I saw a sweatshirt in a catalog the other day with these words printed on it: "I'm Talking and I Can't Stop."
I smiled and thought, "Now there's a gift I'd like to give to a few people."Over and over I meet people who talk too much. I hear complaints from others that they have friends who never stop talking, and these friends drive them a little nutso.
I see grown daughters in my office who tell me they can hardly stand being with their mothers because their mothers won't stop talking. As a psychotherapist, I've confronted people in therapy by saying, "You're lecturing. You're going on and on. Stop."
A friend even called me for advice when she was on vacation because one of the women they were vacationing with wouldn't shut her mouth.
To my amazement many talkers know they talk too much. But they do it anyway.
Another exasperating issue is what these non-stoppers talk about. It's how much things cost; what they ate for breakfast, lunch and dinner; how many stores they went to looking to find a particular item; and each ache and pain they have. They are even willing to reveal the most intimate details about their mate's aches and pains.
On the opposite side are the people who rarely talk. Being with them for an evening can be just as deadly.
They do not ask questions of others nor do they take responsibility for bringing up topics for conversation.
Another person who makes conversations less than pleasant is the person who cannot see another's perspective. For example, you're having a conversation and you say something the other person disagrees with.
His response is to get sarcastic and challenging and act like you're a danged fool for thinking such thoughts. This stops the conversation cold.
Through the years I have come to the conclusion that nonstop talkers, non-talkers and those who turn into bullies when someone says something they don't agree with are all selfish people.
The talker is selfish because she monopolizes the conversation and acts as though she's the only one who has anything to say.
The non-talker is selfish because he brings nothing to the table, refuses to acknowledge others by making comments and asking questions and is clearly self-absorbed.
The person who can't stand for others to see things differently is selfish because he thinks he's the only one who has the right perspective. He's not interested in anyone else's views.
In addition, all these people cause their companions to work hard. With a talker, you have to strain to continue to listen and be attentive. If you want to contribute a comment, you have to wait for an opening. With a non-talker, you have to work to keep the conversation going. With a conversational bully, you have to watch every word you say and keep backing down and smoothing things over to keep the peace.
Ask yourself: Do I talk too much? Am I a drag because I contribute too little? Am I a conversational bully? If you know you are guilty of any of these bad behaviors, vow to change them.
If you are a talker, the next time you're in a conversation, decide to listen for five minutes without interrupting to whomever has the floor.
Also decide that no matter what topic of conversation is brought up, you won't jump in immediately and talk about your related experiences. And never talk more than five minutes at a time.
Once five minutes are up, defer the conversation to someone else by getting quiet or asking someone else a question directed at their life.
If you're the silent type, the next time you're in a conversation, decide that, no matter what, you'll bring up three topics of conversation and you'll ask three questions of another when they have the floor.
Prepare in advance for those three topics by scanning the newspaper or a magazine. Don't go out the door without them.
If you're a conversational bully, every day say to yourself a few thousand times, "It's OK if people see things differently than I do." And when you're in a conversation, decide that you will not turn sarcastic or get loud in order to manipulate others to back down.
You will honestly try to see the other person's point of view. Even if you can't agree, you will let the topic go without getting on your soapbox.
Chances are that over the holidays you will be getting together with many different people. Make a decision to change your pattern of communicating if it needs to change.