Ever take one of those compatibility quizzes? You know, the ones that ask dangerous questions like "How compatible are you and your spouse?" and force you to make such telling choices as "I consider myself a cat person, a dog person, a people person, or I don't consider myself." Usually you take these quizzes because you think they will help you and your spouse to better understand each other. You actually believe this.
A warning: THIS WILL NEVER HAPPEN. In reality, there are only two possible consequences of taking a compatibility quiz with your mate: You will end up in a fight, or you will end up in a fight. In fact, studies show that 1 percent of all marital spats result from squeezing the toothpaste in the middle, 2 percent from the not-asking-directions thing, and 97 percent from taking compatibility quizzes.A story: My mate and I decided to defy the statistics and take an "Are you compatible partners?" quiz. Actually, I decided we should take the quiz, and he, being wise and prudent, acquiesced. Question one read, "When you think about marriage, it makes you feel (a)claustrophobic, (b)nothing in particular, or (c)giddy with delight." Thinking himself very clever for not choosing (a) my mate picked (b). Not certain I understood his answer, I demurely asked how he could even consider such a choice. After considerable fidgeting, he sighed and said, "The directions say to answer honestly." Then he added the clincher, "What's the big deal? It's JUST A QUIZ."
Obviously this was a man who didn't understand the two commandments of compatibility quizzes. One: You absolutely never, under any circumstances, answer the questions honestly. And two: It is never, ever just a quiz.
Women, of course, are raised on these quizzes. From the first Teen magazine to the last Lear's, quizzes await, ready to reveal and shape our personalities. We actually enjoy answering questions like "If you were a garden vegetable, which one would you be?" and "I think about my love relationship (a)all the time, (b)nearly all the time, or (c)only when I'm awake."
And we believe that when we read a quiz's explanatory paragraph, all the riddles that plague our relationships will miraculously be solved. "So that's why he watches TV over my shoulder when we're talking! He's a passive-aggressive, neotribal introvert who's sadly out of touch with his inner child."
The male of the species, on the other hand, rarely takes such quizzes or puts much stock in what they prescribe. Men just don't see the point of ruminating on relationships. In their minds, you're compatible or you're not, and either way there's not much you can do about it. It's a gender thing, like reading horoscopes.
Suppose you're a man taking a compatibility quiz alone, of your own free will (this never happens, but let's pretend). The questions in a men's magazine (under headlines like "Which NFL Quarterback Is Most Like You?" or "Are You a Stud?") would read more like these: "I want sex (a)almost all the time, (b)during commercials, or (c)every blessed minute." Or "True or false: When my wife mentioned menopause, I worried about catching it." What you will not find is a paragraph advising that you open your channels of communication by scheduling a hugfest with your corporate softball team.
That's because, as we all know, men would rather eat lint than talk about feelings. Say "Let's talk" and odds are he'll look as if he's just swallowed a cicada.
Psychologists argue that this reticence stems from the fact that men were never taught to talk - which all women know is a lie. We've heard them barking orders at the drive-through.
The reason is really more primordial: Somewhere in the evolutionary process, between bludgeoning large scaly beasts with clubs and bludgeoning little white balls with clubs, men developed an acute sense of smell that enables them to sniff out any situation in which there is no right answer. That's why they lose the ability to speak when you ask "Which dress do you like best?" It's that same avoidance instinct that keeps them from hearing certain things, like the words "commitment" and "laundry" or the sound of a baby crying at 3 a.m.
But back to taking the quiz together. Say it's an hour since you started. If you're like most women, chances are your heart rate is in its target zone and your breathing is elevated. You're experiencing what is scientifically known as Quiz Buzz: the feeling of euphoria a woman gets when she is able to discuss the relationship uninterrupted for more than 10 minutes.
If you're the man in this equation, you'll experience a physical phenomenon of your own: analysis paralysis. It's the feeling of entrapment that seizes you when you're forced to discuss the relationship uninterrupted for more than 10 minutes.
Isn't that pretty much where we started? You want to learn inner truths about your relationship, and he wants to stay out of trouble.
