Au revoir, 1995. Here's looking at you, kid:
THE SENTIMENTAL FAVORITES
America breathes a sigh of relief when Steve Young throws six touchdown passes to lead the 49ers to a Super Bowl victory. Afterward, he rides the crest of his popularity. He pops up more places than Elvis. Milk ads. Ski slopes. TV commercials. Disneyland. Letterman. Salt Lake's Olympic bid celebration.
But fame does have its limits. When Young and teammate Jerry Rice are given cuts in line for the teacup ride at Disneyland as part of a promotion, the kids boo them.
"They didn't care who we were; they just wanted to get in the tea cups," Young says.
That notwithstanding, sentimental is as in as nose strips in '95. We get so sentimental that even Andre Agassi looks good. We cheer Tom Osborne winning his first national title and Ben Crenshaw winning the Masters.
Northwestern, the little school that couldn't, goes to the Rose Bowl. Sign of the Times: Near the end of one victory, the Wildcats sit on the ball so they don't run up the score - against Penn State.
UCLA beats Arkansas and its grouchy coach, Nolan "Woe Is Me" Richardson, while the grand old man, John Wooden, watches from the stands. Typically, he slips away as the game winds down, so as not to steal the Bruins' moment.
THE COMEBACKS
Mike Tyson returns from prison and Darryl Strawberry returns on probation, and both are welcomed back like heroes. Tyson's comeback match lasts 89 seconds, or until Peter McNeeley gets decked. He might have been able to continue, but McNeeley's manager throws in the towel and knocks his fighter down again.
Hockey, NBA players, baseball, even referees, come back from labor revolts. Baseball comes back from its strike, but many of its fans don't come back with it. A thrilling postseason may have saved the game.
A minor league baseball player named Michael Jordan comes back. All he asks in return is that the NBA, NBC, U.S. Congress and Spike Lee help pay his salary. Jordan is so ordinary that he is reduced to changing jersey numbers to change his luck.
Anyway, comebacks (preferably sentimental comebacks) are the rage in '95. Monica Seles comes back from a stab wound, Mario Lemieux from Hodgkin's disease, Jerry Tarkanian from exile, John Daly from substance abuse, Ana Quirot from near-fatal burns.
THE GOOD-BYES
Joe Montana retires. His retirement is so big it takes two press conferences to do it.
Mickey Mantle emerges from an Iowa cornfield and takes his place in center field.
Charles Haley, Charles Barkley and Danny Ainge announce their retirements.
Howard Cosell dies. No one is sure how to act.
Charles Haley and Charles Barkley say they were just kidding.
Buddy Ryan, a giant windbag who has never backed his bluster, was fired. He's expected to audition for the part of Sgt. Carter in a remake of the Gomer Pyle series.
Bobby Riggs hustles St. Peter, double or nothing.
The Raiders, Rams, Browns and Oilers move someplace. They promise to send forwarding addresses.
Deion Sanders goes over to the other side.
THE HELLOS
After the Super Bowl, just outside the locker room, a middle-aged black man in a suit approaches quarterback Steve Young with outstretched arms.
"Steve!" he gushes.
"Yo, Reggie!" replies Young as they embrace.
Oops, wrong Jackson. Young is actually hugging Rev. Jesse Jackson, not Reggie Jackson.
THE MILESTONES
Cal Ripken breaks Lou Gehrig's legendary record of 2,130 consecutive games played.
The IOC votes to accept ballroom dancing and snowboarding as Olympic sports. Twister and Whack-A-Mole are on deck.
The Utah Jazz win a record 15 straight road games and produce the second-best record in the NBA. But they don't survive the first round of the playoffs.
John Stockton becomes the NBA's all-time assist leader. Karl Malone scores his 20,000th point. The one-millionth fan in Jazz history passes through the turnstiles.
IOC officials finally decide this is the place for the Winter Olympics.
Utah, Utah State, Weber State and Southern Utah all win their conference basketball championships. BYU does its usual February Fade.
BYU quarterback John Walsh is tabbed a first-round NFL draft choice. But scouts have to use a sun dial to time Walsh's 40. He goes in the seventh and last round, No. 213 overall.
The University of Utah wins its 10th gymnastics title. Rivals raise a white flag.
THE SUPERFLUOUS
President Clinton and Congress turn their deft political touch to intervene in the baseball strike. The strike ends anyway - months later.
Current and former U.S. presidents Bill Clinton, Jimmy Carter and Gerald Ford play golf in the Bob Hope Classic. The results are predictable: Bush hits two spectators, Ford hits one. Clinton doesn't hit anything except a few trees. Final scores: Bush 92, Clinton 93, Ford 100.
The tabloids' dream comes true. There's an Elvis sighting. He's seen in a 49ers uniform, considerably trimmer than we last saw him.
The SI swimsuit issue hits the newsstands. Rumor has it that the issue includes an article about BYU's Reid brothers, but nobody ever gets around to confirming this.
