I've been doing a lot of heavy thinking lately. I'm trying to figure out what to say when someone asks me, "What's new?" Hopefully, whatever answer I come up with could also be used to respond to "What's happening?" or "What's going on?" or "What are you up to?"
When I was in college I had a ready answer to "What's new?" It was borrowed from a good friend, who always said, "Everything that isn't old." That worked in a limited way. It got people off my back, while they tried to figure out my response. They would pause and stare and then say, "What?"It was not exactly a conversation starter. The person who asked the question usually thought I was nuts. My answer was supposed to teach the one who asked the question just how ridiculous the question was by giving an equally ridiculous response.
Most people thought it was so silly they didn't want to talk to me any more.
When I think about this age-old question, I realize I'm guilty of asking it myself - or some variation of it. We all do. We all need conversation starters, and we all mean well - don't we?
So, lately I've been struggling with the question in a most sincere manner. When someone asks, "What's new?" I usually say something like, "Hmmm. That's a tough one. Let me think a minute."
And I do. I try to think of something new to say. I try to think of something relatively interesting that happened to me in, oh, you know the last day or two.
But the wait just kills the questioners. They feel guilty to have asked something that makes me work so hard. They didn't really expect a detailed or profound response anyway. They thought I would say something pretty stupid but amiable, like, "Oh, you know, same old, same old."
So they shut off my thinking and provide their own answer, "Pretty busy these days, huh?" I say, "Yeah, sure am busy - right." The person smiles and says, "Me, too," and then runs off to escape a more detailed response.
It's very unsatisfying.
What I need, then, is a response that has some substance but not too much, and yet it trips easily off the tongue so as not to scare the questioner. Here are some possibilities:
"I had a wreck yesterday on I-80. It totaled the car, but miraculously, I emerged unscathed - except for whiplash."
"I just got over a bad case of flu - actually seemed more like bubonic plague. Thought I would die. But I'm OK now - probably not even contagious."
"I thought of an idea for a best-selling book the other day. I've worked on it for three days in a row and have finished writing 185 pages. It may be another `Bridges of Madison County.' "
"I've been thinking this week about running for political office. Too few of us are willing to put ourselves on the line, you know, for a worthy cause. If we aren't willing to sacrifice to make things better, how can we expect anyone else to do it? I'm going to run for Congress."
"I've just changed jobs. I'm selling securities now. I'm making $200,000 a year, and I'm really excited. You could probably do it, too." "Not much is new with me, but I'll tell you, the country is in bad shape. Ever since the O.J. verdict, I've been thinking about pulling up stakes and moving out of the country. There's just no justice here."
That's all I've thought of so far. I'm still a little worried that some of them may scare the questioners a little - you know, just a bit too provocative?
So I just may keep it simple and say, "Nothing - how about YOU?"