When our oldest son, Joshua, then age 11, died in the summer of 1989, I wondered how we would get through many things, not the least of which was Christmas.
After six years of trial and error, these are some things that have helped:- We don't hide or put away Joshua's things that are especially for Christmas. His stocking is hung by the fireplace along with those of his brothers and sisters. His special ornaments that were given to him or that he made in school are hung on the tree.
- We give gifts or do service for others in his memory each year. There are always little boys or others who need an extra present under the tree or a service performed for them.
- We remind ourselves and our children that in celebrating Christ's birth, we are also giving thanks for the gift Jesus gave to us of His resurrection.
These things help our children to feel and see that the bonds of love and sealing extend beyond the grave and that those who have died are never forgotten or their memory "put away." - Lou Ellen Cryer, Alvin, Texas
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What we did:
Talk about good times
Our family has recently had a loved one pass away, and I have been worried about how we will cope with the holidays with him gone. This man is my father-in-law. He was truly one of the greatest men I have ever known. He passed away so unexpectantly that it broke a lot of hearts, but it is comforting to know where he is and that he is watching over us and awaiting our arrival.
I suppose the way we will handle it will be to talk about all the good times we've had with "Paw Paw." Being together as a family will bring great comfort too, as we all realize he was someone special. Talking, laughing, remembering and enjoying each other will be done plenty at the Anderson home this year. - Carole Anderson, Petal, Miss.
Love, service
This year will be the first Christmas without my father-in-law. I've been pondering what Christmas will be like. Will my mother-in-law still make the clam chowder that Dad loved to eat on Christmas Eve, especially since very few family members besides Dad like clam chowder?
The spirit of Christmas is a feeling that fosters love and service. Through fervent prayer, we can increase our faith and remember that our loved one now has the opportunity to serve those who also have passed on. This is a different kind of service compared to the temple work we can do on the earth.
Having a family service project in remembrance of our loved ones is one way we can enhance the spirit of Christmas. As we serve, we can only gain a greater testimony that the gospel is true and that we are loved and blessed greatly by our Father in Heaven. - Loralynne Pavlicek, Phoenix, Ariz.
Grateful for support
Three years ago, exactly one week before Christmas, our 6-year-old daughter, Kimberly, died after a long battle with a brain tumor. We opted to keep our daughter home during the last two months of her life, instead of putting her in the hospital, as suggested. We learned through the holiday season that others' lives were blessed by being allowed to serve us, even though it was extremely difficult to be served so much. We were grateful for the help and support of our ward and family members and used this service to simplify our lives in spending these last few weeks together.
We had the funeral three days before Christmas. Having the Christmas holidays combined with Kimberly's death made the life and sacrifice of the Savior seem so much more personal to us.
On Christmas Day, after a quieter-than-usual morning, we took the children tubing in the snow. It took everything we had just to get out and do something fun, but it was essential to our recovery. We knew that Kimberly would want us to continue with our lives - not grieving for her every moment, but filling our lives with more happy events and memories. - Mindy Meyers, Bountiful, Utah
Twelve nights
Christmas occurred nine months after my husband's death. For 12 nights before Christmas, we read aloud journal entries and watched videos of the Christmases since our marriage. My children observed their father's Christmas spirit. They saw him dressed as Santa at Church and work parties. We then took a trip to his boyhood home and community, enjoying the holiday with his family. We gave his family copies of the Book of Mormon with photocopies of his written testimony. We experienced his Christlike service that year. - Chris Dutson, Fort Madison, Iowa
Spirit of love
Attending Church meetings and celebrations that emphasized the spiritual side of Christmas was my greatest help after the death of my father on Dec. 18, 1992. On the Sunday after his death, I found that the talks and the lessons and even the hymns offered me consolation and peace. A Relief Society lesson, which happened to be on how to cope with a death at Christmas, helped me to see that rather than a terrible time for death to occur, it was a glorious time because of the Savior's atonement. - Mauna Aagard, Tooele, Utah
More meaningful, precious
We lost our beloved mom and "Gramie" Christmas morning 1991. Christ's birth is more meaningful, His gospel more precious because we know He was prepared from the foundation of the world to be born as our personal Savior. Christmas messages and songs remind us of the "good tidings of great joy" and the glorious promises of reunion with our loved ones. The sorrow of our loss is never far away, but the joy in the birth of our Lord helps us to forget ourselves and reach out to those around us with love, charity and service. The merriment of the Christmas spirit is manifest when we are remembering Him and loving those around us. - Claudia Gassin, Irvine, Calif.
Family traditions
Our first son died shortly after his birth, which happened to be during the holiday season. His brief life gave us the opportunity to create special family traditions to draw us together. In lieu of time spent planning and shopping for his birthday party, we plan a week of special service projects that the family works on together. We try to do the activities anonymously and meet particular current needs of those around us. At Christmas we give money that would have bought his gifts to a charity. - Dawn Crowley, Provo, Utah
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How to checklist:
1. Focus on the true meaning of Christmas; have hope in Christ.
2. Do acts of service in remembrance of your loved one.
3. Fill lives with happy memories; talk about loved one, remember the good times.
4. Seek peace, comfort through Church meetings.
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WRITE TO US:
Dec. 16 "How to help elderly loved ones with their finances."
Dec. 23 "How to feel peace and contentment today, rather than always looking to the future for happiness."
Dec. 30 "How to apply the two great commandments (love of God, love of fellowman) in your life."
Jan. 6 "How to increase gospel knowledge through daily study of the Book of Mormon."
Jan 13 "How to help yourself or a loved one break the cycle of compulsive behavior."
Jan. 20 "How to help young people want to dress modestly and with dignity."
Had any good experiences or practical success in any of the above subjects? Share them with our readers in about 100-150 words. Write the "How-to" editor, Church News, P.O. Box 1257, Salt Lake City, Utah 84110, send fax to (801) 237-2121 or use internet E-mail: Churchnews@desnews.com. Please include a name and phone number. Contributions may be edited or excerpted and will not be returned. Due to limited space, some contributions may not be used; those used should not be regarded as official Church doctrine or policy. Material must be received at least 12 days before publication date.