Sexual abuse is also spiritual abuse, says Carol Tuttle. And it's not just spiritual abuse, she says, it's "soul murder."
Tuttle's own soul was assaulted when she was 5, by a perpetrator she is careful to refer to now only in the vaguest terms. " `You did this to me and I'm going to prove it' - that's never been my focus," says the Sandy author.Her goal, instead, is to heal and to teach others to heal. And that can't really happen for victims - especially victims who were raised in strict religious homes - until they heal spiritually with the help of a higher power, she says.
Tuttle's thesis sets her apart from the shelf full of other self-help books for survivors of sexual abuse. Hers is a solution that relies heavily on teachings from the Bible and LDS scriptures, while also acknowledging the benefit of therapy, support groups, inner-child workshops, visualization, breath work and all the other avenues she has explored in the past five years.
"I believe the power of Christ's divine grace can do more for a survivor of incest and child sexual abuse than any other resource available in the recovery experience. I believe that full and complete recovery is impossible without it."
But if her spiritual beliefs eventually helped her heal, she says, her culture also made it difficult.
"I was raised to think that if you're good, life will be good to you." When it didn't turn out that way - when she faithfully read her scriptures, tried to be the perfect wife and mother, and yet still felt suicidal without knowing why - she felt lost and betrayed.
"A residual effect of my abuse was that I conceptualized God as punitive, wrathful and controlling," writes Tuttle in her book "The Path to Wholeness," published this fall by Covenant Communications. "Learning to trust God when I found powerful male figures threatening was difficult."
When memories of her abuse finally returned to her five years ago, she found herself angry at God. But she thinks that was a natural part of the healing process. "It's OK to be angry at God. He's a perfect being and He can take it. It's better than being angry at your 5-year-old."
"I think that's where a lot of people get stuck - that you can't be angry at God," adds Tuttle's husband, Jon. "That's setting God up as an abuser who will hurt you if you're angry at him."
The Tuttles now call themselves "empowerment coaches," working with individuals, couples and organizations to learn "other choices to intercept destructive patterns." Jon Tuttle has an MBA in marketing and business management; Carol has a degree in family sciences.
"I teach them to be consumers of healing," she says about her work with survivors of abuse. "It's like I've test-driven a lot of cars and I know what's available - what self-help groups, what therapists, what newsletters." She is not, she stresses, a therapist herself. "If someone comes to me with severe MPD (multiple personality disorder) or a background of Satanic abuse, I tell them they need to get with someone trained in that."
Tuttle knows that some people can't understand why she would want to dredge up her past and then spend so much time inspecting the sludge. "Forgiving is not forgetting," she says. "It is healing the wounds of your childhood and being able to remember in peace."
And her story is not just about something that happened in the past, she says. "It's happening to a child this minute. That's why I'm willing to stick my neck out. If it helps a mother heal, it will help generations prevent it. That's the dynamics of this. If one person heals, the lives of thousands of people shift."
- THE TUTTLES will present a free seminar, "How to Empower Your Children to Prevent Abuse," Monday, Nov. 29, from 7 to 8:30 p.m. at the South Jordan Library auditorium, 10300 S. Beckstead Lane (roughly 1600 West).