There's good news and bad news about the new CBS comedy "Public Morals." (And I use the term comedy loosely.)
The good news is that the show has taken out most of the raunchy vulgarity that marred the original pilot episode.The bad news is that nothing vaguely resembling humor has been added to this boring, unfunny, nearly unwatchable half hour.
Fans of Steven Bochco - the man behind everything from "Hill Street Blues" to "L.A. Law" to "Murder One" to "NYPD Blue" - will be disappointed. (Bochco, along with Jay Tarses, is credited as co-creator and executive producer.)
Enemies of Bochco's, on the other hand, will no doubt snicker at just how awful "Public Morals" is. And that's the only possible laugh anyone might get out of the show.
Imagine a bunch of unlikable characters yelling at each other in a dreary room and complaining about their pathetic problems for half an hour. That's "Public Morals."
The show revolves around a New York City vice squad full of disfunctional, obnoxious misfits. The team includes:
- Det. Ken Schuler (Donal Logue), a rude, crude, self-centered and thoroughly unattractive man.
- Sgt. Val Vandegroot (Jana Marie Hupp), the by-the-book go-getter whose personal life includes a past fling with . . .
- Det. Mickey Crawford (Justin Louis), a decent cop who is under the impression that he's attractive to all women.
- Det. Richie Biondi (Larry Romano), a brain-dead moron who seems clearly ripped off from Matt LeBlanc's Joey character on "Friends."
- Det. Darnell "Shagg" Ruggs (Joseph Latimore) the stiff, uptight, wooden guy everyone makes fun of.
- Det. Corinne O'Boyle (Julianne Christie), the sexpot who seems right at home going undercover as a hooker.
- Lt. Neil Fogarty (Peter Gerety), a blathering, whining idiot who is perhaps the single most annoying character on television.
- John Irvin (Bill Brochtrup), the flambouyantly gay assistant - a character who has rather oddly transferred from ABC's "NYPD Blue" to CBS's "Public Morals."
The level of humor here is having Schuler emerge from the men's room and say, "Has anynone got a plunger or do I have to use my hand again?"
Or having Shagg (the only black in the cast) say, "My problem is with my equipment."
"That's rare for you people," interjects Vandegroot.
(Hmmm, not only lame humor but racist lame humor.)
And in a subsequent episode, she exclaims, "What is it with men? It's like your crotch has a kill switch to your brain."
And, mind you, this is quite an improvement over that original pilot. Tonight's episode (8:30 p.m., Ch. 2) isn't funny, but it is about the cops in question closing down a bar for serving underage drinkers.
(And they feel bad when they're insulted by a pair of rich teenagers, poor babies.)
That original pilot was a remarkably crude story about prostitution that contained multiple references to body parts and sex acts and one incredibly vulgar reference that can't even be alluded to in a family newspaper.
(CBS says that episode will air on some future, undetermined date - without that incredibly vulgar reference.)
The most vulgar term in the new-but-not-improved "Public Terms" premiere is multiple references to Shagg being a "kiss a--."
But before we thank Bochco and Tarses (let alone CBS) for not assaulting the airwaves with crudity, perhaps they should apologize for inflicting banality and inanity on the viewers.
The secret to television success is creating a ensemble that viewers actually want to spend time with every week. It's hard to imagine that anyone would want to spend time with the bunch of louts and losers on "Public Morals."
Particularly when there's simply nothing funny about it.
VIDBITS: Talk about odd casting - Patricia Hearst (best known as the victim of a 1974 kidnapping) will appear in the Thanksgiving episode of "Boston Common" as the mother of an eccentric family with "a special reason for buying a live holiday turkey."
- John Matoian, recently ousted as president of Fox Entertainment, has landed on his feet. This genuinely nice guy takes over as president of HBO Pictures and its sister company, HBO NYC, on Dec. 2.
- Just when you thought the folks at MSNBC couldn't get any more self-promotional, they threw themselves a "100 days on the air" party last week.