THIS COLUMN IS a multiple-choice exam, with the correct answers appearing at the end. Test your wits, but exercise caution.
1. If a person says to you, "ALLSYADO is drive down to the end of the street and turn right and you're there," he really means:a) "All you do is . . ."
b) "Grow up."
c) "Just use your head."
d) "It's really very simple."
e) All of the above.
2. In Utah, the most common expression of gratitude is:
a) "God love ya."
b) "You're a dear boy."
c) "Appreeshaycha!"
d) "Good for you!"
e) "You're really something."
3. The Star Spangled Banner is intended to be sung:
a) by a fervent, patriotic group of people who love their country.
b) by a well-known performer who tries to fracture the tune or the lyrics in some unique way.
c) by a gifted singer with unusual range.
d) by someone who actually cannot carry a tune very well but who is not afraid to belt it out anyway.
e) by ALL OF US whether we can sing or not!
4. People should never run for office in Utah unless:
a) They are life-long, devoted Republicans.
b) They are Democrats who have an extra hundred thousand bucks for emergencies and a job to go to after the election.
c) They love criticism.
d) They are born with a speech defect that causes them to talk out of both sides of their mouths.
e) All of the above.
5. If you are interested in fame and national admiration, it is best if your name is:
a) Tonya Harding
b) Michael Jackson
c) John or Lorena Bobbitt
d) Bob Packwood
e) None of the above
6. The California earthquake teaches us that:
a) Freeways are dangerous for different reasons than we thought.
b) Houses should not be built on mountainsides.
c) Even movie stars are not safe.
d) We ought to be prepared for natural disasters, wherever we live.
e) All of the above.
7. The most durable name for political corruption is:
a) Watercloset
b) Watergate
c) Whitewater
d) Watersnake
e) Bridgewater
8. When Senator Bob Dole gave the Republican response to the State of the Union address, the huge diagram he showed was actually:
a) the Clinton health plan.
b) the New York subway system.
c) a disaster escape plan for the Capitol.
d) a map of the New Jersey Turnpike.
e) a map of the Washington sewer system.
9. Nancy Kerrigan's Campbell Soup ads, showing her as one tough cookie on the ice, were obviously made:
a) before the infamous attack on her knees.
b) to capitalize on the attack.
c) in the pre-existence.
d) without careful thought.
e) in the middle of the night.
10. In Sydney, Australia, a college student fired blanks from a pistol within a few feet of Prince Charles, who did not even flinch.
a) He was hypnotized.
b) He is actually stiffer than Al Gore.
c) Royalty does not permit flinching.
d) His mind wandered, and he did not realize there was gunfire.
e) He keeps everything inside.
Answers: 1. e 2. c 3. e 4. e 5. e 6. e 7. b 8. b 9. e 10. b
OK, so there were a lot of "e" answers - it was stimulating, wasn't it?