Anybody seen a Naked Broomrape, a Lesser Dirty Socks or a Crouching Locoweed? These items are listed in various field guides to the wildflowers of North America. I am not making up these names. I can show you the photographs, too.
I'm trying to mitigate my ignorance and stop asking "What's that?" of anybody I go hiking with. I've been working my way through the field guides and stumbling over these wiggy labels. My suspicions are aroused. Do these flowers with the bizarre names really exist, or is there some conspiracy among botanists to pull the public's leg?If the plants are really out there, then I'd give a prize to meet the yahoos responsible for sticking such miserable names on nature's blooming flora. How could you look at a flowering plant and say, "Let's call that sucker a Naked Broomrape"? Especially when the purported flower has a pale violet trumpet shape with a dab of purest yellow in the center. You've got to be in a bad mood to do that.
Worse, I want to get a look at the crab who had the peevish gall to say, "Well, that looks like a Bastard Toadflax to me." The actual plant is small, the complex flowers pale ivory, and the leaves olive green. Come on.
And someone must have had a bad day in the bush when they declared, "See that - I say that sorry specimen deserves to be called a Crouching Locoweed." The plant, with slender leaves, bears a tall flower with multiple silvery-white petals.
And as for "Dirty Socks" - a pinkish flower with touches of purple in the middle - I've got to see the socks of the one who did the christening. I've seen ugly and unlaundered socks on some hikers, but I wouldn't stick the name on a plant.
All I can figure is that some plant mavens must have a sour sense of respect for the subjects of their vocation. Field guides are full of mean-spirited adjectives - the "lowly" this, the "false" that, the "dwarf" whatnot and the "pygmy" something else. Wonder what they name their dogs and cats and children?
And I'd sure like to know what was going on in the mind of the guy who named a small, yellow sunflower the "Nipple Seed.
So, who cares, really? There are lots better things to get stirred up about, aren't there? I suppose political correctness in naming wildflowers is not a bandwagon with much steam behind it, though dumber matters do get a lot of press.
But I do wonder what would happen if we were to wipe the slate clean of all the names for things around us and start over. If our generation were responsible for labeling the environment, would we do any better, be any kinder to our plant friends? Probably not. Can you imagine the meetings - the congressional hearings?
Besides, the experts tell us that the evolution of living things continues at such a rate that plants and animals and insects come into and go out of existence faster than human beings can catalog. The number of living things we have identified and named is far outnumbered by those we don't even know about. Most of what we have named is dead and gone, actually. There may have been a Naked Broomrape once, but it may be extinct by now. Something else will take its place. And we get to name that one. Better job next time.
And sometimes, we actually do a good job. My favorites from the field guides are the Rosy Pussytoes, The Enchanter's Nightshade and the Chocolate Lily. Progress.
Almost every living species has been here far longer than ours - the fossil evidence is clear. And many will likely be here long after we've wandered off into the doomsday dustbin ourselves, still sticking names on things as we went.
Scientists tell us the Earth has been around 4.5 billion years and has another 5.7 billion to go. What does a flower care about what label we apply in passing? The labels only stick to us.