Dear Miss Manners: I have noticed some very strange behavior in several nice restaurants - "servers" (no longer called waiters) getting down on their knees or squatting to take my order.
These servers are young, but still!My friend asked one why, and he replied that he was tired. I asked another, and he replied that he didn't like to exhibit physical dominance over customers.
It's all rather startling. Is this a new custom in the making?
Gentle Reader: New? Miss Manners assures you that this is an Elizabethan custom.
Those who served the lord of the castle and his most honored guests did so from a kneeling position. They were called "servers" or "sewers."
You have probably wandered into an Elizabethan restaurant, or possibly a time warp. Do the servers kiss your napkin, as well as taste your food, to make sure that it is not poisoned?
You might test Miss Manners' theory by calling "Sewer!" to see if one responds, or by throwing your bones on the floor to see if this is the approved way of busing one's plate.
No, wait. If this posture has to do with the new claim that people tip more to servers who hover below them, rather than above them, Miss Manners' tests would probably not be a good idea. Neither, in that case, would be increased tipping, which would only encourage this silliness.
Dear Miss Manners: I find an unfortunate number of cruise passengers who seem to think that while on board, they can forget the etiquette of polite conversation.
One should not ask personal questions, such as about occupations, exact addresses and age. Accepted and desirable conversations, in addition to the weather, would include ports to be visited and the selection of shore tours.
It is OK to observe that one has previously been on this cruise ship, but not how many times. Taboo is discussion of other cruise ships, because it always results in one-upmanship. Please advise people not to reiterate the trials and tribulations experienced in reaching this and other cruise ships.
Gentle Reader: A young lady of Miss Manners' acquaintance was asked "Where are you from?" so many times on her first cruise that she proposed saving her breath by wearing a sign reading, "I'm from Chicago; OK?"
Miss Manners sympathized, but one does, as you say, need neutral conversation openers. Those who wish to keep shipboard acquaintanceship at that level may then do so, while others may go on to develop passionate attachments in which the exchange of personal information may be staggering, and some of it may even be true.
Yet Miss Manners is not nearly so strict as you as to topics of conversation. Travel adventures seem to her exactly the desirable common point from which to launch conversation on trips. Bragging and being boring are always rude, but she fails to understand why it would be immodest to say, "We love this ship; it's our sixth time on board" or "We're so happy to be here after having been marooned on a desert island without any books except a tipping guide, because we couldn't agree beforehand on what to take."
Dear Miss Manners: My parents had 10 children and we were very poor. Only on special occasions would we have three meals on time.
When I was 26 years old, I came to this land and completed both my undergraduate and graduate studies. I never received a penny from my parents or relatives. I was proud to mop floors; it was less painful than hunger.
To overcome the childhood pain of hunger and isolation, I learned to cook all types of ethnic food, especially seafood, and invite my friends often for meals. During last holiday season, I had four parties in my home. But I always observed two of my friends come late and leave early, right after the meals.
I began to wonder whether they cared for my meals only. How can I tell them this is not a restaurant?
Gentle Reader: Miss Manners is well aware that your friends' behavior is as common now as your gracious hospitality is rare. The rudeness of treating a friend's home like a restaurant often extends to canceling acceptances, bringing additional people, and announcing food likes and dislikes.
She is afraid you will have to teach them what is expected - politely, gently and subtly, of course. When you issue an invitation, try saying, "Dinner is at 7, which should leave us time to sit around and talk afterwards." And when guests depart from the table, remind them by inviting them into the living room and saying, "This is the time I most enjoy, when we can just sit back and talk."