Have you ever noticed how some really bad movies try in subtle ways to warn moviegoers of their badness? These are the hidden Movie Clues, little hints that try to reach the average moviegoer's subconscious, often appearing in the form of titles, name brands, even advertising.
After all, profit-conscious movie studios aren't going to warn us. You won't find any warning labels preceding the film: Advisory: No one with an iota of taste or intelligence will find anything redeeming in this piece of celluloid dreck.So, it's up to the movies themselves to warn us. And if you know how to look for the hidden Movie Clues, you'll see that they are trying to tell the buyer, or renter, to beware.
For example:
- Exclamation points. With the exception of the Zucker-Abrahams-Zucker trio - the guys who turn out those "Airplane!" and "Police Squad!" and "Hot Shots!" movies - very few films with exclamation points in the titles are worth your entertainment dollar.
The most recent examples were "Folks!" and "Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot," two alleged comedies with big stars - Tom Selleck and Sylvester Stallone, respectively - but no laughs.
The exclamation point in those titles was obviously a Movie Clue, a warning to those who might actually contemplate seeing such movies when they could spend their time more wisely in some other way. Like waiting for a broken crosswalk light to change.
- Stephen King. The author of millions of best-selling horror novels has his name attached to many a bow-wow horror movie - so many, in fact, that his very name should act as a warning to those tempted to indulge.
Actually, his fan club is so large that Kingphiles make a hit of any movie that carries his name . . . in the first couple of weeks, anyway.
But the movies are often so terrible, this year's exhibits being "Sleepwalkers" and "The Lawnmower Man" (so far), that even King becomes embarrassed.
He recently sued to have his name taken off the latter film.
And he won.
- Alan Smithee (aka Allen Smithee). This man's name is on quite a few films as director and some as producer, but the guy actually doesn't exist. Smithee is a pseudonym attached by the motion picture industry to movies that are so bad the real directors don't want to admit to them.
The Smithee filmography includes the 1968 made-in-Utah romantic drama "Fade-In," which stars Burt Reynolds, and the re-edited commercial television version of "Dune," though David Lynch's name is still on the original theatrical version.
More recently, "Stitches" (starring Parker Stevenson and Eddie Albert), "Let's Get Harry" (Mark Harmon, Robert Duvall), "Ghost Fever" (Sherman Hemsley) and "Morgan Stewart's Coming Home" (John Cryer, Lynn Redgrave) have used the fake name in its director credit.
- More than three screenwriters. Many fine movies have had a number of writers help shape the script, one of the most notorious being "Tootsie," which may have had as many as 10 as it went through multiple rewrites. But "Tootsie" lists only three writers in the film's opening credits.
More often, however, when you see three or four or five or more names listed in the credits, look out.
Recent examples: "Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot" lists three writers, "Alien3" names four and there are no less than seven - count 'em, seven - credited for "Once Upon a Crime" (an ensemble comedy with John Candy, James Belushi, Cybill Shepherd, etc., which played earlier this year).
- Quotes in newspaper ads from sources no one never heard of. We've all seen them, those quotes in huge type that say how sensational a movie is, then offer a source in tiny type. The most coveted source, of course, is Siskel & Ebert . . . or Siskel or Ebert.
But when a movie receives no rave reviews from the top-of-the-line national critics, this is the kind of thing you see:
Wonderful. Dazzling. Enchanting family entertainment. - Academy of Family Films. ("Mom and Dad Save the World")
A moving and top-notch thriller! - Neil Rosen, WNCN Radio, New York. ("A Stranger Among Us")
The most exciting suspense thriller since "Fatal Attraction." - James Grant, Scene at the Movies. ("Unlawful Entry")
And once in awhile, there's the double-entry ploy - one critic's review quoted twice in one ad. That way it looks like two different reviews.
For example, in some ads for "Prelude to a Kiss," the huge quote across the top of the ad is "This summer's best film." - Marshall Fine, Gannett Newspapers. Then, lower in the ad, after two other quotes, "Warm, romantic, funny and irresistibly moving." - Marshall Fine, Gannett Newspapers.
Another variation, used for "Problem Child 2" last year and "Madhouse" in 1990, is to use phony quotes with comic sources. The idea is to make the ad's rave reviews look so real that no one will notice; the moviegoer will just think there are a bunch of plaudits for that movie.
- No reviews in advance of the film's opening. When a movie is not screened for critics, there's usually a reason. If the studio has any confidence at all in a picture, it is more than accommodating with advance screenings.
As always, your suggestions are welcome. If you've noticed Movie Clues that you'd like to share, drop me a line: Chris Hicks, Deseret News, P.O. Box 1257, Salt Lake City, UT 84110.