Much to our chagrin, most of us have fallen for the myth of romantic love sometime in our lives. Scott Peck, in "The Road Less Traveled," refers to this commonly held illusion, which has its origins in our favorite childhood fairy tales, wherein the prince and princess, once united, live happily forever after.
In effect, says Peck, "the myth of romantic love tells us, that for every young man in the world there is a young woman who was `meant for him,' and vice versa."Moreover, the myth implies that there is only one man meant for a woman and only one woman for a man and this has been predetermined `in the stars.' When we meet the person for whom we are intended, recognition comes through the fact that we fall in love. We have met the person for whom all the heavens intended us, and since the match is perfect, we will then be able to satisfy all of each other's needs, forever and ever, and therefore live happily forever after in perfect union and harmony."
In a state of "romantic love," lovers produce an idealized image of the other that highlights the desirable features and shades the undesirable ones, adds Aaron T. Beck, in "Love Is Never Enough:" "This perspective becomes `closed,' so that not a single unpleasant element can enter the picture." Even when people in the throes of infatuation "sometimes realize that they have excessively idealized the object of their affection, that the passionate attachment is inappropriate, and that the long-range consequences could be disastrous . . . they find it difficult to attach much significance to this knowledge. Realistic considerations cannot penetrate the capsule of their infatuation."
The illusion of the relationship's perfection is fueled by the physical and emotional experiences that couples have in those first idyllic days, reports Harvelle Hendrix, author of "Getting the Love you Want." Describing their experiences to Hendrix, couples spoke of a "world transformed:" "People seemed friendlier, colors were brighter, food tasted better - everything around them shimmered with a pristine newness, just as it did when they were young.
"But the biggest change was in the way they felt about themselves. Suddenly they had more energy and a healthier outlook on life. They felt wittier, more playful, more optimistic. When they looked in the mirror, they had a new fondness for the face that looked back at them - maybe they were worthy of their lover's affection, after all."
So what causes the rush of good feeling that we call romantic love? For one reason, there are actual physical changes in the chemistry of the brain, Hen-drix observes: "Psychopharmacologists have learned that lovers are literally high on drugs - natural hormones and chemicals that flood their bodies with a sense of well being. During the attraction phase of a relationship, the brain releases dopamine and norepinephrine, two of the body's many neurotransmitters. These neurotransmitters help contribute to a rosy outlook on life, a rapid pulse, increased energy, and a sense of heightened perception.
"During this phase, " he continues, "when lovers want to be together every moment of the day, the brain increases its production of endorphins and enkephalins, natural narcotics, enhancing a person's sense of security and comfort." Even "the mystical ex-per-ience of oneness that lovers undergo may be caused by an increase in the production of the neurotransmitter serotonin." Thus, at one level, romantic love is an intense physical experience with measurable biological components.
If that isn't a bit disconcerting, there are also somewhat mortifying psychological reasons why couples fall so far into the chasm of "eternal romantic love." One is that they believe that their romantic love is actually going to heal them and make them whole. Says Hendrix: "Companionship alone is a soothing balm. Because couples are spending so much time together, they no longer feel lonely or isolated." There is an end to a relentless search for completion. They are fulfilled. They have found a perfect soulmate - someone exactly like themselves. Their troubles are over.
Couples "in love" often become so involved with each other that they can't imagine a separate existence. In some respects, Peck observes, "falling in love" represents an act of regression, a partial and temporary collapse of one's ego boundaries: "The experience of merging with the loved one has in it echoes from the time when we were merged with our mothers in infancy. Along with the merging we also re-experience the sense of omnipotence which we had to give up in our journey out of childhood. All things seem possible! United with our beloved we feel we can conquer all obstacles.
"We believe that the strength of our love will cause the forces of opposition to bow down in submission and melt away into the darkness," he continues. "All problems will be overcome. The future will be all light. The reality of these feelings when we have fallen in love is essentially the same as the unreality of the 2-year-old who feels itself to be king of the family and the world with power unlimited."
The fall back into reality is a hard one. Stresses Peck: "Just as reality intrudes upon the 2-year-old's fantasy of omnipotence so does reality intrude upon the fantastic unity of the couple who have fallen in love.
Sooner or later, in response to the problems of daily living, individual will asserts itself. He wants to have sex; she doesn't. She wants to go the movies; he doesn't.
He wants to put money in the bank; she wants a dishwasher.
She wants to talk about her job; he wants to talk about his.
She doesn't like his friends; he doesn't like hers.
"So both of them, in the privacy of their hearts, begin to come to the sickening realization that they are not one with the beloved, that the beloved has and will continue to have his or her own desires, tastes, prejudices and timing. One by one, gradually or suddenly, the ego boundaries snap back into place; gradually or suddenly, they fall out of love. Once again they are two separate individuals. At this point they begin either to dissolve the ties of their relationship or to initiate the work of real loving."
Couples often abandon the relationship when they "fall out of love," concluding that they have made a dreadful mistake, says Peck. They have misread the stars, they did not hook up with their one and only perfect match.
Now "nothing can be done about the situation but live unhappily ever after or get divorced."
Only if couples realize that "falling out of love" is only a phase in their relationship can they move ahead.
Falling out of love is inevitable, Peck explains: "No matter whom we fall in love with, we sooner or later fall out of love if the relationship continues long enough. This is not to say that we invariably cease loving the person with whom we fell in love. But it is to say that the feeling of ecstatic lovingness that characterizes the experience of falling in love always passes. The honeymoon always ends. The bloom of romance always fades."
"Falling out of love" can mark the beginning of a couple's work on their relationship instead of its end, propelling it into a more advanced stage of development.
Observes Sam Keen, author of "Fire In the Belly:" "If you consider marriage a lifelong romance, you are certain to be disillusioned. The shallowest of complaints is that marriage destroys romance. Of course it does. Marriage is designed to allow two people to fall out of love and into reality.
"In romance, two people plant a seed in a common pot, fertilize it, water it, turn it toward the sun, rejoice when it buds and blossoms. When it flowers they believe it will last forever. But the greater the passion, the more the affair hastens toward its predestined climax. The plant is stifled by its own growth; it becomes rootbound. To continue to flourish it needs more room to grow.
"The time for decision arrives. Does the couple invest in a larger pot and transplant what has begun to flower between them, or do they abandon the plant and begin again? One way leads toward the deepening commitments of marriage, the other toward an addiction to romance that requires the changing of partners whenever passion, excitement, and intensity fade."
Only when we opt for the marriage and "for better or worse" can we hope to find the deep love that was only an illusion in the relationship's be-gin-ning.
Ultimately, says Peck, all couples must learn "that a true acceptance of their own and each other's individuality and separateness is the only foundation upon which a mature marriage can be based and real love can grow."
Jo Ann Larsen is a therapist practicing in Salt Lake City.