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Film review: Milk Money

"Milk Money" has a storyline that is truly wrong-headed and has no business being sold as a kids' picture.

Get this: Three young innocent suburbanite boys pool their meager savings, come up with $100 and head for the city to see a naked lady. They meet up with a prostitute named V (Melanie Griffith, doing her ditsy blonde act) who obliges by removing her blouse (with her back to the camera).

When their bikes are stolen, V drives the boys home in the boss's car, not realizing the pimp has hidden thousands of dollars in the gas tank - money he's stolen from his boss.

Naturally, once they get into inner suburbia, the car breaks down. So, one of the boys, whose mother has died, decides V would be perfect for his father (Ed Harris, who looks uncomfortable) and decides to play matchmaker. To facilitate his plan, he puts V up in his tree-house.

All of this hits some kind of zenith . . . or nadir . . . when the boy takes V to his school as a visual aid for a report on the female reproductive system.

And, of course, the film ends with mobster Malcolm McDowell tracking V to the suburbs, complete with gunplay, a car chase and an explosion.

Ridiculous, tasteless, offensive and unfunny, "Milk Money" was the perfect final film to see in this string of losers. It made all the others seem better.

"Milk Money" is rated PG-13, which seems rather light considering the subject matter, and contains violence, sex, profanity, vulgarity and partial nudity.