The first and most important teacher of virtues and character an infant can have is a caring adult. Through the guidance of such a caregiver, each child can learn what it feels like to trust that someone will always be there to give unconditional love and provide for his or her basic needs.
In the context of this love, babies begin to learn what is "right" and "wrong" through interacting with their environment and discovering that this significant adult places limits on what they are and are not allowed to do. Thus begins the process of an infant becoming a person who can live in a civilized world.To learn to live in society, all children must learn to balance their personal wants against the needs of the social group (family, neighborhood, school, society). Today we see far too few examples of this kind of balance as people put their own wants and needs above all others - all of the time.
HOW CHILDREN LEARN
Currently, talk about virtue, values, morals and character has emerged in the forefront of movement for social change. However, it is important to understand that these traits must be taught rather than talked. For our society to heal itself and to develop into an enduring culture with a core of virtue, children must be taught the behaviors of virtue.
There are proven ways children learn behaviors that can be used to teach virtues to them. To become good teachers of behavior, or any lesson, parents must follow these basic steps:
1. Set goals for the children to achieve.
2. Define the behaviors that will be needed to reach the goals.
3. Model the behaviors so the children will have a mental picture of what they are.
4. Encourage the children's practice of the behaviors.
5. Reinforce the practice through the use of praise and privileges.
6. Observe the children in order to decide whether the behaviors have been learned.
HOW TO FIT VIRTUES INTO FAMILY LIFE
As a society we have lost the art of reflection, that ability to think deeply and meaningfully about issues. Instead, through media glitz and glitter, hype and pizazz we have learned only to feel what others are feeling as we vicariously experience what others are experiencing right before our eyes. We have replaced thought with emotion.
However, essential to the teaching of virtues is the development of this most important ability to reflect on life's experiences. Learning from experiences depends on this ability to reflect on those experiences and to develop new, more appropriate ways of behaving. With our responses to experiences limited to emotion, we end up with the image of virtue without having virtues as a part of our way of life.
Teaching virtues to your children begins with the awareness that virtues are the basis of your own definition of good character. Notice how you react when someone gives you back more change than you were due at the grocery store. What do you say when someone calls and wants to talk when you're in the middle of dinner or other personal activities? How do you respond when your son arrives 10 minutes later than the time when you were supposed to pick him up?
Establishing your own personal living standards and living by those standards involves no magic, only the setting of priorities and the active choosing of moral and ethical ways of behaving over the self-centered, what's-in-it-for-me, win-at-all-costs approach to life that has become the vogue.
Virtues are not taught by force-feeding. In fact, just the opposite is true. The teaching of virtues is undertaken in the everyday interactions with children: during the jaunt to the shopping center, standing in line at the fast-food restaurant, traveling full tilt to ball practice.
So if it's so easy to do, this practicing of virtues, why don't more of us do it? Because it takes considerable effort - hard work - to discipline ourselves to do so. At times it may seem easier to yell and scream, to clean up children's rooms ourselves instead of going through the hassle of teaching children to do so, to be critical of others, and to find someone to blame for the problems that, at first blush, we can't seem to solve. This is particularly true if we were parented by folks who modeled these behaviors.
It is a proven fact that the lessons of virtue are best learned from those who practice what they teach. Changing your behavior from what you learned about parenting as a child to what you want to pass on to your children can be accomplished if you open your mind and heart to the following lessons that have been passed on for generations but may, in fact, be new to you:
1. Be there as a positive role model when your children truly need you - let your children know they can trust you to do so.
2. Develop a consistent, fair discipline plan.
3. Use unconditional love, kindness and caring in enforcing discipline.
4. Avoid power struggles with your children.
5. Model the virtues being taught.
6. Decide on family priorities.
TEACHING EMPATHY
Empathy is the core virtue around which all others are built. Without the ability to behave with empathy - to put oneself in another person's shoes - the motivation for caring, honest, trust, tolerance and all the other virtues is lost to us.
What do we mean by empathy?
- Empathy involves the ability to understand and to assume the role of another person.
- In order to feel empathy, a child must be able to recognize and understand the emotions of others, and then be able to share those emotions.
- By 3 years of age, most children have developed an awareness of themselves, and through that self-awareness, they become capable of feeling and showing empathy. But without teaching and reinforcing empathy, this ability will not be retained or used.
- Generally by the time they are 3 years old, children show empathy when someone else is hurt, an experience the child has had by then and through which he can recall his own emotions.
- Children who have a secure attachment to at least one adult have greater ability to feel empathy for others than those children who lack such a secure attachment.
TEACHING TOOLS
1. Define empathy by example. Set a good example of ways that two people use caring when interacting with each other, so that each of your children will know what you are talking about when you use the word "empathy."
Warning: Avoid doing the same thing to the child that was done to the victim. When young children hit or bite, it is tempting to do the same to them in order for them to experience the pain. Unfortunately, children who experience punishment in kind only increase their anger and aggressiveness, lose respect for the adult who administers it, and reduce their ability to feel empathy.
2. Develop a positive discipline plan. Parents who consider discipline a teaching process teach their children appropriate behavior by using consistent, fair and nonviolent reprimands for inappropriate behavior. This technique uses empathy, understanding and caring as the basis for its success even in the face of their children's cruel and unusual forms of punishment that they dish out to their friends and family.
Warning: Avoid overreacting. When your children's nasty put-downs rear their ugly heads, don't say, "How dare you say things like that to your sister! Because you are being so mean to her, you are grounded for a month." Becoming overly upset, as in this example, suggests a loss of affection and support, and makes a child more angry and aggressive.
3. Use I-statements. I-statements are those that tell "you" how "I" feel. When you use I-statements, you can avoid accusing and blaming someone and begin to express your feelings honestly. In order to use I-statements effectively, first decide what you want your position to be. Next, state the position while avoiding saying "you did . . .," which accuses another of wrongdoing.
Warning: Avoid taking sides in disputes. When children, especially siblings, are in conflict, taking sides or trying to get to the bottom of the problem may actually increase rivalry. Instead, help both children understand their contribution to the conflict, the feelings each has about the conflict, and how to go about problem-solving that will resolve this dispute as well as future conflicts.
4. Teach children to be aware of the impact of their behavior. When your children cross the line into "forbidden behavior," don't guess about whether or not they are aware of their insensitive language or actions. State the problem, the consequences, and then drop it. Your goal is to help your children understand the implications of their behavior while it is fresh in their minds.
5. Use role-playing as a way of teaching empathy. Remember the old saying "I'd walk a mile in his shoes"? Try putting your children in each other's shoes - literally, if that's possible. Then ask them to think about the feelings and emotions of their sisters, brothers, Mom or Dad. When children even mentally experience the pain, fears, joys and challenges that others experience, they are more likely to feel empathy toward them.
6. Set behavior boundaries. Ever hear of giving children a "fair warning"? Telling children exactly what behavior you expect of them is "fair," because everyone then has an equal chance to meet these expectations. Fair warnings also help children feel secure, because they know the rules. A simple rule of thumb to follow: Children who understand the rules are less likely to make mistakes in following them.
7. Give positive attention for good behavior. When children are given positive attention (hug, pats on the back, praise, etc.) for good behavior, they are more likely to repeat that behavior. Children thrive on positive attention, because it helps them feel secure and loved by those who they believe are most important to them.