The truest and deepest experiencing of love between two people resides at the level of the soul, that inner, mysterious part of ourselves that can only be accessed by another through acts of goodness and kindness and expressions of love.
And it is in marriage that a partner becomes a "soul mate" when we feel that such a person intuitively communicates or relates to us at the level of our soul, transcending the barriers of words to transmit to us his or her deep appreciation of our invaluable, God-given worth and his or her understanding of our "soul" needs. It is to such a person that we feel profoundly connected, as though, in the words of Thomas Moore, "the communicating and communing that take place between us were not the product of intentional efforts, but rather a divine grace."It is also in the wide, spacious area of marriage that two souls join their fates together to work out their destiny. And it is within this marital context that the soul seeks intimacy, for it is through intimacy that the soul is nourished, initiated and deepened.
John Powell, author of "The Secret of Staying in Love," indirectly speaks to such needs of the soul, as well as to "soul hunger," with his observation that "all forms of life have optimum conditions and essential requirements for health, growth, the fullness of life. When the environment of each being furnishes these conditions and requirements, the fullness of life is possible, the potential riches can be realized. When people are fully alive, saying a vibrant yes to the full human experience and a full-hearted amen to love, there is an indication that their human needs are being met.
"But when the contrary is true, when discomfort, frustration and crippling emotions take over in a human life . . . the human needs of these people are not being met. It may be through their own failure or through the failure of those closest to them, but they are just not getting what they need.
Somehow, somewhere, something has gone wrong in those lives. Starvation and disintegration have set in."
In a marriage, soul nourishment can only take place when a couple is in an awake condition, each partner aware that he or she must search beyond the superficialities of communication and relating to discover and respond to the innermost needs and "soul hunger" of the other person. John Quincy Adams emphasized this discovery process in his reflection, "Think of no other greatness but that of the soul, no other riches but those of the heart."
In searching for the soul, - one's own as well as a partner's - the words of Marge Piercy are applicable: "Life is the first gift, love is the second and understanding the third." All intimacy and soul-work are based on the search for understanding of the workings, intricacies and beauty of the soul. And, as alluded to above, perhaps at the very core of such understanding resides the penetrating knowledge of the preciousness of life.
"In a certain sense," observes Nicholas Berdyaev, "every single human soul has more meaning and value than the whole of history with its empires, its wars and revolutions, its blossomings and fading civilizations."
It would appear that every other successful thought or action intended to create and to experience human intimacy rests on one's foundation - one's understanding - of the preciousness and intrinsic value of life. To understand this concept is to begin to understand the fragile nature of one's own and another's soul; and this, in turn, commands the need to treat such souls with gentleness and with the same tenderness and care that one extends when holding a newborn infant, in itself a deeply soul-satisfying and wondrous experience.
The word "wondrous," and all it implies, also lends itself to the development of intimacy. When one is wondrous of the very existence of life and of the universe and of the mysterious realms of the human soul and spirit, one cannot at the same time be angry or abrasive or preoccupied with satisfying the needs of the ego. Nor can one treat another person as an object, to be treated as an inconvenience or as something to be brushed aside or verbally battered and bruised at a whim.
Rather, if one is "wondrous" of the very existence of human life, that person experiences another as a living, breathing human being who has the same inner vulnerability to hurt and pain and who can experience the same depths of humiliation and shame as one's self. One thus becomes protective of another who, in his or her innermost depths of the soul, is just like one's self. The need to treat others with the respect due them as living human beings is inherent in this piercing observation: "Love people and use things, and never confuse the two."
Finally, to establish intimacy with another is to lead with one's heart and extend it to the other person. For it is in the heart, rather than the head, that one will find and experience a soulful relationship with another.
In this respect, T.C. Haliburton emphasizes: "The mechanisms of the human heart, when you thoroughly understand it, is like the other works of nature, very beautiful, very wonderful but very simple. When it does not work well, the fault is not in the machinery but in the management."
John Powell offers what might be considered a credo for meeting the needs of another at the soul level with these words: "I want to offer you unconditional love. I really know you need it, and I want to fulfill your needs so that you may be fully alive. But I am not always able to do this. I am not able to give you the unconditional love you need. My own needs are too real, too limiting, too crippling. I can only say that I will do what I can. I can only ask you to be patient with me.
"However, I do know that my greatest contribution to your life will be to help you love yourself, to think better and more gently of yourself. . . . I will try always to reflect to you your unique and unrepeatable value and worth. I will try to be a mirror to your beauty and goodness. I will try to read your heart, not your lips. I will always try to understand rather than judge you. I will never demand that you meet my expectations as the price of admission to my heart."