If you truly crave lively communication, make up your own quiz. For example, "The last time you got your hair cut and asked your mate if he noticed anything different, he (a)said nothing, (b)asked, "Different from what?" or (c)asked guilelessly, "You've gained some weight?" Or "If a certain someone leaves the toilet seat up in the middle of the night one more time, you'll (a)pour Chicken Tonight Alfredo sauce into his lawn mower tank, (b)invite your mother for Christmas and New Year's, or (c)invite his mother for Christmas and New Year's."
So you don't get a perfect score; your customized quiz is guaranteed to spark discussion, and that, after all, is the whole idea. If you're lucky, it might even help with the toilet-seat thing.
*****
ADDITIONAL INFORMATION
Gauging your relationship
To find out whether you and your partner are compatible, take the following quiz, which was designed by Ervin Staub and George Levinger, psychology professors at the University of Massachusetts at Amherst.
Respond to each of the following statements with a number from the answer key below.
1 - Strongly disagree
2 - Disagree
3 - Neither agree nor disagree
4 - Agree
5 - Strongly agree
1. We have similar political values and beliefs.
2. We like similar people as friends.
3. We enjoy many of the same leisure activities.
4. We support each other's interests and activities, even if they differ from our own.
5. We are similar in how much disorder we are comfortable with in our home.
6. We feel like members of the same team.
7. We have a mutually acceptable division of household tasks.
8. We work well together in making decisions.
9. Overall, our personal lives (sleeping habits, work schedules, time spent separately with friends) fit together harmoniously.
10. We like the same kinds of trips and vacations.
11. We share our thoughts and feelings about even the most private topics.
12. We listen to each other and help resolve each other's problems.
13. When conflicts get intense, one of us begins to make peace.
14. We often share pleasant feelings about each other and our relationship.
15. Our efforts to work out differences usually bring us closer together.
16. We desire about the same level of openness.
If you have children, answer the next two items:
17. We agree on how to take care of our children.
18. We agree on how much child care each of us will do.
Answer questions 19 through 23 using this scale:
1 - Strongly agree
2 - Agree
3 - Neither agree nor disagree
4 - Disagree
5 - Strongly disagree.
19. We disagree about how much time the two of us want to spend with friends.
20. We differ in how much time we like to spend together.
21. We have different beliefs about religion.
22. We often disagree about money matters (spending, budgeting, etc.)
23. Our discussions of problems in our relationship often deteriorate into fights.
SCORING YOUR ANSWERS
1. Add your number answers for statements 1 through 23.
2. Divide the sum by the number of items you answered (23 items if you have children; 21 if you have none). This is your average score.
WHAT THE SCORES MEAN
An average of 4 or more shows that you view your relationship as highly similar in important areas and strong in communication and mutual responsiveness. An average between 3 and 4 indicates moderate compatibility, and an average of less than 3 shows that you see a substantial amount of incompatibility in your relationship.
WHAT THE QUIZ MEANS
Being compatible means fitting together, as well as helping each other reach important goals, according to quizmakers Staub and Levinger. Compatibility is a matter of degree, they say. A perfect score of 5 (total compatibility) might even indicate a problem - a possible denial of individual needs and goals. Identifying areas of less-than-ideal fit can help if it points out where a couple has potential to grow.
The meaning of many of your answers will be obvious: Chances are you don't need a quiz to know whether you and your mate share important values, respect each other's feelings or enjoy sex together. However, the quiz may help you identify why you feel out of sync. Here is Staub and Levinger's analysis of what the major elements of the quiz may signify for your relationship:
Similarities. Partners in a good relationship can tolerate fairly big differences if they basically accept each other. But commonality can promote each partner's goals and mutual satisfaction; too little commonality may indicate incompatibility.
Communication. Openness - and agreement on how open you'll be - is vital to your relationship. You need to be able to share good feelings about the relationship, as well as express negative feelings without overwhelming each other.
Support. The long-term health of a relationship depends on a fairly equal balance of giving and receiving. Partners may give different things to a relationship, and for periods of time one partner may receive more support or attention than the other (for example, a partner who's just lost a job may need extra nurturing to regain confidence). But in the long run, it is important to have a feeling of equal sacrifices and rewards.
Conflict. In most relationships, people do not always see eye-to-eye. And although repeated conflict creates tension, its absence can indicate a fear of disagreement. The ability to discuss and resolve conflicts without hostility helps to build compatibility and promote a healthy relationship.
1993 Whittle Communications L.P.
Distributed by Universal Press Syndicate