Shane has a problem controlling his anger. Although the 10-year-old does well in school and enjoys playing soccer, he often loses control of his emotions and lashes out at his mother and sister.
The walls of his room bear the scars of his outbursts, and family members live in fear of his tirades. Unfortunately, the incidences have increased following his father's recent remarriage.Many youngsters experience difficulty managing their anger. Genetic predispositions toward impulsiveness coupled with poor coping strategies can easily lead to aggressive outbursts. When these factors are paired with high stress levels, such as those brought about by divorce or school problems, children can respond with frequent and frightening emotional explosions.
Fortunately, there are strategies moms and dads can deploy to aid youngsters in regaining control:
- Acknowledge feelings of anger:
Children need to be heard when they're feeling angry. Simple statements about their emotions, such as, "You really are upset about Mom's new boyfriend," let them know they're understood and decrease their sense of isolation.
- Set clear limits regarding appropriate targets of anger:
Although children do need to be heard, they must know there are boundaries about how they can express their emotions. It is never OK to hit another person.
- Discuss strategies for managing anger:
Don't wait until children have gone ballistic before talking to them about controlling their anger. Pick a quiet moment, free from distractions, when you can lay out plans for future outbursts. Enlist youngsters' input; their solutions will be personally tailored to their needs, and the kids will be more invested in making them work. Suggestions include hitting a punching bag, going for a walk, screaming into a pillow, talking with a friend or writing in a diary.
- Provide safe outlets for expressing anger:
Establish "anger zones" where youngsters can go to vent feelings. For instance, hang a tennis ball from a string in the garage that can be hit with paddles when children are upset. Or relegate a rocking chair with pillows to a "cooling-off corner" where tots can retreat until they feel calmer.
- Model appropriate methods of expressing anger:
Parents, make sure you're handling your own anger constructively. Avoid all hitting and yelling when upset. Take frequent breaks from your tots or responsibilities to avoid emotional overload. Learn to count to 20 before responding to household mishaps. Take responsibility for your actions; don't blame your children for your lack of self-control.
- Minimize exposure to frustrating situations:
Help youngsters keep their cool by eliminating unnecessary stressors. For instance, make sure school work is commensurate with their abilities. Cut out frustrating after-school activities. Don't push children into sports or programs they're not emotionally or physically ready to handle. You'll be saving your family countless headaches while decreasing the pressure on your child.
- Support efforts toward controlling emotions:
It's not easy controlling emotions. Let youngsters know you're with them all the way. Share experiences about how you have lost your temper. Hug your daughter for being respectful in the heat of an argument. Kids will appreciate your encouragement while developing the skills needed throughout their lifetimes.