Dear Miss Manners: A family comes into a restaurant with two children aged approximately 7 and 9, parents sit down, and children immediately start screaming as loudly as possible and running through the restaurant, playing at chase.
Children come running toward a table where sit two gentlemen, approximately mid-50s. As they race by, one gentleman reaches out, grabs both by collars, and, turning toward the manager (halfway across restaurant behind counter), shouts in booming voice: "Call the police!"Father, hearing kids screaming, stalks over, angry, and orders release of children.
Gentleman: "Your brats are creating a public nuisance and I am going to charge them with same. They will be released when the police get here."
Father: "Let them go or I'll kick the (deleted) out of you!"
Gentleman: "You do that, but notice behind me that cane in the booth? I don't carry that for decoration. You hit me, and my system inside will react. I have no immune system to any sudden blows, infection, anything else. You may win that battle, but within a day at most, what will happen is my system will give up and I'll die - literally." (It turned out later that he has multiple sclerosis.)
Father: "Let them go or else."
Gentleman: "You can do your `or else,' but your kids are in trouble already and you can compound it by interfering further. As it is, you're getting one large lawsuit thrown against you tomorrow for a host of charges based on what these little savages have caused already - emotional distress, haras-sment of citizens, disturbing the peace . . . "
This went on for another 45 minutes before the police arrived, when the gentleman released the kids, and everybody departed. The gentleman returned to tell his friend that he had signed a complaint against the kids for everything he could think of (those above, plus a few others), against the father (for threatening him with assault, attempted murder, etc.), and would file a civil-court lawsuit the next day on similar charges.
It seemed drastic to me, but he was in a talkative mood and I asked why he was doing this. He said he didn't like sharing his mealtime with rude, arrogant and selfish families who did not have a sense of common courtesy toward others.
Did he have any justification for grabbing the children to stop them?
Should he have directed his views discreetly to the parents before taking action?
Should he have called the police before taking action?
Should the restaurant manager have stepped in immediately, instead of simply standing there watching the children?
How should the father have handled the children's running?
Could the father have filed charges against the gentleman for molesting or assaulting his kids?
How would Miss Manners have dealt with the situation effectively?Gentle Reader: By using the one available system no one here seems to have thought of, even though it was piously (and incorrectly) invoked: etiquette.
Common courtesy, indeed! Not only were there no manners displayed here by anyone, but they all seemed to share the belief that the only possible ways of resolving the resulting conflict were violence and the law. The former is worse than rudeness, and the latter a lot more expensive.
Here's what should have happened:
The parents should have warned their children beforehand not to disturb others at the restaurant. If the children did so anyway, they should have asserted their authority to stop them, if necessary by removing them from the premises.
As this was not the case, the manager should have noticed the commotion and politely inquired of the parents what could be done to calm the children and give them, as well as everybody else, a pleasant evening. This quiet and unchallenging approach works better than insulting people about their children, but had it not worked, the manager should have politely requested them to leave, on the grounds that this was not the sort of "family restaurant" (the trade euphemism for "nothing breakable") they apparently wanted.
This manager had failed to take such notice, but the disturbed patron could have politely requested him to do so. This way, he could have completely avoided having any confrontations with the offensive family, let alone ones that gave them as much cause to complain of him as he of them.
Miss Manners realizes that angry people find these civilized methods unsatisfying, but they actually sometimes work - she doesn't claim always - whereas rude challenges never do.Feeling incorrect? Address your etiquette questions (in black or blue-black ink on white writing paper) to Miss Manners, in care of the Deseret News, P.O. Box 1257, Salt Lake City, UT 84110. The quill shortage prevents Miss Manners from answering questions except through this column.
1992, United Feature Syndicate