OneAustralia enters the Americas Cup race, having prepared for every conceivable aspect of yacht racing except one: sinking. The $3 million boat cracks in half, forcing the crew to swim for it. Oliver Stone plans a movie: Dennis Connor planned the whole thing.
Dennis Connor decides that his boat - The Minnow - is too slow for the Americas Cup final. He borrows one from Boats R Us but loses to New Zealand anyway.
Two years after trading Blue Edwards for Jay Humphries, the Jazz trade Jay Humphries for Blue Edwards. This is progress.
During a minor league baseball game in Durham, N.C., 10 players are ejected following a lengthy brawl. The brawl is the highlight of "Strike Out Domestic Violence Night" at the ballpark.
THE BAD BOYS
CBS announcer Ben Wright says lesbians hurt the women's tour and that women's breasts hinder the golf swing. No comment so far on whether men are hindered as field goal kickers.
Bobby Knight is ousted in the second NCAA tournament and doesn't go quietly. His post-game, R-rated outburst at a tournament official is replayed on the national news. Indiana officials give Knight the ultimate punishment: He's locked in a room with two dozen sports writers for one hour.
New York Giant fans turn Giants Stadium into a Giant Snowball Fight. Fifteen are arrested, 15 are injured, and 175 are ejected. Most are believed to be cab drivers and postal workers.
Bryan Cox spits at fans. Vernon Maxwell punches one of them.
America's Jeff Tarango walks off the court at Wimbledon because he believes the umpire is cheating. Tarango's wife slaps him (the umpire, that is).
Pat Riley joins the Miami Heat. He immediately signs Chuck Norris, Jeff Gillooly, Shane Stant and Jean-Claude Van Damme to long-term contracts.
THE HOT
Nose strips. Hideo Nomo. NFL wide receivers. Scott Mitchell. Brett Farve. Mike Holmgren. Tattoos. Atlanta Braves. Chicago Bulls. Houston Rockets. Pete Sampras. Steffi Graf. Haile Gebrselassie. Dennis Rodman. Rick Majerus. Ron McBride. Greg Marsden. Steve Spurrier. Northwestern. Gary Barnett. Miguel Indurain. The city of Atlanta. Michael Johnson. Sheryl Swoopes. Rebecca Lobo.
THE NOT
O.J. Barry Switzer. Chinese athletes. U.S. sprinters. Don Shula. Art Modell. Notre Dame. Spouse abuse (see O.J., Warren Moon, Robert Parish, Bobby Cox). Intoxication (see Dennis Erickson, Gary Moeller, Cox).
THE QUOTES
- "Death, taxes and Cal." - T-shirt seen in Baltimore when Cal Ripken surpassed Lou Gehrig's consecutive games record.
- "You can always tell who won the previous year's national championship. They get their yearbook pictures taken from the side and the front." - L.A. Times columnist Jim Murray, on the legal troubles of Nebraska's football team (as well as Miami's and Colorado's).
- "The last 50 games are what counts. That's when hockey begins." - Mark Messier, on the effect of the strike shortening the NHL season to 48 games.
- "I don't think he quite got knocked into next week. But he's at about Saturday now." - Dolphin linebacker Bryan Cox, after the Steelers' Greg Lloyd crushed Dan Marino after vowing to knock him "into next week."
- "There was a lot of emotion at the Alamo, too, and they all died." - George Seifert when asked if the 49ers' rout of the Falcons was due to the emotion of losing Deion Sanders to Dallas the previous week.
- "I don't like to tackle. They don't pay me to tackle. That's what linebackers do." - Deion Sanders, the $35 million cornerback.
- "Yeah, I eat a lot." - 282-pound world shot put champion John Godina, when asked if he has a special diet.
- "He's cute." - Mike Tyson on Peter McNeeley, his first opponent in the ring since going to prison.
- "Will the lady who left her 10 kids at Joe Robbie Stadium please pick them up. They're beating the Dolphins 42-0." - A fax sent to a Miami newspaper.
- "Ummm . . . no." - Darryl Strawberry when asked by a judge if he had taken drugs in the last few days.
- "My life ban stems from a white-people's campaign. I was getting too powerful as a black athlete. Every time a black man tries to succeed in life they try to put him down. Black guys are making some good money and the white people don't want to see them succeed. Mike Tyson is another good example." - Ben Johnson, the Canadian sprinter who was banned for failing another drug test.
- "This girl could have damaged (Richie) Parker for life. Five years from now this will haunt him . . . everyone's worried about the girl. What about him?" - Ute assistant coach Donny Daniels on basketball recruit Richie Parker, who had been convicted of sexual assault of a 15-year-old girl.
- "I would scold them or beat them when they were lazy or disobedient. But I only did it for their own good." - Chinese distance-running coach Ma Junren on his former superteam of women's runners.
- "I was just glad that we had enough fans in the stands that we didn't have to whisper in the huddle anymore." - Steve Young, on the differences between the NFL and the old USFL.
- "Agassi's latest motif is Bluebeard the Pirate meets Homer Simpson." - columnist Scott Ostler on Andre Agassi's court attire.