes, incidentally, a Martian/Venusian Phrase Dictionary to aid in translating commonly misunderstood interplanetary expressions.
A study of the alien beings you relate to everyday may improve your relationships - and it may help to explain those almost incomprehensible behaviors of the Martian or Venusian in your life!
Dr. Larsen is a therapist practicing in Salt Lake City.