In 10 years of writing five baby-naming books - from the first edition of "Beyond Jennifer & Jason" to our most recent book, "The Last Word on First Names" - we've talked to hundreds of parents searching for the perfect name for their child. All this baby-naming experience has led us to a startling conclusion: How you name your baby - why you select certain names, who you talk with about your choices, even when you pick a name - can be every bit as important as what name you choose. Why? Because successfully navigating the maze of fads and family pressures that you're bound to encounter is absolutely essential to arriving at the single best name - and to feeling terrific about your decision.
These simple rules of the road will help you make the best choice - one you and your child can live with happily ever after.
Ignore your in-laws, your friends and your plumber
A lot of people are going to have strong opinions about what you should name your baby. But don't let them co-opt what should be one of the greatest pleasures of having a child. It's up to you to choose a name, period.
How to politely but firmly ward off unwanted naming advice?
"Keep the name a secret, even though it might drive some people up the wall," says Barbara Brechler Smith, a Bowling Green, Ky., mother of two girls -Collin, 3, and Abby, 1. "When we wouldn't tell my mom the name we'd picked out for our second baby, she mailed us a name poll that she'd allegedly taken at her office. Oddly enough, all the choices were a variation of her name, Nancy Claire. My husband finally told her that we were going to name the baby Ida Claire, which shut her up."
Such decoy names can be the perfect solution when people insist on hearing your choices. "We had two names. We told everybody our second bests, but no one knew the names we'd really picked," says Ann Pulliam of McLean, Va., who just had her first child, Kevin Walter. "I didn't want to run the risk of ruining a name we loved."
Your spouse gets an equal vote
Naming a child is one of the few chores of parenting that would definitely be easier to do on your own. But don't be tempted to slip your mate a sedative so you can scribble the name you love (and he or shehates) on the birth certificate. Baby-naming negotiations can teach you a lot about the hopes, dreams and expectations you and your partner have for your child. And finding a name that you both like is one of the first important steps to becoming a successful parenting team.
But coming to such an agreement often turns out to be unexpectedly difficult. "Because my husband and I are so alike in our tastes, I never anticipated that agreeing on a name would be such a big problem," says Michelle Valena Brady of Hampton, Va., the mother of 2-year-old Cecily.
"My husband thought that my name choices - Caesare Alexander, Victoria Somer - were pompous, arrogant and just plain weird. I thought that his suggestions - David, Mary, Kevin - were boring and too normal. I was well into my third trimester before we settled on choices that suited us both, so my advice is, start early!"
Recognize that Tyler is a trendy name
Styles in names are changing faster than you can say Mackenzie Samantha. Virtually unknown even a few years ago, but among the Top 25 in some states today, are Tyler, Taylor, Kayla, Kyle, Cody, Kelsey, Chelsea, Shelby, Dylan, Morgan, Miranda, Mariah, Madison, Austin, Sierra, Tanner and Hannah. Other once-unusual names rapidly climbing the most-popular lists: Connor, Cole, Caleb, Cameron, Logan, Lane, Shane, Sydney, Michaela, Mackenzie, McKenna and Dakota.
To find out which names are hot - and which are overheated - in your area, talk to parents of toddlers (nursery-school rosters are a great data source), consult your obstetrician, or spend an afternoon tuning in to what names parents are calling out at your local playground. And bear in mind that while you may want to avoid giving your baby an ultratrendy name of the month, young kids generally like having popular names - it makes them feel popular as well.
Creative spellings can spell trouble
More and more parents these days want to put a fresh spin on their baby's name by inventing new spellings. But such attempts at originality can create big problems for your child. For one thing, you condemn little Ashleigh, Mikayla or Krysteena to a lifetime of spelling her name and then spelling it again for people who think that she (or her parents) are unaware of the correct version. Creative names can also result in confusion over pronunciation: Is Ashleigh pronounced like its more conventional counterpart, or is it some other name altogether - Ashlay? Ashleg?
The ultimate anti-Ashleigh argument: A study at the University of California at Los Angeles found that people with conventionally spelled names were perceived as more successful, more popular, more cheerful, warmer and more caring than those whose names had unusual spellings.
