Question: My parents keep pressuring me to choose hard classes and to do well in school, but they're not listening to me and what I want. How do I get my parents to listen to me?
Answer: From Sara Auld, Jessica Ferrell, Carolyn Cohan, Rachel Thomas, Lauren Ehlig, Vanessa Wu and Louise Flaig, the Hockaday School, Dallas, Texas:
We have the following suggestions in response to your dilemma:
Be prepared when you talk to your parents. Pick a time when they are not distracted or upset and can give you their full attention. Write down the pros and cons of the points you wish to make so you won't get flustered when you try to articulate your feelings. Show your parents what you are already doing in school (papers, tests, assignments, etc.) so they might better understand the pressures you are already under. Include extracurricular activities that are important to you that need to be balanced with your schoolwork. Admit your limitations, and show that you are aware of the situation and the implications of taking easier classes, or harder ones. Make sure you are putting forth an effort and that what you want is reasonable.
If you still think your parents aren't listening, ask a counselor or teacher at school to meet with the three of you as a mediator. Don't give in to the temptation to rebel, because it really doesn't help. Be willing to compromise. You could try to take a harder class in a subject you like and do well in, and the rest of your classes could be easier. Or have your parents tell you what they want you to take and why, and you share what you want to take and why. Then reach a compromise that will, hopefully, meet each of your needs.
Answer: From Pat: Timing and attitude are essential in getting parents to listen. Ask when would be a good time for them to talk about some things that are on your mind. If they want to know what it's about, tell them you'd rather wait until you can sit down and talk. All sorts of things may go through their minds, but they'll also get the idea that this is important to you. Then follow the excellent advice given by the Hockaday panelists.
Talkback: From Val: You asked if it would be unfair or would solve juvenile crime if parents were held accountable for the crimes of their teenagers. The answer is definitely: "It would be unfair."
As it is now, parents already have to pay for attorneys for their children when they do wrong, for some treatments, punishments and fines. In just a few wrong-doings (like driving drunk), the parents can be saddled with debt. That already is unfair.
I worked to provide for my children when my husband no longer would, to give my children a better childhood than I'd had. My children were good kids until they turned into teenagers. Then my oldest son turned into an alcoholic at 16. It was his choice to drink. It has been his choice to do bad things. I am held liable for his rehabilitation center bill ($20,000), which did him little good because of his choice to immediately go back to drinking. Plus, I had to pay for his lawyers' fees ($200 for each misdemeanor), some of his fines, transportation to his community service and everywhere else. And I was having problems paying my normal bills (food and utilities).
Also, according to the law, I have to pay for his food, housing and schooling, even though he chooses to go against my rules and anything good.
It is hard to have teenagers (or kids of any age). To punish parents more is not the answer.
Answer: From Pat: True, children change as they become teenagers. But "good" to "problem" doesn't happen overnight. Preteens and teenagers require time and attention. They need someone who's there to listen when they choose to talk, who can help with decisions, and who can pick up on problems that may be developing in school, with friends or with choices before they get out of hand.
It's hard to have the time and patience needed to be that someone if you're overwhelmed trying to provide physical necessities or you're putting other things first.
You say your husband "no longer would provide for your children." Since his decision, no doubt, resulted in less parenting time for your children, would it be fair if the law held him - or any negligent parents - more accountable for crimes their teenagers commit?