This is the time moviegoers have breathlessly awaited - the opening of the film "Junior," starring Arnold Schwarzenegger as a pregnant man.
Amazingly, it's a comedy.The concept of a man having a baby isn't new. Every couple of years someone plays around with the idea. Arnold, walking around with a 9-pound silicone stomach, wearing a dress and smoking a cigar, is no exception.
This is not meant to be a sexist comment, but motherhood is something women expect, adjust to, and have been doing since labor pains were invented. To many men, it is something so bizarre they would delegate the job to their secretary and have FTD send her a bouquet of flowers for her trouble.
I'm not saying attitudes couldn't change with a few male pregnancies, but at this moment in time, men are too practical to carry a child. They would schedule an appointment with their gynecologist and, when informed of their condition, would look at their watches and ask, "Is this going to take long?" When told it would take nine months, give or take a few weeks, they'd say: "You're joking! That is not fiscally feasible. We're not missing a legal deduction by four weeks, buddy. We have to talk!"
Men would not be content just knowing what sex a baby was going to be. They would want to know how long it would be before it slept through the night, when it would stop crying when there was nothing wrong with it, how tall it would be, what would be its political affiliation and especially its IQ. They might even offer to pay a few more bucks to upgrade the plumbing and buy a few more brain cells.
I know for a fact that if my husband had given birth, he would have refused to leave the hospital without a warranty, an operational manual and a few extra batteries. He's like that.
It has taken women a couple of thousand years to get men to make the coffee in the morning and empty the dishwasher. The idea of having them carry a baby for nine months is one that appeals only to a movie producer making a comedy.
Actually, it's the greatest gift that could have been bestowed on women. The miracle of bringing a life to fruition is the most significant thing anyone can do in a lifetime. It's a shame men are not privileged to share the same feeling.
In the Old Testament, God said, "Be fruitful and multiply, and replenish the Earth."
The first time a man lost his breakfast three solid months in a row, he would make plans to have a nocturnal headache for the rest of his married life.