There's precious little "Heaven" in the latest installment in the "North & South" saga, but a whole lot of "Hell."
As a matter of fact, "John Jakes' Heaven and Hell: North & South Part III" is one hellaciously bad miniseries.(And that's not even taking into account its crushingly cumbersome title.)
Imagine "Gone With the Wind" meets "Melrose Place" - with a big tilt toward the latter - and you've got some idea of how truly awful "Heaven and Hell" is.
Bad writing. Bad dialogue. Bad direction. Bad acting.
Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad.
You may recall the first two "North & South" miniseries, which ran for a total of 24 hours in 1985 and 1986. The first followed the families of a pair of West Point cadets - Northerner George Hazard (James Read) and Southerner Orry Main (Patrick Swayze) and the events leading up to the Civil War.
"North & South Part II" returned with the same huge cast of characters and followed them through the war itself.
And, eight years later, they're back and it's Reconstruction.
The intervening years have not been kind. The only improvement of any kind in "Part III" is that, mercifully, it's only six hours long.
("Heaven and Hell" airs Sunday, Monday and Wednesday nights from 8-10 p.m. on Ch. 4.)
Part of the problem is that so much time has elapsed that, unless you've got an amazing memory for the trivial, you won't remember who the heck these people are. There's an all-too-brief look back at the beginning of "Heaven and Hell," and the occasional bit of stilted dialogue that harkens back, but it's a big muddle.
Just as one example, Genie Francis ("General Hospital") suddenly appears at one point in the drama. I know she was in the first two installments, but I can't remember who she was or what she did. And that's never explained.
Perhaps the smartest actor from the mid-'80s miniseries is Swayze. He didn't come back for "Part III."
Instead, an unidentified actor dressed to look like Swayze is bumped off in the opening moments of "Heaven and Hell." Lucky Orry.
Lots of other actors did return. Read is back. So is Lesley Anne-Down, who plays the beleagured Madeline Main.
Various lesser characters are also back, most notable is Jonathan Frakes ("Star Trek: The Next Generation") as George's ambitious brother and Terri Garber as Orry's trashy sister.
Philip Casnoff, who turned in a great performance in the title role of "Sinatra," is also back as the supposedly dead Elkanah Bent. But while Bent was a fine villain in the first two "North & Souths," this time he's a cartoonish madman.
Among the new cast members is Kyle Chandler ("Homefront") as Charlie Main. Charlie takes past of the miniseries in an entirely new direction - into the West as a cavalry soldier and scout.
It's just one of several different directions "Heaven and Hell" heads in - several different confusing directions.
In adapting Jakes' book for the small screen - particularly with only half as many hours as were available for the first two adapations - executive producer Robert Wolper and his staff would have been smart to slice out more extraneous action and concentrate on fewer stories.
Instead, they've concocted a bloated, confusing mess with characters trooping in and out so quickly it's impossible to get a handle on any of them.
Even some of the actors appear to be vaguely embarrassed to be involved with this trite, predictable, hokey romance novel come to life.
Oh, it does have many of the elements that are required for this sort of production - strong-willed women with heaving bosoms, strong, principled, passionate men and a few relatively steamy scenes.
But "Heaven and Hell" really is a total waste of time.
QUICK CANCELLATION: Well, here's some good news. Fox has axed the truly awful sitcom "Monty" after a short tryout.
The series, which starred Henry Winkler as a Rush Limbaugh-esque TV host, had its final airing on Feb. 15. There are still a handful of unaired episodes of this stinker, but Fox has no plans to air them.
In its place, the fourth network will premiere "South Central" on Tuesdays at 7 p.m. beginning April 5. It's a rather unusual sitcom about a struggling black family in South Central Los Angeles. Tina Lifford stars as the single mother of three whose oldest son was killed in gang warfare.
Oddly enough, both "Monty" and "South Central" share the distinction of having been rejected by other networks before ending up on Fox - the former by NBC, the latter by CBS.
Fox will fill the time slot with various programming until "South Central" debuts.
MADDEN'S DEBUT: John Madden will begin earning his $32 million over the next four seasons by hosting Fox's movie "Rise and Walk: The Dennis Byrd Story" on Monday. He'll be making some comments before the movie and during commercial breaks.
Makes sense, I guess. It's the story of the miraculous recovery of New York Jet Byrd after being paralyzed during a game.
In a formal statement, Fox's executive vice president of marketing said, "This is the first example of how we intend to treat the NFL players, as well as our on-air broadcast team, as television stars. Throughout the year, we will honor our commitment to the NFL by exploring all possible opportunities on this network to broaden exposure of the NFL on Fox."
Well, that's a little frightening, isn't it?
MORE GOOD NEWS: Could it be that the American public is finally tiring of those awful Jacksons?
NBC's highly hyped "Jackson Family Honors" finished a weak third on Tuesday night. CBS, of course, ran away with the ratings with the Winter Olympics (a 24.9 rating and a 36 share).
But the Jacksons (11.4/17) were even well behind ABC's lineup (13.2/19) - which included reruns of "Roseanne" and "NYPD Blue."
Maybe the audience just wasn't interested in all the self-congratulations and expressions of support for alleged child molestor Michael Jackson.
SPOILS OF VICTORY: Olympic gold medalist Dan Jansen will be a guest on the "Late Show with David Letterman" on Tuesday.
For those of you who missed it, Jansen made a brief appearance with Dave's mom from Lillehammer last week, reading the No. 1 item on that night's Top 10 List - Norwegian nicknames for Americans.
(No. 1 was "Bobbiteers," by the way.)
QUALITY ALERT: As expected, CBS has scheduled its new drama "Christy" for Thursday at 7 p.m. beginning April 7 after a two-hour movie premiere on Sunday, April 3, at 7 p.m.
Kellie Martin ("Life Goes On") stars as a pre-World War I 19-year-old who leaves her sheltered life to teach as a missionary school among the poorest of the poor in Appalachia. The cast includes Tyne Daly and Tess Harper.
It's based on the best-seller by Catherine Marshall and the pilot, at least, is excellent.