The 1955 classic thriller "Diabolique," a black-and-white French film with English subtitles, is a real creepfest. Even 40 years later, it holds up quite well on video - especially the chilling final scenes.
But the 1996 "Diabolique" is a mess, an Americanized adaptation that is basically a vehicle for Sharon "I-won't-take-off-my-clothes-anymore-no w-that-I'm-an-actress" Stone. (Or, perhaps we should call her "The artist formerly known as sex symbol.")
This "Diabolique" is flashy, trashy and crass, loaded with snappy, wisecracking dialogue and over-the-top, wildly contrived and often ridiculous moments - especially in the final scenes.
And, despite reports to the contrary, Stone still can't act.
In fact, for those who think her performance in "Casino" is Oscar-worthy - which apparently includes a large contingent of Academy voters - "Diabolique" may provide a sad revelation about her talent. Or lack thereof.
Though she has some of the film's best dialogue, and some of that dialogue is clever, Stone blows every line by eliminating irony and wit and spitting out the words with sarcasm and venom.
Stone takes on the role Simone Signoret had in the original, as tough-talking, heart-of-granite Nicole, a teacher in a private, upstate New York boys school. Wearing skin-tight outfits that would be more suited to an escort service, she jiggles while writing math problems on the chalkboard, as if purposely teasing the boys in her class. Yet, despite their being at a hormone-raging age, they hardly seem to notice her.
Nicole is also having an affair with the school's headmaster, Guy (Chazz Palminteri).
Meanwhile, Guy's wife Mia (Isabelle Adjani), also a teacher, is a frail thing, a former nun who has a heart condition and who is fully aware of Guy and Nicole's relationship.
Oddly, the two women seem to be each other's only friends.
Technically, the school belongs to Mia, an inheritance she has since signed over - half of it, anyway - to Guy. But Guy is such a cheapskate he won't buy edible food for the students and refuses to maintain the outdoor swimming pool.
He's also abusive - giving Nicole a black eye and forcing his wife to eat the cafeteria food, though it makes her sick.
So, it isn't long before Nicole and Mia carry out their plot to kill Guy, which involves drugging him, drowning him in a bathtub and dumping the body into the filthy pool. But over the next few days, the women begin seeing evidence that they may have bungled the job. Maybe Guy isn't really dead. And if he is dead, someone knows about it - and is playing elaborate mind games with them.
Enter Kathy Bates as a police detective on medical leave who bumps into Mia, becomes suspicious and starts investigating. And when she meets Stone, it's hate at first sight . . . an emotion the audience may share.
Bates - whose crusty character was male in the first film - genuinely brings the film alive when she arrives on the scene, a cynical and very funny '90s feminist twist on the old Bogart-style detective. Sadly, the script isn't good enough to consistently give her the dialogue she deserves.
And none of the 1996 Americanized additions for this update, save one element in the final twist, is really helpful. And too often it actually hinders the suspense and believability of the plot, which was, even in the original film, a rather gimmicky conceit.
In the opening moments, Adjani has a nude scene, followed by a graphic sexual encounter between Palminteri and Stone. Later, there is a tentative lesbian subtext between Adjani and Stone. And though the school is supposed to be for "troubled" boys, they all seem quite well-behaved - including one youngster who is supposedly a peeping tom, and who later offers an odd, veiled threat.
There are Catholic-bashing asides and loads of crass '90s dialogue, a groundskeeper urinates in the pool, an old 16mm sex-education film is shown in a class (what, is Guy too cheap to spring for a VCR?), a young woman shows up seeking money for an abortion because she's been impregnated by Guy, a couple of video geeks are making a promotional film for the school - and in the violent "killer-who-wouldn't-die" denouement, someone has an eye gouged with a crucifix and then gets a sharp rake in the face, elements that would be more at home in a "Friday the 13th" flick.
In other words, the only recommendation from this corner is that you forget this one and go rent the original.
"Diabolique" is rated R for violence, sex, nudity, profanity and vulgarity.