When I lived in the Midwest, every fall readers would anxiously await the words of a local columnist who would tell them if the woolly bear caterpillar had a narrow band around its middle or a wide one. A narrow one meant we were in for a hard winter. A man who hung out with caterpillars used to watch these things.
Some residents thought the woolly worm theory was just plain silly. They said the only way to tell if the winter was going to be a cold one was to check the dark spots on a goose bone. Still others believed that only the extra-heavy coats on animals such as bears or horses were barometers of weather to come.I thought they were all a bunch of looney tunes. There's no great mystery in predicting what the winter will bring. You can figure it out for yourself. Forget the density of buffalo coats. If you own a winter coat that is ugly, out of style and too short for your dresses, it's going to be a long winter.
If all the great time-sharing ski resorts are taken by May, count on heavy snowfall.
I can tell you right now, this winter is going to be a doozie. How do I know that? Airline prices are going up. They always go through the ceiling when everyone in Buffalo dreams of tunneling to Hawaii. I also watch the price of firewood. When the price of a cord is $3 short of a wedding, count on a season of blizzards.
A few weeks ago a fox fell into our chimney. If that isn't a sign that outdoor animals are coming in from the cold, I don't know what is.
Not only that, when my husband was in the hospital, his car sat idle in the garage for four weeks. When he drove it to the mall the other day, it caught fire from a mound of nuts and nesting material packed under the hood. You don't have to have a tree fall on you to realize this is going to be a big one.
If there are skeptics reading this who don't think anyone is capable of predicting weather, I offer you one last chance to become a believer.
Cut an onion in half on New Year's Eve, and 12 hours later remove 12 half-onion shells and drop a pinch of salt in each one (after you've designated which shell represents each of the 12 months). Now, if the salt becomes moist, then that will be a wet month, and if the salt remains dry, you'll be able to predict a dry month.
Where I live, my neighbors have once again begged me to assure them a mild winter. That is why tomorrow, I'm cleaning out the garage so I can get a car in it. That's a prediction you can put your money on.
1992 Erma Bombeck
Distributed by Universal Press Syndicate