He was frustrated.
He had rubbed the baby's stomach, burped it, held it, fed it - done everything he could, he said. But when the infant wouldn't stop crying, Steven Ray James confessed Monday, he lost his temper and shook his 3-month-old son to death, then tossed the body in the Bear River and concocted a kidnapping story to hide his actions.Nearly seven years after the fact, James, now 41, told a 3rd District Court Monday that he didn't intend to kill the son that he and his wife had tried for months to conceive. But he temporarily lost control when he couldn't quiet the boy."I held him under the arms and shook him like this," James said, forcefully gesturing. "His head was bopping back and forth."
He panicked and put his son back in a carrier, then went to the kitchen and ate some breakfast cereal, he said. When the baby stopped crying minutes later, James checked him and found him dead.
"I shook my son and I realized I shouldn't be doing that," he said. "I didn't have an idea it could (kill him). I just couldn't get him to calm down." James said he attempted to resuscitate the baby by pounding its chest and breathing into its mouth, but to no avail. He said he didn't call 911 because he believed there was nothing that could save the baby at that point.
"I panicked, I didn't know what to do," he said. "He was just sitting there in his chair with bubbles coming out of his nose."
James during a pre-trial conference Monday methodically recounted the events that led to the child's death and his coverup of the incident.
He was initially convicted of murdering the infant following a high-profile jury trial in 1989. The decision was overturned by the Utah Supreme Court two years later, and James was given a new trial date of Aug. 2, 1993, to allow a previously unheard defense witness to testify.
After years of denying any connection to the baby's disappearance, James suddenly confessed in June to defense attorney Barbara Lachmar that he killed the child Aug. 26, 1986.
"I'm tired of living a lie," he said. "I just want this to end, to get over for everybody."
Lachmar said James simply wanted the truth known.
"I didn't have to do much convincing (for James to testify)," Lachmar said. "Steven wanted the truth to be known. I think he realized in the end the truth was the best way out. I think he had trouble accepting his conduct himself."
Attorneys for both the defense and state said they anticipated negotiating a plea bargain with James that would reduce his charge to manslaughter, with a possible perjury charge for his false testimony during the 1989 trial.
James will present a plea Aug. 2, which was the original retrial date. But if he pleads guilty to the lesser charges, the case will likely be resolved with no need for a retrial, officials said.
James denied that he killed the baby out of jealousy of his wife's attention to the child. He also denied that he killed the boy because of a financial bind caused by the baby's birth. He portrayed the death as an accident and said he fled with the body in fear of the reaction from his wife, Victoria, and his parents.
"I didn't want them to know what happened," he said. "I came up with the idea to say he was kidnapped. I thought Victoria would take it better . . . I thought it would be more believable."
James said he drove off with the body in the front seat, looking for a place to dump it. He bought gas at a convenience store and wandered around inside the Valley Discount store to establish an alibi, he said. He then drove to a marina on the Bear River and placed the baby's body face-down on a blanket weighted with rocks. When he couldn't tie the blanket around the body, he pulled a tarp from the car's back seat and electrical cord from the trunk and bundled it tightly around his son.
James said he waded into the water, swung the baby's body around his head and threw it into the water, then drove home and hid his wet pants in the rafters of his garage.
"I didn't know what to do," he said. "I wasn't thinking." He said he went to the water because he didn't have a shovel to dig a grave.
James said after he returned home, he showered and drove to a nearby drugstore, where he eventually called police and claimed his child was kidnapped.
As the investigation progressed and public concern grew, James said he continued to embellish his story.
"It just got out of hand," he said. "It just became a big farce."
Lachmar said that James's cool demeanor Monday didn't reflect the pain he had experienced this weekend, when faced with telling his family the truth. "If you've ever told a little white lie, you know it can get out of control," she said.
The man said he cared for his son and wife and had no reason to kill the baby. With his confession, he said he just wanted to set the record straight.
"I loved my son," he said. "I couldn't change that he was dead. I figured if I thought it was terrible, I didn't know how anyone else could understand."