In marriages, couples take a journey through time. As they traverse the terrain, the scenery changes, as does the couple as each partner becomes older, more differentiated, and more of what all his or her choices and programming allows.
Occasionally, couples take the journey gracefully, with little incident or personal wear. But, more often, couples take unanticipated detours, get off on the wrong roads, end up at unexpected destinations, sometimes with another traveling companion, and blame each other for the rough trip.Unfortunately, they have no manuals instructing them how best to take the trip, what sights to see or to avoid or what means of travel offers them the smoothest ride. Nor are there any maps that show them the way and what they can expect to gain, should they continue their journey together toward their final destination. They have only a few travel brochures promising how wonderful their trip will be.
There is certain "travel information" that can help couples take their trip, keep their luggage and their same traveling companion and end up at the same destination, a sample of which follows:
- From the time "traveling companions" meet until the time they finish their journey together, the central issue in all stages of the relationship is how they manage their differences.
- At the beginning of their journey, partners often unconsciously conclude that the other person will think, do and be like them. For various reasons, in what one author has called the stage of Fantasy Time, interested parties tend to diminish their differences, to ignore them or not to notice them. Then they get married and begin sharing limited space. Slowly, and sometimes shockingly, the differences begin to emerge and, as they do, each partner may put pressure on the other to conform to his or her tacit expectations.
- At this point in the journey, partners often act as if they own the other, concluding that they are justified in using anger, criticism, cajoling, screaming or other destructive means to bring their partner's behavior into line. Only when each partner accepts that the other has a right not to be like him or her, and when each learns how to invite, rather than demand changes, will the couple have a chance for a satisfying journey or relationship.
- During the journey, couples must learn to pay attention to the road and to where they are going together. Sometimes, partners blithely watch the scenery and take frequent individual side trips and even extended detours by themselves, without the overall trip in mind. Often they discover that they are no longer taking the same journey or that they have lost a valued traveling companion.
- "Paying attention to the road and to where they are going together" means that couples must regularly touch base, planning for the next leg of the trip, and budgeting their time, energy and resources to assure they can do fun things together, yet still can make it to the next destination.
When couples simply take the trip, but don't see the sights together, they often conclude that the relationship is dull and boring. Not understanding that they must take charge of the itinerary to keep the relationship interesting, individuals often seek another traveling companion who promises to make the trip more exciting. A new traveling companion often comes with excess baggage and, rather than making the trip more exciting, just makes it harder.
- As couples plan their moves, they must make provisions for each partner to see sights or to make stops along the way that bring personal satisfaction. Neither party has the opportunity to meet individual goals or to experience individual growth outside the context of the shared journey.
Partners must not penalize each other, simply because they are taking the same journey, from achieving personal growth experiences. Rather, they should aid each other in planning specific and edifying side trips that one or the other may take alone.
- No trip comes without its travails and no traveling companion without his or her foibles. There are only imperfect journeys taken by imperfect people. Thus, during their travels, partners may find themselves at odds regarding which interim roads to take, or they may realize that one or the other has been left at the last road stop. It is common for partners to find themselves "out of sync" with each other and to believe they are taking the trip with the wrong companion.
However, rather than abandoning the trip, it is far less trouble, and much less wear-and-tear, for partners to find other paths they agree on and to commit to becoming better traveling companions. This may require seeing a travel agent, or counselor, regarding how they could more gracefully take the trip together.
- The longer couples travel together, the more they have in common with each other, until they have more in common with each other than any other person on Earth. Over time, they tacitly settle thousands of small issues that allow them to anticipate each other's needs and wishes, to move in concert and to take the trip comfortably. This is the leg of the trip where each partner feels fully secure with a traveling companion who has his or her best interests at heart.
Each knows now that it is the trip together, not the final destination, that has brought them happiness. Both can look back to see the road traveled, the experiences suffered or savored and the tremendous investments made over time. And they can look ahead - not always knowing where their travels will take them - but knowing that, to the end, hand in hand, they will travel together.