If you name your child Tallulah, it helps to be Demi Moore
Kids' names are getting more adventurous, inspired in part by the wild new generation of celebrities' babies' names. But while Rumer, Scout and Tallulah Willis are likely to fit right in with cohorts Speck Mellencamp and Brawley King Nolte, your own little Fifi or Fuddy may not fare so well.
How a child handles an unconventional name, even which names are considered uncommon, depends on where you live, who you are, and who your child turns out to be. One mother, Teresita Isidro-Cloudas of Stamford, Conn., whose son Siegfried is called Ziggy, is happy with his nickname: "The kid really looks like a Ziggy . . . interesting, smart, spunky and handsome. He stands out in a crowd in a very cool way, so I'm glad we picked this very unusual name."
According to another study, the deciding factor in whether your child's name proves to be an out-of-the-ordinary asset or a liability for her might be how pleasant it sounds rather than how familiar it is. The charming Raffaella might make a better choice than the flat-footed Rona; the melodic McCormack might be preferable to old man Mort.
Beware of giving a boy a unisex name
Many of the most popular and appealing baby names today are used for both boys and girls. But, unfair though it may be, once a name begins to drift into the female camp, it loses a bit of its masculinity. Some names crossing the lines in increasing numbers seem destined to become almost exclusively female: Taylor, Jordan, Dakota, Blair, Kelsey, Whitney, Morgan, Madison, Sierra and Schuyler.
Why, once a name becomes widely used for girls, do parents of boys tend to shy away from it? Call it the new double standard, which makes it OK to dress our daughters in jeans, buy them trucks, and name them Alex, but not so cool to dress our sons in pink and name them Ashley (a once-male name that's now at the top of the girls' popularity list). Many of us would like the world to be more evenhanded, yet few of us want our own sons - or their names - to be the pioneers.
Don't finalize the name until you see the baby
When you name the baby may be as important as what name you choose. While it might be prudent (and entertaining) to begin making lists of names you like and talking about your favorites early, it can be a mistake to announce your final choice to the world months before the baby's arrival. You could end up stealing some thunder from your child's grand entrance: Rather than greeting your birth announcement with real excitement, people may respond with a bored, "Oh, Ethan's here."
And then there's the issue of making sure that when little Allegra arrives, she actually looks like an Allegra. Many parents swear by the practice of bringing a short list of names to the delivery room and making the final choice only after they get acquainted with their real live baby.
It helps to remember that a name, in many ways, has the same kind of permanence and defining power as a physical characteristic, in which case it makes sense to choose a name that enhances or complements your child's appearance. When the son of a friend of ours was born with bright red hair, for instance, the decision was made on the spot to give him the non-attention-grabbing name of Joe.
Look for the right name, not the perfect one
The most alarming requests we've gotten for advice were from parents who couldn't decide on a name even though their babies were two weeks - or two months or, in one mind-boggling case, 1 year old.
"We just love Emily, but it's so popular. Maddy's great, but too close to the name of our first child, Maggie. Kenzie is cute, but too trendy? Keziah's cool, but maybe too weird. Help!" they cried. "We can't find the ideal name!"
Beware: Most names that sound stylish carry the risk of becoming overpopular. Names that are unusual will be thought of by some people as bizarre; classic names may tilt toward the boring.
Perfect names, like perfect people, may not exist, and looking for a name that has only positive qualities is simply an exercise in frustration. But if you find one that's wonderful, beautiful, and satisfies your mind and heart, you've come close enough.
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ADDITIONAL INFORMATION
Top 10 names
Most widely used names in United States
FEMALE MALE
1. Jessica 1. Michael
2. Ashley 2. Daniel
3. Samantha 3. Matthew
4. Emily 4. Christopher
5. Sarah 5. Nicholas
6. Amanda 6. Andrew
7. Nicole 7. Tyler
8. Stephanie 8. Joshua
9. Jennifer 9. David
10. Taylor 10. Jacob
SOURCE: Parenting Magazine
Moste widely used names in Utah 1993-1996
FEMALE MALE
1. Jessica 1. Joshua
2. Ashley 2. Jacob
3. Sarah 3. Tyler
4. Emily 4. Michael
5. Megan 5. Zachary
6. Samantha 6. Jordan
7. Taylor 7. Matthew
8. Amanda 8. Christopher
9. Alexis 9. Brandon
10. Elizabeth 10. Nathan
SOURCE: Utah Bureau of Vital Records