Dear Miss Manners: When my sister invited me and my two children for Christmas dinner and informed me that our parents and other relatives would be in attendance, I asked her what I could contribute to the occasion. She quickly assured me that she was preparing a very special meal and that I was not to bring any food items - but that I would be expected to pay $50 if I wished to attend!
I'm sorry to say that I paid Sister Scrooge the money. My parents were visiting from out of town and I dearly wanted to spend Christmas with them.To my further dismay, I discovered that Mom and Dad were also charged $50, as was my sister's mother-in-law!
The dinner was mediocre and most everything came straight out of a can. My sister is quite comfortable financially and I find this meal charge simply appalling. How can I express my feelings of disgust to her and still maintain family harmony?
Gentle Reader: Hold on a minute, please, while Miss Manners tries to deal with her own feelings. They are not harmonious. They are not even presentable.
Your sister sold Christmas dinner to her own family? And then she cheated them by substituting cheaper goods than she had advertised?
All right, that's it. Miss Manners has had enough holiday spirit for this year. She doesn't see how you can mention this decently; the only way to keep family harmony would be to refrain from mentioning it to your sister at all.
But you would be well advised to arrange another family dinner for the next occasion. The rates are likely to go up and the quality down.
Dear Miss Manners: In the rush and hustle and bustle of Christmas, I ignored a package that had come for my mother, who was to arrive in town the next day. When she came and opened it, she exclaimed over the contents - a large amount of smoked salmon and fresh caviar - and promptly threw it all away, because it hadn't been refrigerated for quite a number of hours.
There was little on the box to indicate the fragile nature of its contents - only one sign saying "perishable" on the side of the box. There was no dry ice or anything but a couple of cold packs.
When my mother called the relative to thank her, she exclaimed about how wonderful and delicious it had been, as though she had eaten and enjoyed the present, not thrown it away. My husband felt she should have at least told the relative about the inadequate packaging. After all, she treated many people to such packages and others could make the same mistake I did.
My mother felt that only lies were appropriate, to preserve the illusion that her relative had sent a wonderful, marvelous gift. What do you think?
Gentle Reader: Your mother threw away an hours-old package of smoked salmon and caviar? Miss Manners is sorry to tell you that she is stark raving mad.
But at least she is polite.
Dear Miss Manners: When I was promoted to vice president, I received congratulatory notes and e-mail from my colleagues at the bank where I work, along with congratulatory phone calls.
Unless I specifically had to contact one of these colleagues for business-related reasons, I did not call back to acknowledge receipt of the notes or e-mail. Should I have somehow replied to each communication, although I will probably not have to deal with these colleagues any time soon?
Gentle Reader: Please tell Miss Manners that you are not suggesting that it is unnecessary to thank people for their kindness when you do not need to draw on their good will. Please!
Please tell her that you are only wondering whether congratulations need to be acknowledged (yes) and how (the same way they were sent - mail or e-mail).
Dear Miss Manners: If one is invited to lunch during a busy work day and the host shows no sign of ending the meal/meeting, how can the guest gracefully end the meal without offending the host?
Gentle Reader: By thanking him. Presuming that the coffee and the topic of the meeting are both down to the dregs, you must suddenly brighten your facial expression and your voice and announce cheerily, "Well! This was delightful! I'm so glad to have had this chance to talk to you. It was a wonderful lunch."
The change in tone should shake your host of his torpor. Or perhaps his discouragement that you would ever leave. Unless dining with one's boss, the guest should take the lead in departure anyway.