Now I know why pictures of Victorian fathers and mothers always looked so stern and grumpy. They lived in Victorian houses.
Like a black hole sucking in light, a Victorian home exerts it own super-gravity to fill up with bric-a-brac, bibelots, knicknacks, gewgaws and other assorted objets d'art that have both sharp edges and a predisposition to break.The children in our imaginary Victorian portrait are trying to imitate their parents' stone faces, but the barely repressed mirth shows through.
That's because Victorian houses are absolutely great for kids - neat hiding places; plenty of banisters, railings and ledges to climb on; cavernous, spooky basements; and a readily accessible literary oeuvre in the "Addams Family" cartoons, TV show and movie.
The children don't have have to worry about leaking roofs, eccentric heating systems and wiring patterns from outer space. They do not ponder that the reason Victorian families were so large was the beleaguered parents' hope that it increased the odds of the offspring turning out to be plumbers, carpenters and electricians.
The first burst of Victorian architecture came when the middle class was finally flush enough to command its own housing styles. The architects figured that if people wanted to live in a Gothic church, a Marie Antoinette cottage or a Florentine villa, why not let them do so - and all in the same building?
Since then, there have been regular Victorian revivals. We're in the midst of one now, with whole magazines devoted to Victoriana and a thriving industry devoted to replicating Victorian architectural details, including such dubious technological landmarks as the pull-chain toilet.
With a pull-chain toilet, the cistern, encased in mahogany or walnut, was hung high up on the bathroom wall and connected to the actual toilet by a large pipe. When the toilet was flushed, by tugging on a long chain, about four gallons of water, more than 30 pounds' worth, would drop down the pipe from a height of 8 feet or so, resulting in a spectacular explosion of hydrotechnics in the bowl.
Historians note that surges in Victorian architecture tend to coincide with periods of peace. Rarely, they note, do you hear of people in Victorian houses starting wars.
People who start wars tend to live in areas with a preponderance of maintenance-free dwellings. Look at the houses in the background of any footage out of the Balkans or the Mideast and you'll see sturdy houses, with straightforward roofs and simple windows.
But Victorian-dwellers do as the commandments admonish and love and cherish their neighbors, for who else will let in the furnace man while they're at work?