The most intense decision of Colin Powell's life, one that riveted the political world for months, came down to his family's wishes and his own inability to "get the passion up" to run for president.
The retired general ended months of speculation Wednesday when he said he would not run for president or vice president in 1996 although he proclaimed himself a Republican and said he would continue to "speak out forcefully in the future on the issues of the day."To run for president, he said, would demand "a passion and commitment that, despite my every effort, I do not have for political life, because such a life re-quires a calling that I do not yet hear."
"For me to pretend otherwise would not be honest to myself, it would not be honest to the American people," said Powell, who was joined by his wife, Alma, at a jammed news conference.
Two days earlier, Powell had called his two closest advisers and Alma to the library of his home. Sipping a Coke, he told them what they already knew.
"It is over," he said.
Richard Armitage, his close friend and comrade since their days together at the Pentagon 15 years ago, remembered: "We started talking about how to pull the plug on this."
Powell had gone back and forth in his deliberation, and about 10 days earlier was optimistic enough to discuss where in his home state of New York he might hold an announcement. Despite the political difficulty of entering the race so late, advisers said he was encouraged by many prominent Republicans.
But ultimately his intense discussions with his wife and three adult children led him in the other direction.
"I've never seen him struggle so hard to make a personal decision," Michael Powell said of his father in an interview on ABC's "Good Morning America." Though Michael said he was more supportive than other family members for a Powell candidacy, he said he has never been more proud of his father.
"I don't think there are very many people who have the ability to step outside the intoxicating cloud of adulation and look inside themselves and say: `Do I have what's necessary to push through the difficult times that would have been ahead?' "
Over the weekend, Powell told intimates that sometimes he felt fired up, but never was able to maintain the enthusiasm his supporters would deserve. He felt he would not be worthy of their support. "It bothered him a lot," said Armitage.
When Powell summoned Armitage and political adviser Kenneth Duberstein to his home Monday night to say it was over, Armitage said he protested, "No it's not. It's just the beginning of the next chapter of your life."
"He just smiled and thanked me," said Armitage.
Powell made clear at Wednesday's news conference that even while he is not seeking office or yet endorsing a presidential candidate, he wants a voice in the political dialog.
"I believe I can help the party of Lincoln move once again closer to the spirit of Lincoln," he said of the GOP.
His goal these past weeks was not only to weigh a presidential bid but to open a window for more moderate Republican voices, friends said. He repeated his concerns Wednesday that conservative Republicans were moving to harsh positions and jeopardizing the social safety net for the young and the needy in the interest of cost-cutting.
He told reporters he will continue speaking out on such issues, and wants to help the GOP "broaden its appeal."
"I think there is more moderation there than one might believe from some of the rhetoric," he said.
Changes in Medicare, welfare and Medicaid are essential, he said, but Republicans have not sufficiently considered "those who may be cut loose" when programs are dismantled.
"We have to be absolutely sure that we have in our mind at all times that with these changes we are fundamentally changing the social safety net that people have relied upon. And at the end of this chain, there are children who may be in need and at risk. "
Republican National Committee Chairman Haley Barbour said he was pleased Powell said he wanted to become involved in the GOP.
"He can be a very effective advocate for our party, for our ideas," Barbour said on CNN's "Larry King Live" program.
Senate Majority Leader Bob Dole, whose position as the GOP front-runner would have been imperiled by a Powell candidacy, said he spoke by telephone with Powell Wednesday afternoon.
"We had a very nice visit," Dole told a GOP fund-raising dinner Wednesday night. "I told him that I was proud he was a Republican and I, too, wanted to reach out and bring more people into the party and hoped that we could work together."